It's a little known fact that for the past two seasons Hot Andrea and I have been members of a recreational co-ed softball league.  There's just something about the thrill of stumbling around the bases and the exhilaration that goes with spectacularly dropping routine fly balls that really gets the adrenaline pumping like nothing else this side of skydiving or getting kicked in the johnson.  There truly is nothing in the world like reclaiming your lost youth and pretending that you're a professional athlete when you're really just a grown man running around on a playground with a helmet on pretending you're Cal Ripken Jr. or Manny Ramirez.

Yes, I know it's stupid, but I do love it so.  The joys of co-ed rec-league softball are bountiful and plenty, and as such I would like to share some of the insights I have learned in my two seasons in the league.  Seeing as I'm the starting First Baseman and my batting average this year is a respectable .780 through eleven games hitting out of the three-spot, I can only help but feel that I'm more than qualified to write this guide to America's lesser-respected favorite hobby.

Welcome to the big time.

The Game of D-League Co-ed Softball Is for People Who Suck

There are four divisions in my softball league, labeled A through D, with A being a conglomeration of super-serious guys who "played ball in college" and switch-hitting chicks who served as alternates for the U.S. Olympic Team in Athens '04, while D-League teams are largely comprised of out-of-shape, uncoordinated, unmotivated office workers surrounded by an assortment of untalented people who have been conscripted into service for the sole purpose of filling out the team roster and who potentially could be replaced by motorized blow-up dolls.  In other words, if our softball organization was a herd of wild Zebras, the D-league would be the group immediately singled out by lions and other predators.  Our "league office" is some guy's house.  The fields we play on are unlit and usually made up of mud, crab grass and skin-scrapingly hard asphalt-like rocks.  It's ugly, it's undignified, and we love it.

The beauty of D-League softball is that nobody has any pretensions about the quality of their game.  It's the lowest common denominator of athletic ability, and truly the only thing separating a D-League Shortstop from a talentless loser is a fielder's glove and an equipment bag.  It's without a doubt the worst baseball/softball this side of Under-5 T-ball or maybe the Bad News Bears.  Any ball hit into the field of play has about a 60% chance of getting the batter on base, whether it be from the Third Baseman pretending he's A-Rod and zipping the ball 90 miles an hour over the First Baseman's head, the Right Fielder not even so much as reacting to a pop fly until it's already hit the ground and bounced twice, or the Second Baseman watching is awe as a ground ball slowly rolls past her glove.  Anything is possible, as the Suck Factor of D-League softball is truly like nothing else you have ever seen.  High-fives are given and sighs of relief are heard when the most routine of outs are made, and cheers erupt in the rare occasion that balls hit into the outfield don't bounce off the center fielder's glove and roll off into the darkness beyond.

"Oh fuck!"

Dealing with the Fact that You Suck

Despite the fact that D-League softball is truly only one step up from Thumbwrestling and Pencilfighting on the "athletic ability" scale, nobody wants to feel as though they are letting their teammates down.  However, if you were capable of doing anything OTHER than letting your teammates down at any and all possible times, you would certainly be somewhere other than the D-League and it's omnipresent vortex of suck.  So honestly the best you can hope to do is make sure that you have lots of good excuses for why you hit like Mark Bellhorn and field like Dick "Dr. Strangeglove" Stuart, and "the sun got in my eyes" was fine for Little League but it just isn't going to cut it when you're playing on an unlit field at nine o'clock at night with folks who have heard that excuse a thousand times.  You can refer to this handy list for some pointers:

Reasons Why You Suck

1. "This guy is throwing knucklers":  The staple complaint when nobody on your team can hit a ball the size of a grapefruit being lobbed underhand by a three hundred pound man with a brace on each knee is that he must be doing something crazy with his pitches.  Since he obviously isn't giving you his fucking cut fastball or slider or some shit, the only real MLB-style pitch he can possibly be throwing is the knuckleball.  The knuckler is perfect because even big-time major leaguers look like spastic douchebags trying to take a cut at one of those things, AND it actually travels about sixty miles per hour.  Never mind the fact that a goddamned slow-pitch softball moves at about fifteen miles per hour, the point is that it's at least somewhat plausible that this is what's going on.  If the rest of your team is performing poorly at the plate, they'll be eager to find some reason to justify their own suckitude, so you won't have to worry about anyone calling you out on this.



2. "This fucking ump blows":  Everybody hates umps.  Complaining about umps, refs and officials is the American athlete's favorite hobby, and D-League softball should be no different.  They're especially easy targets here, since these guys are usually just random dudes off the street with little to no training who stand behind home plate and call balls and strikes.  They're only in it for the $15 they're getting paid, and will usually call anybody and everybody "out" whenever they get the chance because the sooner the game is over the sooner they get to go home.  So it's usually safe to assume that he's going to do anything in his power to fuck you over, and as such he makes a prime target for your ire when you strike out or think you "beat out the throw" at first.  Sure, you actually took three giant hacks at pitches that were ten feet over your head, but the only reason you did is because you knew if you didn't swing the ump would call it a strike anyways.  Everyone understands this and is OK with it.



3. "I worked out this afternoon, so I'm already tired":  This one never gets old.  You suck because you're too much of a superhuman athlete to simply sit on your ass all day, and the exertion you just put out by benching an 800lb gorilla really just took it all out of you.  You don't suck;  you're just merely an olympic-quality performer who tried to do too much and now doesn't have the muscle endurance left to swing a bat and trot the sixty feet to first base without being thrown out by the left fielder.  Your love handles and beer gut are a testament to your indomitable desire to constantly live at the gym.



4. "I'm rehabbing an injury":  Another great one.  You get bonus points if it's a sports-related injury.  "Yeah I blew out my Achilles sliding into third in the last game, so I'm just not 100% today".  Sure, buddy.  Everybody knows that you didn't tear a rotator cuff last week.  You don't need Tommy John surgery.  You fucking overexerted yourself reaching for the remote while sitting on your couch eating day-old half-frozen pizza straight out of the box;  I'm sure you'll heal.  Somehow, someway, you'll pull through.  That of course won't stop you from wearing a brace for the rest of the season and blaming everything from tanking a play at short to forgetting to bring the booze on your "bad knees" or whatever.  You can also get bonus "cred" by claiming it's actually "an old baseball injury" that's "acting up" on you again.  Make sure that you mention this injury was the sole reason you didn't get signed by the Padres right out of high school.  That usually goes over well.



5. "This bat sucks":  Professional athletes are among the most superstitious people this side of the Miss Cleo Fan Club.  Why should the amateur co-ed softball player be any different?  Be as superstitious as possible about your bat or your glove, since it's a good inanimate object to vent your frustration on.  When you pop up another one to the pitcher's mound, make sure to slam the bat on the ground as hard as you can and proclaim that you're "never using that piece of shit again".  Obviously it's a Cursed Bat of Pop-Ups -2.  Sometimes it helps to get technical about your hitting style to justify why your equipment has once again let you down.  Be sure to look disgusted with yourself, wing the bat into the dugout fence and mutter under your breath (but loud enough for everyone to hear it) something to the effect of, "I shouldn't be using these 28-ounce bats.  I'm obviously out in front of these, so I need to go with a heavier weight and adjust my stance next time".  It makes you sound like you know what you're talking about, and convinces people that it's not YOU that sucks, but rather it's the six hundred dollar bat you just threw (and that the guy who batted just before you hit a home run with).

The Other Team Is Dicks

The title of this section comes from a conversation Andrea had with our Center Fielder, who is probably the best player on our team by a relatively wide margin:

Andrea:  Is it just me, or is the other team dicks?

Chris:  I always think the other team is dicks.

And you know what?  It's true.  The other team is dicks, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can get to enjoying the game of D-League softball and the fewer reservations you'll have when it's time to slide spikes-up into second or charge the Catcher at the plate.  The other team is always out there to fuck you over, and here's how.

They Take It Too Seriously

As I've mentioned several times now, the D-League is the scum of the amateur softball world.  It's the shittiest softball you will ever encounter.  For some reason however, the other team never seems to realize this;  they're too busy living out their fantasies of being the team captain of a division-leading major league squad embroiled in a tight pennant race.  They run over your players whenever they get the chance.  They come out of the dugout to argue with the goddamned ump.  Guess what idiot?  This isn't the World Series.  You're not fucking Tommy LaSorda.  This is D-League motherfucking softball, and you're just some jackass arguing balls and strikes with a kid who's getting paid minimum wage to make sure that a friendly game of Little League-calibur ball doesn't degenerate into hand-to-hand combat.  You look ridiculous and everyone hates you.

They're Smug Bitches

The other team is almost enirely composed of fifteen Derek Jeter-esque smarmy bitches who would like nothing better than to make jokes about how much your team sucks while they're "Mercy Rule"-ing you off the field in the third inning.  They're unsympathetic, uncompromising bitches.  They'll tag up from second on a pop-up to the Shortstop just to test his arm, knowing that nine times out of ten the Shortstop's going to panic and chuck the ball into the bleachers.  They know it, and they don't even care.  They're fuckers and they all need the humility that can only come by getting "Mercy Ruled" themselves.

Fucking Ringers

No D-League softball team should be able to turn a double-play on a ground ball to third.  Any team that can pull it off is fucking ringers.  These are the asshole teams that bring in guys from the B and A-Leagues for the sole purpose of humiliating you.  These are guys with AAA-quality arms that gun you out at home from deep left field and who are home run threats from both sides of the plate.  They get on base every time they come to bat, and anything hit anywhere remotely near them in the field becomes and automatic out.  They're the kind of guys you can only tolerate when they're on your team.  When they're not, your only real chance of winning involves sending spies over there to crack them in the leg with a tire iron while they're in the on-deck circle.

Your Team Is Also Dicks

Far be it from me to not turn the magnifying glass inwards though and recognize that my team is also dicks, almost entirely for the same reasons I listed above for the other teams.  We take it just as seriously as they do... just last week I watched Andrea completely truck some poor girl in a close play at second.  The chick was scared enough of the ball as it was, and it certainly didn't help that Andrea put her shoulder down and knocked this bitch over right when the throw came.  The ball flew out of her glove and rolled into the outfield.  Not that Andrea doesn't take her fair share of hits from her Catcher position, but damn.  If I were them, I'd think WE were dicks.

However, there are certain aggravations that can only come from someone on the same team as you.

Getting People to Show Up

In the spirit of fairness, every team is required to have three girls in the lineup for every game.  Anything less than that, and you are charged runs, outs, fielders and other severe penalties.  You would think that this would encourage girls to show up.  But it doesn't.  Other than Andrea and this other chick who may or may not come to every game stoned out of her fucking mind, no girls come to our games.  So we lose.  A lot.  I hate losing.

"The Coach"

Almost every team has one of these guys;  a dude who's ten to twenty years older than everybody else, who's been in the league for the last fifteen seasons, and who fucking knows everything about everything like he's the damn alternate bench coach for the Braves or some shit.  He only does the D-League stuff to get extra "practice" for his A-League games, he gives you shit when you suck (which is always), and he feels the need to give everybody "pointers" about everything.  "You took your head off the ball there", "You need to keep the glove down on those grounders", "Use two hands on those fly balls", "You can't fit second base down your pants"... stuff like that.  It's fucking irritating.  The guy's not even the captain, but he's like a grown-up little league coach who can't let it go and doesn't get the picture that nobody fucking wants to hear about it.

Things You Can Do to Make It Suck Less

Now certainly you've heard me bitch and moan about everything that sucks in co-ed softball, but as I mentioned before it's one of my favorite pastimes.  The trick is all in knowing how to make the most of your time on the diamond.

Team Spirit

Team spirit is key in rec-league softball.  The most important thing is to get a good name;  something clever like "Balls Outside" or "Here for the Beer"; or maybe something insane like "The Robot Monkey Brigade", "The Angry Pandas" or "Mr. Bananagrabber".  Then put some shirts together with a crazy logo, get numbers and witty names printed up on the back (Andrea went with "Bridezilla", for example) and you're ready to rock.  Nothing says "team unity" like a box of silk-screened itchy five-dollar t-shirts with stupid shit written on them.  Nothing.

Another fun thing you can do is bring a boom box and play "entrance music" whenever someone comes up to bat.  We played a team that did this, and they all came out to bad 80s tunes.  I was so jealous.

Other Spirits

By "other spirits" of course I mean booze.  It makes all the sucking that much more forgivable and understandable.  Unfortunately, since most of our games are on school fields we're not allowed to bring our own booze, so we're always either going sober (almost always) or meeting up for a BBQ ahead of time.  Don't forget the post-game beer-and-slurpee celebration, though.

Acting Awesome When You Know You Suck

Yes you certainly suck, but nobody needs to know that.  The important thing is to get out there, have fun, and convince people that you're awesome.  Here are some good ways to accomplish this:

1. Wear lots of equipment.  For some reason people look like they don't suck when they go all out with shit like batting gloves, wristbands, socks pulled up to their knees and expensive bats.  Andrea went out and got some "Napoleon Dynamite" wristbands - one set that says "flippin' sweet!" that she wears when we're winning, and one set that says "DANG!" that she wears when we're losing.  She also went out and bought a softball catcher's mitt, which makes everybody think she's awesome even before the game actually starts.  It's all in the gear.



2. Mimic famous players' batter's box rituals.  Since I hit lefty, I personally like to alternate between the David Ortiz "spit in the glove and clap your hands" and Ichiro's "point your bat at the pitcher".  Most people think it's loser-y, but it's not.  You can also do that thing in the batter's box where you swing five bats at once because you're fucking hard as nails.  Everybody thinks that's cool.



3. Keep track of your stats.  Baseball is a very stat-oriented game, and has records going back over a hundred years.  They seriously keep stats for everything from "doubles" to "home runs hit on Wednesday evenings in July against left-handed pitching".  Why should softball be any different?  Probably because it sucks.  But you certainly feel a lot better about yourself if you keep track of that shit and realize that you have a .700 batting average because you've been counting errors as base hits.  You sort of have to do that though, considering that three out of every four times you get on base the play involved some type of error.



4. Dive for everything.  Nothing says "web gem" like a good dive.  The trick is to make sure you have the ball securely in your glove before you jump, or you might not be able to hold on to it.  If it's way out of your reach, dive for it as well.  Your teammates will respect that you "made an effort".



5. No matter how much you suck, there is always someone who sucks harder.  Every team has some chick who doesn't so much "swing" as "hold the bat sideways and spin her entire body around".  This sort of thing is certainly good for the ego.  One time we played against a team where one of the guys had a retardedly "open stance" that basically involved turning his entire body to face the pitcher.  Our pitcher had to ask the guy, "are you seriously going to hit like that?" before throwing any pitches.  These sorts of people make you feel awesome.