It should not surprise you to learn that the Corporate Ninja has a love/hate relationship with the X-Games, which I once again watched with mixed feelings on ESPN last week.  On the one hand, I love the spirit of competition, as well as the desire, ambitition and perseverance of all the athletes who participate in their respective events and all the flippin' sweet jumps they are capable of exhibiting.  However, it is painfully difficult for me to watch the game on television by virtue of the fact that I harbor an intense rage-fuelled disdain for all X-Games commentators.  If they were employees of mine they would have their entrails removed.  I would weld their spinal columns together and make a new surfboard out of them.

If you have ever suffered the dishonor of sitting through a broadcast of the most-hallowed X-Games, you would certainly understand the position that I am currently taking.  If you have not, allow me to present you with a brief preview of how the commentary goes.  It may help you to mentally picture the image of an acne-ridden seventeen year-old flying and spinning on a half-pipe.

"Play-by-Play" Announcer:  OH!!!

Color Commentary Announcer #1:  Double twist flat-side two seventy-five roastbeef dogfood purple monkey dishwasher!

Color Commentary Announcer #2:  He's going to have to double-check his six to not flatline a fish filet double-time roll-out or he's going to nutsack jizzgrinder the robo-donkey backslide!

"Play-by-Play":  WHOAAAAAH!!!

Color Commentary #1:  Triple McTwisting eight forty mecha-gainer cheeseburger with a half-calf into a fatty blunt stand grabbing spinning groin-buster roundabout!

Color Commentary #2:  That's the same trick he cracked his spine in seven places doing at last year's games!  With that one out of the way he can now start to cheesey Einstein a Johnny monkey nosecamp and worry about not bailing out the ragtime doo wop razorblade sonogram diaper rash!

Color Commentary #1:  Totally.

Color Commentary #2:  I rule.

Color Commentary #1:  Yeah.  You wanna make out?

Color Commentary #2:  Sure.

"Play-by-Play":  TOTALLY XTREEEEEEEEME!!!!!1111oneoneone

And then they cut to a shot of the kid's wife in a slutty tank top and keep the camera on her for the next fifteen minutes while she looks around confusedly.

Now one thing that I teach in my intra-office "Effective Communication" seminars is that if you don't speak in a language that anybody can understand, then nobody will ever have any fucking clue what the shit you're talking about.  Listening to X-Games commentary is an exercise in futility, for it constantly degenerates into an awkward mix of excited yelling, long strings of words that have no meaning whatsoever, and incomprehensible bullshit irrelevant conversations between the broadcast team.  Obviously these so-called "announcers" need to take one of my power seminars.  The kind where I just spend a half-hour beating them mercilessly about the head and neck and then put my foot up their asses.

But truthfully, the X-games are not entirely my scene.  The Corporate Ninja requires silence and knifelike precision, not crappy emo slapfights and the inane proclamations of prepubescent egomaniacs.  No, I much prefer the conglomeration of feats of physical prowess and ultimate x-tremitude that I have dubbed the "Office X-Games".  The Office X-Games not only serve to keep my mind and body sharp, but they increase productivity by keeping all employees on their toes and cognizant of their duties at all times.  And unlike those pussy "other" X-Games, these go on fifty-two weeks a year, since one must constantly be striving to better oneself both at home and at the office, and I believe the unrelenting pace of the Office X-Games reflects that philosophy perfectly.  This week I have chosen to highlight three events in the pantheon of the Games.

The first (and most common) Office X-Games Event is a little something I like to call, "A Friendly Visit From The Morale Fairy".  For this event, I grab my skateboard and ride around the office swinging my Nunchaku of Good Morale at any employees who are standing around not doing any work or that are otherwise wasting the company's time and money.  Just to shake things up, I like to try and ollie water coolers and grind desks while searching for unproductive blights on the company.  As a ninja I am perfectly adept, even on a skateboard, of sneaking up on unsuspecting people and clubbing them in the back of the head when they least expect it.  There truly is nothing like a high-impact bludgeoning to remind my Publications Department that they had better get back to work on the new letterhead design and stop standing around like fucking unproductive jackasses just because it's Friday afternoon.  If you are in the office, you had better be working!

Speaking of making sure that people are in the office, you would truly be surprised by the number of people who attempt to sneak out of the office early in their pathetic attempts at beating traffic home.  They do not seem to understand that their salaries are calculated under the assumption that they are working 40-hour weeks;  not thirty-nine and a half.  When people leave work early, they are essentially taking money from the company for work which they did not do.  By this reasoning, leaving early is exactly the same as when a cashier at the grocery store opens up the cash register and starts taking money out of it.  When these thieves attempt to rob the company of it's hard-earned money and devalue it's good name, I am compelled by duty and honor to stand up against their treachery and betrayal.  However, the fact that I am executing swift and vengeful justice against these heinous perpetrators does not mean that I cannot use the opportunity to further better myself and push my physical abilities to the limit (and also to the xtreme, I might add).

In the X-Game Event known around the office as, "The Parking Lot Dive Bomb", I ensure that swift retribution is dealt to these common criminals.  Whenever I catch someone leaving early (and I ALWAYS catch them;  I am a fucking ninja, goddamnit), I duck out into the stairwell and stealthily sprint up to the roof of our building.  I quietly make my way over to the edge of the rooftop that overlooks the parking garage and wait for my quarry to reveal himself.  Once I see the unsuspecting crook appear, car key in hand, I pounce.  Like a leopard or a flying squirrel, I careen towards my enemy.  The rush of jumping off the roof of a building without a parachute or a bungie cord is truly balls-out extreme to the max, second only to the thrill of executing a crippling aerial strike onto my target below and setting a violent example to any other potential thieves and slackers.

But far be it from me to hog all the office glory for myself!  If my award-winning team-building seminars stress one thing it's the power of cooperation, harmony and partnership.  As I always tell my students in the seminar, "It is impossible for a company to build an empire on the backs of the exploited working class if there is no working class to exploit.  Truly you are a vital cog in the corporate wheel, for without you there would be nothing for the corporation to stand on."  This axiom could not be more true than in the third event I'd like to share with you today - a little game called "Board Room Chariot Racing".

Now this is an event where teamwork and corporate synergy are the keys to success!  The object is simple;  a member of the Information Technology department puts on a specially-made backpack containing two long leather reigns.  A member of upper management stands on one of the leather boardroom chairs with the rolling casters and grabs hold of the reigns.  The object is for the IT guy to pull the executive across the office as fast as possible.  Two or more teams of executives race each other.  The loser has to buy lunch.

I almost always win, because I've mastered the technique of
"taking off my belt and whipping the IT guy with it"".

Yes, there is nothing like a good Boardroom Chairiot Race to boost morale or liven up an office party.  Sometimes we even let employees ride the chairs on their birthdays because our company prides itself on it's morale-boosting activities, and we're always looking for a good opportunity to humiliate and degrade our IT Department.

I sincerely hope that this brief glimpse into the day-to-day Xtremeness of my life has enriched all of your days.  Take this knowledge that you have gained today and apply it to bettering your own lives through hard work, dedication, and being balls out.  Go forth and demonstrate how Xtreme you can be!