So Hot Andrea and I were at some stupid function the other day and some jerk was like, "so how's married life treating you so far?"  Ok, whatever.  We get asked that all the time.  We gave the standard "it's not too different from living with each other" stock response we give everyone who asks that question.  Well this guy then decides that he wants to give us fucking relationship advice.  He starts going on and on about how we need to "define our marriage" and says some crap about how we need to be comparing how our marriage stands up against other married couples.

Well this gave me an idea.  As this jerk was droning on and on about commitment, compromise, and all kinds of boring shit I started thinking about how Andrea and I as a tag team would stand up against other celebrity couples in two-on-two deathmatches.  I consulted with Andrea afterwards, and this is what we came up with.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Strengths:

Both are Level 22 Scientologists and now have access to the Official Church of Scientology Gym Facilities and the ability to rent out the Official Church of Scientology Intergalactic Flying Saucer^TM and travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy searching for Aeons or Romulans or whatever the hell those crazy Scientology weirdos are always trying to find.  Expert-level proficiency in E-Metering, vitamin distribution, and acting in movies with blatant homoerotic undertones.  Daughter may or may not be an alien demon capable of swallowing entire planets and blinking psychiatrists out of existence by force of will alone.

Weaknesses:

Difficulty reaching things off the top shelf in the kitchen.  Become disconcerted when you tell them anything along the lines of "Scientology is a bullshit cult".

How We Would Face Them:

Monkey Style Kung Fu.  The fact that I'm like two feet taller than both of them and flailing my limbs around wildly would make hand-to-hand combat between us look like something between feeding time at the zoo and Ivan Drago wigged out on PCP battling a couple of chipmunks.  Plus, as Andrea mentioned in a previous update, Tom Cruise is certainly rat-like in his appearance, while I have been described as "monkey-esque".  Monkeys eat rats.

Odds:

If we were not able to defeat these two in mortal combat 95% of the time I would commit ritual seppuku by swallowing a gigantic heart-shaped frisbee.  It would just be too difficult for me to even look at myself in the mirror.

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman

Strengths:

They have so much money that they could potentially purchase an unstoppable army of titanium Kill-bots capable of destroying not only us, but the entire city block we live on.  He also plays guitar or something I think.

Weaknesses:

Neither of them possesses the creativity, desire nor drive with which to purchase said Kill-bot army.  He's an alcoholic Bon Jovi-wannabe with gay hair, and she's flimsier than a piece of paper in a dishwasher full of Hydrochloric acid.  Their combined muscle mass is unfavorably comparable to that of a poorly-drawn stick figure.

How We Would Face Them:

Straight up back alley knife fight behind a 7-11 at two in the morning with all four of us wearing sunglasses and leather jackets.  Strapping our non-knife hands together Beat It-style optional.  No robots allowed.  Feinting the face-stab Miyamoto Musashi-style would likely prove to be highly effective.

Odds:

The only real question here is who would win their knife fight first - me or Andrea?  My money's on Andrea.  I've seen her chop up onions and stuff for dinner like an Amazonian warrior babe tearing through an army of Orcs, and believe me when I tell you that I'd take her and that 7" Wustof Japanese Chef's knife over anybody else in the planet in a one-on-one duel.

David Beckham and Posh Spice

Strengths:

Both have the uncanny and slightly unsettling ability to motivate large numbers of British people to yell loudly for no reason.  He excels at a sport nobody on this side of the Atlantic gives a shit about, while her greatest accomplishment in life revolves around wearing next to nothing, jumping around on stage like an idiot with four (?) other girls and battling the Hanson brothers for air time on MTV-2.

Weaknesses:

He's an expert at choking during big games and is certainly a far cry from Zidane on the Badassitude Scale.  She's a poster child for anorexia and bad plastic surgery, and could probably have her entire body broken in half by a wayward piece of debris kicked up off the street.

How We Would Face Them:

Twelve rounds at Caesar's Palace.  I'm not down with getting kicked by Beckham, so if we take his legs out of the equation I think I could take him.  The only real problem with fighting in a legitimate boxing match is that it would take away my ability to fight dirty like the bitch that I am.  But seriously, who wouldn't pay good money to see Posh Spice get knocked retarded by a big Hot Andrea right hook?

Odds:

I think we could take two out of three.  I know Beckham's in good shape and all, but his wife would either drop like a sack of lead potatoes or explode into a million tiny pretentious pieces the first time Andrea drilled her with one of her patented running haymakers, and I think Andrea and I together could really do some damage.

Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon

Strengths:

Ability to frost their hair in a number of different colors.  Skilled at playing bitches in campy crap teen movies.

Weaknesses:

Their relationship is on the rocks, and cooperation is what make a successful tag team work.  At this point, they seem like they actually wouldn't mind watching the other one get their ass beaten.  They're also apparently having trouble finding work these days.

How We Would Face Them:

Professional wrestling tag-team battle royale.  Andrea would be able to take Reese out early with her mad crazy dirty fighting skills and then could run-in and brain Ryan in the back of the head with an aluminum chair if I don't Diamond Cut the shit out of him first.

Odds:

I could totally take Ryan Philippe.  Andrea could totally take Reese Witherspoon.  We'd kick their asses 85% of the time.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

Strengths:

Ability to hold season tickets to two of the best seats in Fenway Park.  Ability to produce human children.

Weaknesses:

Despite their season tickets, they are generally reviled by every Red Sox fan worth their chowdah. 

How We Would Face Them:

Four-way free-for-all in an underground Thai kickboxing ring like the one in that movie about kickboxing where they wrap their hands in Ace bandages and cover them with super glue and thumbtacks.  What was it called again?  Oh yeah, Kickboxer.

Odds:

Ben Affleck (or "The Other Ben" as I like to call him) was well-known for playing goonish "I'll kick your ass"-style tough guys in Kevin Smith movies, but I'm hardly intimidated by a guy just because he can make paranoid drug-heads like Jason Mewes cower in fear or because he can beat up Jason Lee.  No, I need to see more definitive proof than that.

And I saw the true measure of Ben Affleck during the Red Sox 2006 season.  The Sox were playing the Los Angeles Angelic the Angels of Anaheim California of Angel the United States of Angeles and a foul ball was hit back to Affleck's cushy box seats.  Ben Affleck went up to make the play and keep the batter alive through the time-honored tradition of "fan interference", but just as he was trying to Bartman the ball away from the defense, fucking Angels third baseman Howie Kendrick jumped up and made the play, ripping the ball out of Affleck's hands.

Un-fucking-believable.  It was a disgrace to not only the Red Sox, but to baseball in general.  Any fan worth his salt would have ignored the ball and just punched the third baseman in the face as he was trying to make the play.  Sure, you'd get ejected or whatever, but as a fan it is your solemn duty to help your team win by any means necessary.  Ben's didn't necessarily show off his "mad ups" here either.  He just sort of stood there while this random dude flew in and pulled the out away from him.  The Sox lost 10-4 and Affleck and Garner were booed out of the stadium.

Hot Andrea and I don't fuck around when it comes to baseball, and we wouldn't fuck around when it came to fighting dirty, throwing sand in their faces and kicking some back.  I'd give us a 75% chance of victory.

Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez

Strengths:

They can both speak Spanish and have managed to live this long without accidentally killing themselves.  He kind of looks like a weird mongoloid zombie, which is kind of cool I guess.  Ability to remain popular despite the fact that neither of them has ever displayed anything even remotely resembling talent in their entire film or music careers.  Strange ability to be completely irritating in everything that they do.

Weaknesses:

Succeeding at anything that requires either skill or talent.

How We Would Face Them:

Ballnocks.  Both of them.  We would ballnock the shit out of them.  Standing ballnocks, flying ballnocks, running ballnocks, top-rope ballnocks... you name it.  Ballnocks for everybody.  After we've ballnocked the ever-loving bejeezus out of them, we'll have a four-way Old West O.K. Corral-style quick-draw gunfight.

Odds:

95% victory for us.  The fact that both Andrea and I could out-draw them with .45-caliber revolvers would only serve as a final insult to the street cred they spent their entire lives so desperately trying (and failing) to attain.

Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson

Strengths:

Ability to consume massive amounts of alcohol without dying.  She is proficient at several forms of slow-motion running, while he has the ability to blend in seamlessly with redneck yokels anywhere South of the Mason-Dixon line.

Weaknesses:

Unable to attend formal dinner parties without embarrassing themselves and everyone around them.  Inability for either of them to wear anything even remotely resembling a shirt.

How We Would Face Them:

Wait until they are both so blitzed out of their minds that they can hardly walk, and then challenge them to and epic four-way Queen's rules gentleman's rapier duel.  In their inebriated state we would have the advantage over them at the coordination-based combat, and the blades would keep us at a far enough distance that we wouldn't run the risk of Pam Anderson passing out, falling on us face-first and smothering us both to death with her rack.

Odds:

I have a friend I like to call Crazy S.  A couple years ago, Crazy S found out that her boyfriend of ten years was cheating on her with some twenty-one year old bimbo.  Crazy S found this bimbo, and then they proceeded to have a heated discussion.  Eventually the bitch said something to the effect of, "why don't you stay the fuck away from my man?".  Crazy S calmly turned to face her, looked her dead in the eyes, and said, "You don't know me.  I'm white trash.  I will grind a broken beer bottle into your cuntrag homewrecker face."

Then Crazy S pushed the bitch down a flight of stairs.

In my opinion, that story sums Crazy S up perfectly, but it probably also applies to Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson.  Any couple where the guy doesn't wear a shirt to his wedding (yes that's a pic from their nuptials above) is probably a few step above us on the Hardcore Scale.  I'm not necessarily a big fan of either of these people, but I'd be deluding myself if I were to say that Andrea and I would stand better than a 20% chance of taking these two in a fair fight.  If we stick to the fencing however, we could probably win out closer to 70% of the time.