I should mention that I'm totally jealous of how BLT is getting all the hate mail.  It's probably because I avoid criticizing an entire state and generally reserve my derogatory comments for things like inanimate objects and Irish pop stars, but still.  I guess I just need to do an "I love terrorists" update or something.

Oh, one last thing... BLT stands for "Big Luke Tully" and not "Bacon Lettuce and Tomato".  It's sort of a clever play on acronyms there.  I guess some people just don't get it.  Like this guy.

ORIGINAL MESSAGE To: BLT From: Christopher Newell Subject: Not Exactly Hate Mail Dear BLT, First off, I would like to compliment you on your sheer lack of decency.  I believe to properly evaluate a state you should give both the "pros and cons."  Second, brilliant of you to belittle the pride one has for his or her area, from town to nation. Trying to sound impertinent is neither impressive nor an intelligent move on your part. You guys should feel like lower than crap, because that is the level you have achieved thus far. P.S.:  Bacon Lettuce Tomato is the stupidest acronym anyone has ever referred to themselves as. I am sure you guys would like to compare wits with my 3 year old son, but even he would still beat you neuron for neuron. Yours truly, Christopher Newell
SEXX SEZ: To: Christopher Newell From: Sexx Subject: Re: Not Exactly Hate Mail Dear Christopher Newell, First off, on behalf of www.amazingben.com, I would like to compliment you on your perspicacious and scrumtrulescent opinions.  Second, please be advised that using unnecessarily long words makes you sound like a dickbrain, especially when you use them in sentences with incorrect grammatical construction and follow them with gems like "lower than crap."  That's some free advice for the next time you're writing unsolicited self-righteous bitchmail to someone you have never met because you have your panties in a bunch over a humor column. There is absolutely nothing wrong with belittling a geographical area.  For example, I hate the state of Alabama and everyone who lives in it.  That wasn't hard at all.  Would you like to know how I feel about Tennessee?  Here is a great example of belittlement based on your hometown:  wherever Christopher Newell lives is a shithole with ugly children and widespread herpes among the populace.  That was totally appropriate and probably accurate.  Here is another one:  wherever Christopher Newell lives has a bustling economy centered around exportation of man-on-dog hardcore pornography, methamphetamine, and soybeans.  Frankly, I'm impressed as shit with myself right now, which proves you wrong. I do agree that any region should be evaluated on its "pros and cons," so here you go. DETROIT PROS:  Is not Beirut CONS:  Growing more like Beirut by the day, contains Detroit Lions CALIFORNIA PROS:  Knows how to party, is untouchable like Elliot Ness, is where they put the mack down CONS:  Necessary to pack a vest for your jimmy in the city of sex SOUTH DAKOTA PROS:  Corn Palace CONS:  No electoral impact PALM BEACH COUNTY, FLORIDA PROS:  Pretty beaches CONS:  You're not allowed on the pretty beaches HOT ANDREA'S CHEST PROS:  Big ol' titties CONS:  Absolutely none IRAQ PROS:  Freedom is on the march CONS:  Freedom just blew up inside a bus WHEREVER CHRISTOPHER NEWELL LIVES PROS:  Quarantines Christopher Newell from the rest of the country CONS:  Contains Christopher Newell and his spawn You're absolutely right -- I feel less impertinent already. We at www.amazingben.com hope that your dissatisfaction with Luke's column, inability to take a joke, failure to properly interpret acronyms, or tiny genitals won't keep you from returning to the site or contacting us in the future (doubtlessly with your thesaurus in hand again).  Here at this fine website, our policy on customer satisfaction is "we don't give a shit whether you're offended because you're just a tick on the hit counter."  We live by that philosophy every day. All the best, Sexx