Well, I've been listed as a contributor on My Stupid Website for something like 16 months, but I haven't really said or done anything since my inaugural article about Real ULTIMATE Battles!  I posted a couple of game reviews, and I also added a fucking lame paragraph to the 'Monkey Steals Peach' article.  I'm sort of off the hook, because for a while I had my own site to update.  It was just an extra-pale imitation of this one though.  I'm ashamed.  I want to rectify that though, by first leaving a message about just who I am.  Then, somewhere down the line, I'll reveal my crowning glory, the Guide to Ultimate Righteousness (Redux).

My name is Mike, but in the digital realm and elsewhere I'm known as Lucius Diamond.  My alter ego was born in my friend Josh's basement when I was involved in a terrible accident involving fabric softener, a Siberian husky, and a nickel plated revolver.  From that day on, I've taken the liberty to go absolutely balls out insane any time I want.

When I wrote my first article in July of 05, I was in the United States Air Force.  It totally blew, I hated it, and I'm pretty sure that it hated me.  Once they found out about Lou Diamond, they told me, "We don't need some goddamned psycho hanging around here.  Do you know what kind of pressure we're under?  These are fucking nukes, and you're babbling on about cottage cheese."  I wasn't about to take that sitting down, so I stood up HARD.  I drove my 1995 Plymouth Acclaim from Great Falls, MT all the way to the Palace of Diamonds, in Indiana.

Sure, after leaving the Air Force, I found myself in dire straits, financially.  So, I decided to do what any self respecting mooch would do.  Live with my mom and go to school!  It's the perfect excuse!  So, that's what I've been doing for the past however many months.  I've had plenty of jo-jobs, nothing I'd call a career.  Let me put it this way;  I have an extensive collection of name tags and hair nets.

I've actually only had two jobs since my return to Indiana, I just really felt like using a Wayne's World quote.  The first was at Hollywood Video.  It sucked balls.  I got paid a dismal $5.75/hr, but oh, I got free movie rentals.  Joy. I worked there for like 5 months, then quit.  The worst part is that the day after I quit, I got a call from my former boss.  Asking me on a date.  Jesus.  FYI, this chick is like 33 (12 years my senior), unattractive, irritating, unclean, and a mother of three (from three different pops...).  Reeeeeeal classy.  So now, I can't even rent there anymore.  One semi-positive aspect of working at Hollywood was the abundance of quasi-attractive 16 year old girls that work at/frequent the establishment.  Although that mostly just made me feel like taking a shower.  A long shower.  So that I could feel clean again!

Anyway, I just thought I'd mention that I did enroll in college, and I'm doing well, with a killer GPA, so get off my fucking case!  So what if I don't know what I want to do for a living, maybe I'll just be a goddamn mercenary like my old man was.  He never had trouble bringing in the bread, although he has been missing since 1992.

After the uncomfortable split with Hollywood, I moved on to bigger and brighter things as a cashier at Dick's Sporting Goods.  The pay is better, but still sucks choad.  $7/hr.  It was ok for a while;  I mean, how brainless is ringing people up at a register?  Well, the feats of stupidity I witness at that place might make you think otherwise.  Just stuff like "counting change" or "breathing" can be a challenge for some of the people that are working there.  This is the holiday season though, so they've thrown a job at just about anybody they can, like escaped chimps and homeless guys.  Hell, the customers are retarded for the most part too.  I'm standing at my register, oriented towards a credit card swiper, a computer screen, and a large counter on which to place merchandise.  How often do you think people come up behind me and ask, "Are you on the other side?" Too fucking often.

Dick's is okay, but I'm ready for a change.  I've sort of turned over a new leaf.  I've got a serious girlfriend, who is a serious babe, and that complicates things just a bit.  She's very understanding of my situation, and doesn't mind that I live with my mom, and that I never have any money.  That's what makes her so badass.  That, plus her foxy good looks, sarcastic wit, and Jeet Kune Do abilities.  Still, I want to move out, and have more money, because I'm pretty sure we'd have more fun in both events.  So, I'm in the process of trying to wrangle this tough guy, roughneck job out by the airport loading cargo on plains.  I'm pretty much ripped anyway, so it ought to be a piece of cake.  The pay rules too.

That's about it.  Thanks to Ben for letting me fill up his website with useless fluff.  I think I'll put something up next week too, if Ben will let me.