Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow

Genre:	Third-Person Action/Adventure
Developer:	Konami
Publisher:	Konami
Release Date:	6 May 2003
Released On:	GBA

Amazing Ben Describes the Plot in 10 Words or Less: 

Escape Dracula's Castle, which is located inside a lunar eclipse.

Overview: 

Castlevania has always been one of the most badass franchises in the video game history.  Few things compare to the total awesomeness that stems from beating the unholy crap out of stupid-ass Dracula and all of his evil minions with your magical vampire-slaying Whip of Justice and Extreme Awesomenessitude.  It's the ultimate blend of everything that rules;  you're kicking vampires' faces in, wandering around an old Gothic castle breaking stuff for no good reason, throwing bloody crucifixes at demons and getting pumped up by awesome music while you're doing it.  I have always been a Castlevania fan, probably because I really like the idea of killing lame-ass vampires that think they're hard as hell when they're really just pussies who need to be staked in the face with a tree stump.

The newest incarnation of the Castlevania series is sort of a disappointment in that regard.  Sure, there's the same side-scrolling action that the series is known for and the gameplay is still pretty sweet, but you'll notice that something is missing.  Now I'm not going to ruin anything for you, but you really should go into this game with the knowledge that there are no vampires in the entire game.  Also, your main character doesn't use a whip.  He uses swords, spears and guns.  Granted, I think if I had to arm myself to battle the living dead I would want to pack a couple of Desert Eagles, it sort of kills the experience of whipping everything into submission Simon Belmont-style.  But I guess these are just sort of personal gripes of mine, so I'll stop whining about them.

In Aria of Sorrow You play as an exchange student from an undisclosed location named Soma Cruz.  His character portrait makes him look like a female flapper from 1920's Chicago, and his fur coat or whatever doesn't particularly help him look like anything other than a mix between Cruella DeVille and Al Capone's girlfriend.  Anyways, Soma is visiting some temple or something in Japan for some reason on the night of a lunar eclipse with his obviously jailbait girlfriend/classmate when all of a sudden he is teleported to Dracula's Castle, which is strangely enough located "inside the eclipse".  I'm not even going to try and make sense of that.  Anyways, it's your job to help Soma figure out how to escape both the Castle and the eclipse before monsters eat him and his underage love interest.  There's also apparently some plot development after you arrive at the castle involving a handful of androgynous and forgettable humans that also made it into the eclipse somehow, but I lost interest in the story before I even finished reading the opening scroll.

As I said before, Soma has several weapons at his disposal, ranging from comically-gigantor Medieval jousting lances to dragon slaying swords to what appears to be a Beretta 92F.  His most important power however stems from his ability to absorb the souls of fallen monsters, meaning for every enemy you kill, you have a chance of stealing its soul and using it's power as your own.  Their powers vary wildly, allowing you to do things such as double-jump Metroid-style, shoot fireballs, chuck spears or simply just increase your character's stats.  There are even souls that allow you to throw plates of hot food at monsters or set loose purple cats that run up and bite zombies.  Seriously.

The game plays as a straight-up side-scrolling actioner where you wander the castle from room to room hammering the attack button and trying not to get turned to stone by flying Medusa heads that travel unhindered through the walls and floors or being knocked onto a bed of giant spikes by an undead geisha's flying side kicks.  If you enjoyed the gameplay of the other Castlevanias or any of the GBA Metroids, you'll be right at home here.  There are some exploration elements thrown in for good measure, but it generally just ends up being confusing and annoying because you can almost never tell where you need to go next.  Like when someone tells you to visit "The Study" and there's no notation on the game map to let you know where the hell that is so you just end up wandering around the entire castle until you finally find some monsters that you can't kill with one hit.  It can be irritating, but all in all the game is pretty fun nonetheless.

X-Tremeness Level: 

Teaming up with Baron von Helsing to storm Vlad the Impaler's fortress only to discover that "Our Dracula Is in Another Castle".

Overall Badassitude Score: 

This game is hurt by the fact that the lead character looks like a woman and wears a floor-length white trenchcoat with a fur collar.  It doesn't help that the greatest series to ever feature vampire slaying doesn't actually let you slay any vampires.  However, some of the soul powers are pretty cool, and shooting a manticore in the face with a fireball or capping a succubus between the eyes with your gatt is still pretty awesome.  I also enjoyed setting loose my army of cats and spicy dinners to take out all who opposed me.

As far as badass characters, the only one who comes close is the big scary black man shopkeeper named Hammer, because he's continually telling you how hot all the female characters are and whenever I visit him I'm like, "please Hammer, don't hurt 'em".  There is a Belmont family member who becomes a playable character after you've beaten the game as Soma, but while he does kick ass, hit things with a whip and throw something very similar to the Glaive in Krull, he doesn't collect souls, items or experience and he basically has the same move set as Soma so it's not really worth it.

Whatever.  The game is kind of badass, but it squanders its near limitless potential to be awesome.

  

SCORE:  2 out of a possible 5 Disembodied Bella Lugosi Heads.

Addictiveness: 

RATING:  A "House Salad" side dish at a kitch restaurant.

This game really didn't suck me in the way that I hoped it would.  Sure it was a fun way to kill a week's worth of train rides to and from work, but I could sort of take it or leave it.  It took me about 5 hours of game time to play it through and get the best ending, and when I finished it I was pretty much done with it.  There were some extra features that were unlocked when I beat it, but I wasn't really motivated enough to keep going.

Multiplayer Component: 

You can link up your GBAs to swap souls you've collected, but that's it.

Hot Andrea's Take: 

"This game is ridiculous.  Why are you throwing cats at everyone?"

Awesometer Score: 

0

Meh.  It was alright.  I'm not sorry I bought it, but I would have been if I'd paid full price for it.  It was a fun, mindless way to waste a couple of hours, but when it was over I turned it off and haven't picked it up since.  If you're into Castlevania, I would recommend you try to find a cheap used copy because it's probably the best one since Symphony of the Night, but if you're not into side-scrolling button-mashers you'd do just as well to pass on it.