Gradius V

Genre:	Side-Scrolling Shooter
Developer:	Treasure
Publisher:	Konami
Release Date:	14 September 2004
Released On:	PS2

Amazing Ben Describes the Plot in 10 Words or Less: 

Destroy anything that moves (or doesn't move).

Overview: 

Gradius V is a modern-day arcade-style side-scrolling shooter that is the physical embodiment of everything that has made the genre great over the past twenty years.  In typical space shoot-'em-up fashion, you play as the last pilot on Earth tasked with the undesirable job of facing impossible odds to destroy an entire fleet of alien spaceships and other disgusting organic substances headed to destroy the planet.  At least, I assume that's the plot.  They don't really tell you, but honestly nobody really cares anyways.  The point of shooters is to blast everything you see and not even think twice about it.

And you'll have plenty of time to do just that - provided that you're not being blown up every ten seconds, which is a big assumption because Gradius V is fucking hard as hell.  At any given point the entire screen is cluttered with enemy ships and large slow-moving lasers and bullets, and it's no small feat to negotiate the gauntlet of fiery death/destruction and put yourself in position to blow the shit out of the alien mothership's cleverly-camouflaged weak spot (a giant luminous blue sphere right above it's death cannon).  In short, you're going to need to have lightning-quick reflexes and the ability to pick up on boss patterns pretty damn quickly or you're going to be vaporized before you can even say "I wish I was playing Animal Crossing".

Like any good shooting game, there are a number of different ship configurations and powerups at your disposal, ranging from speed boosts to missiles and lasers to the Gradius-standard "Option" -- a small orb that circles your ship and fires lasers alongside you.  The various configurations each have their merits and warrant their own particular strategies for success.  It adds a good bit of diversity to the gameplay experience.  On top of that, the graphics are excellent and the framerate is very smooth.  Gradius also does a good job of utilizing the PS2 hardware and manipulating the backgrounds to make the whole experience seem three-dimensional, even though it's really only an illusion.

Gradius V doesn't make any excuses and doesn't sugar-coat what it is -- a hardcore shooter designed for fans of hardcore shooters.  It doesn't try to make itself friendly to people who are new to the genre;  It throws you to the wolves immediately and expects you to fend for yourself.  If you're the kind of person who loves this type of thing, Gradius is the game you've been waiting for since Einhander on the PS1.  If you're not sure whether it's up your alley or not, it probably isn't.

X-Tremeness Level: 

Punching a hole into a giant lizard alien's abdomen and then pulling out its insides.

Overall Badassitude Score: 

What isn't badass about flying inside the body of a giant space monster and blowing apart it's digestive system?  Your enemies include disembodied floating eyeballs, still-beating hearts, acid, spaceships and an assortment of other disgusting/awesome things that need to be blown the fuck up by the Vic Viper T-301.  It's not only a badass game, but it takes a badass to be any good at it.

        

SCORE:  4 out of a possible 5 ceremonial death masks of the Pharaoh Tutankhamen.

Addictiveness: 

RATING:  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

If you're anything like me, you'll find yourself involuntarily twitching after you finish a game of Gradius V.  It's fun as hell, but since there's no real in-game save option to speak of you'll have to set aside a pretty large chunk of time to play it.  And when you finally get stomped to death by a giant alien brain with an eyeball and legs for the tenth time you'll be more content to crawl into a corner and rock back and forth than you will be to pop the game in for another round.  It's fun as hell, but it requires small doses.

Multiplayer Component: 

2-player simultaneous shared-screen co-op "story" mode.  It plays almost exactly like Life Force for the NES.

Hot Andrea's Take: 

"No, I don't want to play this.  Thanks for asking."

Awesometer Score: 

+1

Gradius V doesn't add anything new to the shooter genre;  It just refines and streamlines everything that has been great about it up to this point.  It's smooth, the graphics are good, the collision detection works excellently and it's as nearly as enjoyable as it is utterly nerve-wracking.  Gradius is an absolute must-have title for anyone who grew up loving games like Defender or Life Force and want an updated version of a classic genre.  For everyone else not in the relatively small target audience, you'll probably want to stay clear of it.