I am on your bus!  I am going to talk incredibly fucking loud with my startlingly oversexed, irritating, bitchy high school friends and we are going to LOL so hard OMG can you believe what Christie said to Jenny today at lunch I thought I was doing to fucking DIE oh my god!  Everyone on this bus must know exactly what I think of her, and what I think of her is that OMG she is such a "B"!  I heard from Billy the other day that she thought he liked her but it turns out that shah right oh my god like anybody could like her because as I have previously announced to anybody with ears that is riding on the bus SHE IS A FUCKING B OH MY GOD WHAT ARE WE DOING AFTER SCHOOL TODAY I think we should rent some fucking asinine movie about stupid shit like that one about that girl who likes that cute boy and then they go on dates and get married and she's also a princess and there's a talking duck and then we'll watch it while we EAT SOME FUCKING POPCORN OUR ASSES OFF!  Let's also debate which obscure teen pop actress' hair we like the best because it's REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT that we scream this at the top of our lungs and then shriek like fucking stuck banshees every time we agree with each other!  Let's all sing the theme song together as loud as possible because we have lovely voices and obviously everyone on the bus wants to hear us fucking sing a shitty fucking off-key dissonant unharmonious rendition of a shitty fucking two-cent bubblegum pop teeny bopper song!  OH MY GOD I can't believe you said that you think I like Billy!  That's so gross like EWW OMG WTF?!  OH MY HOLY LIVING FUCKING JESUS GOD CRAPBASKET you agreed with me again now it's time for all five of us irritating super-loud bitches to screech our ever-loving heads off like we've just won the fucking lottery and got free shoes for life!  Everyone on this bus must realize that we are B.F.F. and OH MY JESUS HOLY SPIRIT VIRGIN MARY GOD WHO ART IN HEAVEN HALLOWED BE THY NAME we are like so totally awesome and we love each other so much and we're all really fucking god damned hilarious and cool and everyone loves us and nobody sitting on this bus wants us to accidentally fall out of the emergency exit and then be run over by an entire fleet of eighteen-wheelers filled to the top with lead bricks!  Look at how loud we can be!

I am in the restaurant with you!  I have brought all ten of my excruciatingly irritating unruly children and about two hundred thousand giant brightly-colored ridiculous plastic toys that play sounds and light up like a UFO on the surface of the fucking Sun whenever my kids bash them on the table, which they do CONSTANTLY ALL THE FUCKING TIME WITHOUT EVER EVEN STOPPING FOR LIKE TWO MOTHERFUCKING SECONDS!  They are so cute when they run screaming from table to table and then pull their pants down for no reason before rolling around on the floor growling like some sort of retarded wounded tiger and spitting skittles out of their mouths in a delightfully revolting display of asylum-grade idiocy!  Isn't it adorable how my little goblins run up to complete strangers and try to pull food off their plates with their disgusting little fingers?  MAN I bet there's nobody out here that thinks that the next time my kid runs up to him he's going to take the romantic "mood lighting" candle off his table and set my fucking hellion on fire before jabbing a fork in his face!  That would be REALLY FUCKING EVIL and COMPLETELY UNPROVOKED AT ALL!  Now my two month old is dancing on our table and kicking stuff onto the floor and making a huge disgusting mess!  My other kids are climbing around in the ever-growing pile of floor potatoes and licking the underside of the table!  I am doing nothing to prevent any of this!  Sometimes I laugh and use my AMAZING POWERS OF UNFIT PARENTING to give my children as much positive reinforcement and encouragement as possible without even realizing I am doing this!  I can't imagine why anybody would have a problem with this because these little bastards came out of my vagina so everything they do must be really goddamned hilarious and cuter than an Easter basket full of baby chicks wearing festive party hats and hugging each other!  They're just children for crying out loud, how can you think that they aren't so delightful you want to barf!  I can't imagine how the laughter of children could grate on anyone's soul, unless that person is an evil fucking bastard and probably a terrorist Commie-Nazi Fascist!  It is impossible for anyone around us to have a polite conversation because my army of homemade child-demons is causing so much racket that everyone in the dining area is in danger of having their eardrums explode!  I am ruining the one date night this month that your budget will allow and I don't even give a shit because I am a selfish cockburger!  Aren't my complete and total lack of parenting skills really fucking adorable?  Look at how loud my kids can be!

I am talking on my CELL PHONE as loudly as I possibly can!  I am having a REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT conversation about really fucking important shit!  I want EVERYONE around me to understand that I am a BIG-TIME serious Class-A business guy and you are all PATHETIC PIECES OF SHIT who are not worthy of licking the two-day-old gum off the bottom of my pretentious eight thousand dollar PATENT LEATHER suede dress shoes!  I am talking about FUCKING WORK, which is more than I can say for you assholes, who are just riding the bus like FUCKING CHUMPS!  I FUCKING WISH I had that luxury, but I FUCKING DON'T because I am SUPER GODDAMNED IMPORTANT and don't you fucking forget it, bitches!  I am making inappropriate comments about MY FUCKING SLUTTY INCOMPETENT SECRETARY and complaining my ass off about how the guys who WORK FOR ME need to GET THEIR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER because TIME IS MONEY, YOU COCK-GOBBLING INFERIORITY MONKEYS.  Ignore the fact that I am riding the GOD DAMNED BUS to work!  It's not because I'm NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT and WEALTHIER THAN GOD, it's jut that there's NO GODDAMNED PARKING downtown and riding the bus allows me to use my TINY CELL PHONE to GET FUCKING WORK DONE on the ride into town!  I am POWER TRIPPING MY ASS OFF in order to compensate for my INCREDIBLY SMALL PENIS and COLOSSAL sense of insecurity!  So you had all better BELIEVE that I'm fucking important because I am FUCKING YELLING into my cell phone about GOD KNOWS WHAT and using MEANINGLESS WORDS AND PHRASES like "PRICE ELASTICITY", "AMORTISATION" and "FUCKING TANGIBLE ASSETS MOTHERFUCKER"!  Look at how FUCKING LOUD I can be!

I am sitting next to you on an airplane!  I am so fat that a large portion of my body comes over to your side of the seat, yet for some reason appear to be completely oblivious of this fact!  You will be smashed up against the window with no room to move and/or breathe!  I am carrying on so much shit that I need a goddamned pack mule to escort me to my seat, and I won't hesitate to prop this bag full of indiscernible miscellaneous shit up against your leg without asking you!  HOLY SHIT FLIGHT ATTENDANT can I get a pillow, a blanket, two oxygen masks, an extra copy of SkyMall, fifteen packages of peanuts, and enough barf bags to re-stock the International Space Station?  I collect them!  Now I am going to spend the next hour talking to you about stupid shit you don't give a fucking crap about!  Where are you flying today?  I don't really give a shit, but it gives me a good opportunity to tell you about all sorts of boring stupid crap you didn't even ask me about!  I am traveling with my wife and we are going to see my parents in Wichita, which means we're going to have to change planes on Albuquerque and I was up at six o'clock this morning and we won't get there until AT LEAST 10pm depending on how long it takes for us to rent a car and blah blah blah more boring shit blah blah blah I can't shut the fuck up even if you slap me in the fucking face and then fuse my lips together with a pneumatic staple gun!  My infant child has an ear infection!  It will be fine once she screams herself to sleep, which should only take about three hours!  My other children are running up and down the aisle shrieking their heads off and opening up all of the overhead compartments!  They are fucking adorable!  Now I am talking to my wife about really important shit, like how we are finally going to get to have sex when we drop these kids off at their fucking grandparents' house!  I am shouting so everyone can hear me over the airplane engine and the sound of my constantly-yelling devil spawn!  Look at how loud I can be!

I am having an argument in public!  I don't understand why nobody else wants to hear about my personal business because it's really fucking important to me so it should be really fucking important to a hundred people who have never met me before and wouldn't give two shits if I accidentally walked off a cliff and landed on a giant pile of wooden stakes!  I am either a woman and a man having a lover's quarrel that borders on domestic violence or I am two dudes trying to prove to each other that we're harder than a concrete erection, but either way everyone on this entire city block must know that this guy I am yelling at is a motherfucker for some reason!  I have serious boundary issues and have no problem airing my grievances for all the world to hear!  I am going to call this guy unimaginative insulting names like "you jerk", "you fuck" and "you fucking fuck", even though there are far more original insults out there, such as "you cataclysmically cretinous catastrofuck" and "you gaping chasm of idiocy".  We are both going to start off with an overly-spirited misguided debate and then rapidly degenerate until we are just yelling "fuck you" as loud as possible at each other!  I don't give a shit that it is two in the morning and I am in the middle of a heavily-populated residential street full of people who are trying to sleep!  The truth about this fucking fuck must be heard by all!  I have no respect for anybody around me!  Look at how loud I can be!

I am a pretentious yuppie piece of shit!  My group of friends and I are hanging out in public and everyone around us must know that we are young, up-and-coming, and more hip than "80s Prom Night" at a hot nightclub!  We are going to get wasted on pretentious cocktails and then go clubbing tonight!  That's why all the chicks I'm with are dressed up like high-class escorts!  My buddies and I are all trying to one-up each other because whenever we get around women we all act like fucking jackasses!  I must be louder than the guy who was just talking because loudness is a good indicator of how big a man's johnson is!  I am laughing so fucking loud!  I have a cock the size of a small motorcycle!  Now I will punch my buddy in the arm!  MAN I fucking hope I can nail one of these classy skanks!  They are giggling at all my stupid jokes, so I must be really fucking hilarious!  I am going to tell more of my inane trite dick jokes SUPER FUCKING LOUDLY so everybody around us can hear them and bask in the glow of my ultimate awesomeness!  Just so these hootchies know I'm not all fun and games I'm going to talk REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY about my job and how "they've been giving me a lot more responsibility lately" and how I've got a "lot of potential to grow in my position"!  Soon I will have so much money that I'll be able to replace my toilet paper roll with a stack of twenty dollar bills, so you ladies better get in on the ground floor while I'm still willing to let you "grow in my position" if you know what I mean!  *I* don't even know what that means, but it's super fucking hilarious so I'm going to laugh my ass off like I'm watching a rerun of motherfucking Sanford & Son!  I am so "in there" with these chicks and their retardedly-tight low-cut dresses!  Look at how much hair gel I have!  I could stop a fucking bullet with my head if I wanted to!  I wouldn't, because that would really fuck up my hair!  Listen to me yell about my hair!  Look at how loud I can be!

I am a crazy person!  I yell ridiculous non-sequitur bullshit, but I say it very seriously so you have to pretend like I'm dropping golden jewel-encrusted fucking nuggets of never-before-heard peerless fucking wisdom!  Give me some fucking money!  The end of the world is near!  I am going to sit next to you on this bench!  I reek of body odor, stale booze, and cheese!  Kids these days don't understand what REAL work is!  I was in the Coast Guard during the SECOND Vietnam - the one the government doesn't want you do know about!  I will spit on any ethnic minority I see because I compensate for my low self-esteem with rampant racism!  Check out my torn disgusting American flag t-shirt!  It has an eagle on it!  I have been sober for two years, so seriously give me some fucking money!  I am going to scream profanity and bellow meaningless, unintelligible phrases at the top of my lungs!  I want everyone within earshot to be incredibly uncomfortable even being close to me!  Can you see that I am serious?  Maybe I should give you my patented "psychopathic glaze" and stare you down so you think I will kill with a rusty spork if you don't pay attention to me!"  If you make eye contact with me though I will scream profanity for no reason at all!  AND I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING GIVE ME SOME FUCKING MONEY GODDAMNIT!  LOOK AT HOW LOUD I CAN BE!!!