Lucius Diamond Reviews
 Sid Meier's Pirates!





Sid Meier's Pirates!

Genre: Adventure
Developer: Firaxis
Publisher: Atari
Release Date: 22 November 2004
Released On: Xbox, PC


Lucius Diamond Describes the Plot in 10 Words or Less: 

Sink ships, steal gold and lay the governor's daughter.

Overview: 

Sid Meier's Pirates is a game that is sort of difficult to define.  It would be easy to define it as an adventure game, but I think that the term 'time killer' (much like Solitaire) fits the bill even better.  Allow me to explain.

The basic premise of Pirates is as follows:  Basically, your character and his family are just sitting around when this major asshole comes in and kidnaps everyone except for you (you escape because you are awesome).  He claims that they owe him some cash, so he makes them his slaves.  You grow up bent on revenge, no matter the price, and since you know that nobody is better at revenge than a pirate you decide to pursue that career path.

From there you're pretty much free to do whatever the hell you want, so long as it is related to privateering.  You start out with a ship in which you can sail around in gathering the pieces to a buried treasure, sinking the shit out of other ships, taking on jobs for your home nation, attacking port cities, or trying to get it on with governors' daughters.  Oh man, I forgot the best part.  You can hunt down and kill some of the most famous pirates of all time, from Blackbeard to Captain Kidd.

The naval battles are by far the most awesome aspect of this game.  You sail around pretty aimlessly on the world map (which is limited to the carribean area) looking for enemy ships.  If you see one, you can sail up to it and decide to enter battle.  Once you're in the battle screen, you unload whatever you've got.  Throughout the game you can acquire all kinds of upgrades to your cannons, sails, genital crabs and various other aspects of the ship, so you try to use the best weapons during the best situations.  A certain amount of strategy is involved of course, as you have to take into account how long it takes your crew to load the canons or what direction the wind is blowing from.  You can also board your enemy ship and duel the Captain.  If you win, you have the option of keeping the ship or sinking it.  Any surviving crew members not stupid enough to try and make a run for it will join your crew and you get to keep all the plunder.

The actual goal of the game is to recover all of your kidnapped relatives, but that's only there to give the game some meaning.  You'll probably be too busy killing filthy Spaniards or hunting for some sick treasure to worry too much about all that grief.  They're tough.  They can handle themselves.

X-Tremeness Level: 

Putting a pound of dry ice down your pants for 20 minutes then hitting your shit with a tac hammer.

Overall Badassitude Score: 

There is so much shit to do in this game that it's ridiculous.  Granted, it gets repetitive after a while, but it is still a ton of fun to pick up every once and a while.  It's so awesome to take a big-ass 30-gun Man-O-War and waste the shit out of some merchant bitches.

Most of the mini games are pretty reightous too, especially hunting down the most notorious pirates EVER.  The one part about this game that blows hard though is the 'dancing mini game'.  That's the game you have to play to gain favor or whatever with the governor's daughter.  It's basically a ballroom dancing version of Simon.  Or a homosexuality simulator.

        

SCORE:  4 out of a possible 5 Bitchin' tri-corner hats.

Addictiveness: 

RATING:  Afternoon naps

This game is really enjoyable for a long period of time.  You might not find yourself playing it every day of the week, but you'll probably pick it up for a while down the line.

Multiplayer Component: 

2-player split-screen.

Hot Andrea's Take: 

I'm not sure her spy sattelite was up and running when I was playing this.

Awesometer Score: 




+4

I mentioned earlier that this game is a time killer.  One of the best aspects of Pirates is that is doesn't demand that you play for an hour at a time.  If you only feel like sitting down and playing for 15 minutes, it would be worth your time.  You can wreck the hell out of some people in 15 minutes.  So, instead of a game of hearts or mine sweeper, you can play Pirates while you wait for your court appearance.



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