Last Friday I was supposed to have all four of my wisdom teeth extracted by a sub-par dentist that I can't stand.  While I was certainly not looking forward to having things yanked out of my head by a man I wouldn't trust to valet-park my car, I decided to make the most of my situation.  I told my boss that I would be having the procedure on Thursday instead of Friday.  This would at least give me one day home alone to enjoy the first day of the NCAA Tournament First Round, which in my opinion is one of the most exciting weekends in all sports.  So I got Thursday and Friday off - Thursday to watch ball, Friday to be so drugged up on narcotics that I could hardly see straight.

Then something excellent happened.  I got a phone call Wednesday afternoon canceling my appointment.

Naturally I still took Thursday and Friday off of work because I am a slack-ass loser.  However, instead of sitting on the couch all weekend trying to dull a screaming pain in my jaw with horse tranquilizers, I would get to sit on the couch all weekend watching basketball and dicking around on a laptop.  Since Hot Andrea was going to be out of town on a business trip from Friday through Sunday, it meant that I was going to have the whole house to myself all weekend.  This resulted in a brief glimpse into single bachelor life, and let me tell you it was a little frightening.  I spent it watching ball, eating Hungry Man microwaveable lunches and IM'ing with Sexx (and sometimes Andrea), who were also equally as engrossed in the games as I was.  Sure the TV and microwaveable food was fun, but after this ordeal I'm pretty convinced I would be unable to survive on my own in the wild.

Since I'm totally running out of things to talk about on this webspace, I cut-and-pasted snippets from our conversations for your enjoyment.  I've seen this done on other websites with varying degrees of success, and I am not above stealing material.  The only real difference here is that Sexx and I probably aren't as interesting or humorous as most people who write for comedy websites.  So it's sort of tough to say whether this will have any appeal at all to the casual reader or whether this is a case of "it's only funny if you were there", but I find them to be hilarious and this site is pretty much just about putting up things that I think are funny anyways.  So fuck the rest of you.

Sexx:  I would like to see Long Beach State do well
Sexx:  because Snoop is from there
Sexx:  and they have a guy from Compton
Sexx:  if this were a gunfight, Tennessee would be fucked

Sexx:  the president of TAM-CC is Dr. Flavius Killebrew
Ben:  dude
Ben:  all i know is that their mascot is a giant tiki-man muppet
Ben:  which puts it high in the running for greatest mascot ever
Ben:  you know how i always talk about wanting to have one of those custom "ben" mascots like that starbucks commercial?
Ben:  i think this guy might even be cooler than that
Ben:  especially if he eats fire or walks on coals or boils human heads or something
Ben:  he would still have to do the worm though

Sexx:  I was straight multitasking today
Sexx:  simultaneously doing laundry, sauteeing onions, grilling brats, talking on the phone, and watching ball
Ben:  impressive
Sexx:  I just reduced it down to eating brats, talking on the phone, chatting on the computer, and watching ball
Sexx:  my head might pop at any moment
Ben:  yes
Ben:  be careful
Sexx:  I will
Ben:  you do not want any brat related injuries
Ben:  you cannot get workman's comp when brats are involved
Ben:  that's a fact
Sexx:  that would be terrible
Sexx:  it might damage the good name of brats
Sexx:  and we can't have that
Ben:  no
Sexx:  brats are delicious
Ben:  everyone would hate you
Ben:  for befouling the brat
Sexx:  yes
Sexx:  speaking of weiners
Sexx:  as I so often do
Sexx:  there was this great picture on deadspin the other day
Sexx:  let me see if I can find it
Sexx:  it is the miller park racing sausages checking their email

Ben:  the announcer just referred to them as "the second best three point shooting team in the atlantic 10"
Sexx:  wheeee
Ben:  isn't that like "the bronze medalist in the special olympics"
Ben:  "the nit champion"
Sexx:  the second least ugly west virginia cheerleader

Ben:  so back in the day the NIT championship used to be a pretty big deal
Ben:  i was born during the championship game in 1980
Ben:  my dad was watching it because Virginia was playing
Ben:  and my mom went into labor
Ben:  and my dad was like "can it wait until after the game?"
Sexx:  nice
Ben:  yeah
Ben:  i told you my dad drove like an hour and a half to the hospital right
Sexx:  no
Sexx:  why
Ben:  so i could be born in philadelphia
Ben:  and not have new jersey written on my birth certificate

Ben:  it is thursday afternoon and i am sitting home watching hoops
Ben:  this is the life
Sexx:  yes
Sexx:  the sliding glass door behind me is open
Sexx:  the windows are open
Sexx:  there's a nice cool breeze
Sexx:  the grill is on
Ben:  hm
Ben:  its 20 degrees and snowing here
Sexx:  but it's march
Ben:  yes
Ben:  we are going to get 6-8 inches of snow today
Ben:  followed by freezing rain and sleet all night
Sexx:  dude

Ben:  i think these guys can relate to the advice coach selwyn gave me when i was on our high school football team
Ben:  "you got a lot of heart, kid"
Ben:  "but you got no skill"

Ben:  he's making the X sign
Ben:  with his forearms
Ben:  the coach
Sexx:  yes
Ben:  that is also incidentally the international sign for "cock block"
Sexx:  is it
Sexx:  I did not know that
Ben:  well
Ben:  that's my sign for it
Ben:  when a guy gets the cockblock
Ben:  i make an X with my forearms
Ben:  and laugh
Sexx:  word
Ben:  and maybe go "ohhhhhhh"
Sexx:  maybe the coach is calling for the cock block

Sexx:  did you see that the guard on Kentucky makes the DDP symbol when he hits a shot?
Sexx:  he calls for the diamond cutter
Ben:  nice
Sexx:  he says it's from jay z
Ben:  yeah i think i heard that somewhere
Sexx:  but DDP was doing it when jay z was in short pants

BANG

Ben:  so do you get these flomax commercials?
Sexx:  yes
Sexx:  and I love them
Sexx:  possible side effects: runny nose and decrease in semen
Sexx:  if I had that side effect combo
Sexx:  I would stop taking it RIGHT NOW
Ben:  yes
Ben:  but how would you know you had a decreased amount of semen?
Ben:  is it significant?
Ben:  or do you have to measure it?
Sexx:  good question
Ben:  and what exactly constitutes "weak stream"?
Ben:  how do you calculate stream velocity?
Ben:  is it in pounds per square inch?
Sexx:  pascals
Sexx:  pressure
Ben:  amperage hours

Ben:  i like the commercial where the GTA guy helps people
Ben:  i don't know why
Sexx:  I like the part where he puts his jacket on the hobo and pushes him in the car with bitches
Sexx:  and the bitches appear to be cool with it
Ben:  yes
Sexx:  oh, well, if he's got a leather jacket
Sexx:  then we can have a four-some
Ben:  that is the magic of leather jackets

Sexx:  esurance ads are obnoxious
Ben:  yeah
Ben:  i don't like the xtreme ass definition they give her
Ben:  it seems wrong
Ben:  in a japanese animation sort of way
Sexx:  right
Sexx:  I'm not really into having sex with cartoons, myself

Ben:  so you know how acie law has that tattoo on his arm
Ben:  that's like a piece of paper with words on it
Sexx:  yes
Ben:  i always imagine that's actually a law
Ben:  maybe like the torah or something
Ben:  but i usually think like 16th-century agrarian law
Sexx:  I hope it says
Sexx:  MILK
Sexx:  ORANGE JUICE
Sexx:  BREAD
Sexx:  EGGS
Ben:  "in situations where conclusive evidence does not support the prosecution's claims..."
Sexx:  BANANAS
Ben:  "writ is obtained by petition to a judge in the county or district..."
Sexx:  CEREAL

Ben:  are you seeing this prilosec commercial?
Ben:  with these middle-aged chicks rolling dice all over the place?
Ben:  are they playing d&d?
Sexx:  heh
Sexx:  I'm on day 10
Sexx:  of my orc quest

Ben:  the UPS whiteboard guy needs to cut the mullet
Sexx:  he needs to go away
Sexx:  I hate those ads
Sexx:  look at truck
Sexx:  truck not go on water
Sexx:  ah!
Sexx:  but what if truck were plane?
Sexx:  plane go over water!
Sexx:  UPS. Buy Our Shit.

Ben:  so this is my dinner
Ben:  1 glass of water
Ben:  1 strawberry ensure
Ben:  1 vanilla pudding
Ben:  1 chicken parmesan hot pocket
Ben:  some crackers
Ben:  a box of yogurt raisins
Ben:  a can of pears
Ben:  a package of fruit snacks
Ben:  i do not think i would survive on my own
Sexx:  heh
Sexx:  that is quite the combination
Ben:  i do not want a repeat of last night
Ben:  when i was starving
Ben:  and had to call andrea on the phone
Ben:  to ask her how to make potatoes edible

Andrea:  dude, can i just say that i think the daisy chain linking arms on the bench is a lot more gay-looking than they probably realize?
Ben:  this is so true
Andrea:  i know
Andrea:  i should be an image consultant

Andrea:  fucking WSU just choked
Andrea:  CHOKED
Ben:  they did
Andrea:  asshats
Andrea:  they are going to make me cry
Andrea:  They're screwing my life

Andrea:  my co-worker just called
Andrea:  she and her friend are in her room avec la biere
Andrea:  but now i have to stay and watch the second OT in the vandy game
Ben:  what's a biere
Andrea:  beer
Ben:  haha nice
Ben:  one of them classy parties
Andrea:  totally
Andrea:  afterward we're going to trash the room and set it on fire

Andrea:  these games are closer than they should be
Andrea:  GET IT TOGETHER AND STOP TRYING TO SCREW MY BRACKET
Andrea:  gah!
Ben:  georgetown needs to step on the throat here
Andrea:  they're starting to put a little bit of distance in there
Andrea:  until they fouled him, like morons
Andrea:  i'm going to have an aneurysm
Andrea:  and die
Ben:  don't do that
Andrea:  georgetown leaves me no choice
Ben:  yes
Ben:  i understand
Ben:  time to jump from the roof
Andrea:  i know.

Ben:  so i used to work with a hot irish babe
Ben:  her name was spelled Aine
Ben:  and nobody knew how to say it
Ben:  so i was like, "how do you say it"
Ben:  and she was like "it's ON-yuh"
Ben:  "so if you need to remember it"
Sexx:  huh huh huh
Ben:  "just think"
Sexx:  huh huh huh
Ben:  "i want to be Aine"
Ben:  i never forgot how to say it
Sexx:  I bet not
Sexx:  that sounds like a pickup line to me
Sexx:  I hope you tapped that ass
Ben:  no
Ben:  her two brothers were irish punk thugs from southie
Ben:  so i would not have gone there
Ben:  even if i had been single
Ben:  which i wasn't
Sexx:  word
Ben:  i don't want to be brained with a shillelagh
Ben:  and stuffed in a pot o'gold
Ben:  and choked with four-leaf clovers
Ben:  and bashed with purple horseshoes

Sexx:  I'll tell you
Sexx:  I could watch tyler hansbrough getting jacked in the face over and over
Sexx:  I really enjoy it
Ben:  more players need to get cracked in the nose
Ben:  neitzel
Sexx:  paulus
Ben:  the notre dame leprechaun guy
Sexx:  randolph morris
Ben:  ohio state
Sexx:  yes
Sexx:  the entire state

Ben:  so dig this
Ben:  i haven't showered or changed my shirt since Thursday
Sexx:  I have to be honest
Sexx:  that's pretty disgusting
Ben:  yes it is
Ben:  just be glad you can't smell me right now

Ben:  i have made the largest pot of mashed potatoes ever
Sexx:  that must be a large pot
Sexx:  did you use actual real potatoes?
Ben:  no
Ben:  of course not
Ben:  it was a box
Sexx:  silly me
Ben:  but it was the whole box
Sexx:  nice
Sexx:  that is an assload of potatoes
Ben:  i will be eating potatoes for the rest of my life
Sexx:  they call you irish ben
Ben:  it's a good thing i like mashed potatoes so much
Ben:  because i am the king of the mashed potato kingdom

Ben:  if you are going to foul him
Ben:  foul him so hard that he doesn't make the shot
Sexx:  yes
Sexx:  knock his face off
Ben:  he just have ignored the ball
Ben:  and just diamond cut him like DDP
Sexx:  dude
Sexx:  you're right
Sexx:  he should be able to do it there
Sexx:  since it can be done from any position
Sexx:  that's what you should do at the wedding
Sexx:  at a quiet moment
Sexx:  just diamond cut me
Ben:  DUDE
Ben:  i will wait until after the ceremony is over
Sexx:  and yell BANG
Ben:  out of respect
Sexx:  if you must
Ben:  but then
Ben:  after you are finally pronounced
Ben:  then it will be on
Sexx:  like neckbone
Ben:  exactly like neckbone
Ben:  you will not see it coming
Ben:  you will be cutting the cake or something
Ben:  BANG
Sexx:  be sure to make the hand sign afterward
Ben:  yes
Ben:  and i will crotch chop
Ben:  i know DDP didn't do that
Ben:  but i think that since it's a special occasion and all
Sexx:  right

Ben:  dude
Ben:  how did they turn the chicago river green
Sexx:  I guess assloads of dye
Ben:  i think radioactive sewage
Sexx:  ground up leprechauns
Ben:  broccoli juice
Sexx:  dragon jizz