Kiera Knightley

Oh, Keira.  You are the most recent addition to my Top Ten list, and would certainly make it on to my Laminated Five if Andrea and I ever put one of those together.  It is truly a shame that we never had the chance to meet.

Salma Hayek

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for super hot latina babes, and Salma Hayek certainly falls into that category.  Another one in the top five list.

Britney Spears

That's fucking right.  I'm not even sorry - I would have done it just to say that I did it, and I wouldn't have even felt bad about it.  I know she's white trash, but I don't even care.  Screw you guys for judging me.

Milla Jovovich

Ever since I saw The Fifth Element in 1997 I was in love with Milla Jovovich.  She's got that sort of "high fashion" look that doesn't generally appeal to me - I usually like my women with a little more meat on their bones if you know what I mean - but it's hard to argue with how hot this chick is.  Unless you're Andrea of course.  For some reason she totally doesn't understand this one.

Jennifer Connelly

One of the first actress crushes I can remember was back in 1986 when I first saw a movie called Labyrinth.  I remember thinking that odd collection of vulgar talking muppets and the anamatronic crotch of David Bowie was cool and all, but I distinctly thinking that I was going to marry Jennifer Connelly when I grew up.  This was only reinforced a couple years later when I saw Career Opportunities and The Rocketeer.  Obviously this didn't work out, and today I have to say farewell to my super-secret crush on Jennifer Connelly.

Silvia Saint

I don't believe this list would be complete without my favorite pornstar.  I would imagine that the cool thing about sleeping with a porn starlet would be that she's pretty much down for all sorts of crazy shit.

Kathy Ireland

Man I had such a crush on her when I was in middle school.  Not only did I have a big poster of her on my wall, but I also had her Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar from 1993 or something ridiculous.  I think now she like owns a fitness camp for fat chicks or builds furniture by hand or something, but in the early 90s (back before big eyebrows went out of style) she was like a mondo radical cowabunga omega-babe.  She'll be a hard one to let go of.

Marilyn Monroe

When I sit down and face facts I know that I had just as much of a chance of sleeping with Marilyn Monroe as any of these other women, and Ms. Monroe has been dead for over forty years now.  So while I'm grasping at straws and wishing for wild imaginary ponies, I might as well include one of the most beautiful women to ever live on my list of chicks that stood idly by while the Amazing Ben boat set sail for greener pastures.

Asia Argento

Asia is a pretty recent crush of mine, and yet another one that Andrea doesn't get.  She's always telling me how horrible my taste in women is, which is sort of ironic considering the fact that I chose her to be my wife.  But then again, she also (like most women) totally hates herself.

Shaina Berkowitz

Shaina Berkowitz was this girl that I was totally, totally in love with when I was in high school.  She was like a straight A student and a cheerleader and a super babe, and I of course didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of even getting her to talk to me, but man was I borderline obsessive about her.  Ah, alas, it was truly not meant to be.