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Re: Oklahoma Sucks
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Earlier this week I received an email from BLT exclaiming that he had finally broken into the internet journalism community: He had finally received his first piece of legitimate hate mail. While it's true that he received angry hate mail from me every once in a while when I get totally drunk and pissed, he was pretty pumped that something he wrote pissed off a stranger so badly that they decided to take a rather significant portion of their day to investigate his background and construct a strongly-worded email personally attacking him. I had been thinking about adding a mail section to this site to capture some of the more colorful personalities of our readership and this email seemed like the prime place to start. However, since the staff and I have better things to do than respond to angry emails from people we've never met, we decided to turn all of our hate mail over to Sexx, our intern and full-time email-reader guy. So go ahead and enjoy the first in what should hopefully be a long-running segment entitled "Sexx Answers Your Hate Mail".
ORIGINAL MESSAGE
To: BLT
From: Patrick Ibison
Subject: Re: Oklahoma Sucks
Saw your review of Oklahoma. I was born here and choose to raise my family here. I was concerned by your devaluation of my home state, and prepared to take to heart your criticism of our people, our beer, our sports and our hygiene. Then I saw your picture. The tragedy surrounding your inability to see your dick without a mirror is no reason to lash out at others.
Best of luck in North Carolina- clearly the crown jewel of the enlightened populace.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
-Patrick
SEXX SEZ:
To: Patrick Ibison
From: Sexx
Subject: Re: Re: Oklahoma Sucks
Dear Ibis,
First of all, you are an incredibly ugly bird. Here is a picture of one your brethren, the Northern Bald (or "Congressman Waxman") ibis. You look like a goddamned vulture with shitty posture. Here is another. During the 2000 Sugar Bowl, this wretched creature ran on the field and cost his team fifteen yards ("unsportsmanlike conduct by an unattractive avian mascot"). Perhaps he was not focused on the game but on BLT's penis, as you seem to be. On behalf of BLT and all of us at www.amazingben.com, please stop thinking about our throbbing rods. Right now. No, seriously: get our veiny mancannons out of your mind. You're thinking about cock, aren't you? Stop it.
Here is a true story about Oklahoma. A few years ago, Oklahoma taxpayers voted to subsidize the building of a 104,000 square foot Bass Pro Shop in the middle of downtown Oklahoma City. Though I don't know how much the state actually paid, the initial proposal was for about $17-18 million. That's right: a seventeen million bone gift to a private enterprise to build a behemoth hunting and fishing store right in the middle of downtown. Before anyone from Oklahoma complains about the perception that the state is full of stupid rednecks, consider that you and your fellow idiots voted to drop that check and put that monstrosity in the middle of the business district. Some towns build athletic arenas, museums, theaters, and parks. Oklahoma built a rifle-and-rod shop. "Don't worry!", said the Bass Pro reps, "the budget shortfall will be made up by sales taxes generated at the Bass Pro!" For those of you who aren't familiar with how sales tax works, that would be money that you, the citizenry, pay to the state when you purchase goods and services. That means you agreed to give Bass Pro millions of your tax dollars and then made up for the loss with... millons more of your tax dollars. Brilliant, assholes. On the bright side, if you've been pining your whole life for an ammunition tin shaped like a stock car or something called Uncle Buck's Crappie Bug Bass Pro has your hookup, I tell you hwut.
Good luck in future unaided examinations of your genitals. And be sure to hit up that Bass Pro stinkbait -- I hear it's choice.
Sexx
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