One of the more difficult aspects of running a site where I attempt to post new and original content every single week in the form of sometimes-witty observations about things that suck is that occasionally I have a tough time thinking of anything good to write about.  I hear that people in "the biz" refer to this as "writer's block", but I generally prefer to just call it "fucking lame".

For all the bullshit I put up with at my job, the summertime truly makes it all worthwhile.  There are no students stumbling about the halls like drunken hobos high on Oxycontin, no professors asking me pointless questions they already know the answers to and nothing to keep me from sitting on my ass reading stupid shit on the internet all day.  It's perfect.  This week in the vast amounts of free time I've recently acquired I learned about a lot of crazy shit in the world, and I don't just mean "Operation:  Dust Lebanon for No Good Reason" or "Holy Shit the Fucking Big Dig Collapsed Wow Nobody Saw That Coming".  In lieu of putting together anything even resembling a cohesive, rational theme to this week's update, my complete and utter inability to come up with something even remotely interesting to write about means that I'm just going to rap about some of the more interesting stuff the internet has taught me this week.  Woot w00t.

That Irritating Paperclip Guy Finally Got His Damn House

I'm not sure if you've been following this or not, but there's some jackass in New York who one day decided that he wanted to get his own house because he was sick of living with his parents and trying to make money in the amateur special olympics bowling league.  Since he was apparently completely devoid of any sort of marketable skills, he came up with the brilliant idea of trading a single red paperclip for something bigger, trading that for something even bigger, and going on and on until he finally had his own house.  When I first read about this misguided adventure I was sort of impressed that this dude had so much spare time and money that he could devote his entire life to traveling across the country swapping office supplies with strangers and ripping people off by demanding stuff that was way better than what he had to offer, but I never really paid much attention to it otherwise.  Then one day I got this email from a truly forward-thinking reader:

I'm a big fan of the site and even though you probably don't care, I'm going to share with you my absolutely worthless opinion about a bullshit website called www.oneredpaperclip.com.  The general premise is that this stupid fucker from Canada thinks he can trade up from a paper clip to a house.  This bastard is too fucking lazy to get a job and buy a house like a normal person.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP THE INSANITY.  Check this shit out and maybe you could highlight is so that other people will hate this Canadian son of a bitch as much as I do.

Charlea

After reading this, it was as if a lightbulb went off inside my head, and that said lightbulb had the words "what the fuck?" written on it in bright orange crayola.  I immediately went from being impressed with this kid's copious free time to harvesting a healthy contempt for his panhandling scam-artist douchebaggery.  Sure, I enjoy wacky adventures as much as the next guy, but somebody should have told this dude that there are other ways to get your own house that don't involve being a total fucking toolshed and broadcasting it on the internet.  Here are three examples right off the top of my head:

1. Squatting.  It's free, it's easy, and the house is yours until the rightful owner comes home and puts a couple of bullets in your head.
2. Home invasion.  Sure you have to get your hands a little dirty, but you've gotta break a few eggs if you want to make an omelet.
3. Oh, I don't know, how about you get a fucking job like everyone else?  Sure it sucks, but guess what?  LIFE SUCKS.  FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

Unfortunately for humanity as a race, this week some publicity-starved podunk Canadian township decided to take pity on this jackass and they actually gave him a house.  They traded it for something worthless like a box of half-eaten jelly donuts from Krispy Kreme and a free handjob from LaToya Jackson, but it's obvious that the town of Numbnuts, Saskatchewan was far more interested in the recognition they would get for harboring a D-list internet celebrity than they were about the actual trade-in value of the crap he was offering them.  Either way it's depressing, not just because it's every person's civil duty to stop the perpetuation of stupid internet gimmicks but also because it took this motherfucker one year to get something that I'm probably not going to own in my entire life even though I bust my ass working full-time like some sort of gainfully employed chump.

On a completely unrelated note, If anyone out there wants to give me a free house I'm willing to put an animated GIF of me kicking you (or someone you know) in the ballbag on the front page of my website.

Fucker.

A Senator Attempted to Explain the Internet and Failed Miserably

Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens proved this week that people in Alaska know jack shit about the inner workings of any technology not geared towards harpooning sperm whales, freezing your nuts off or building igloos.  You have to read the speech he gave to Congress this week, which contains all the eloquence of Johnny Knoxville belching the alphabet at an Intenational MENSA convention and then lighting his pants on fire or getting his arm bitten off by a golden retriever.  An excerpt:

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet.  And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on.  It's not a truck.

It's a series of tubes.

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

What the hell is this guy talking about?  Enormous amounts of material, apparently.  How that relates to anything even close to being relevant is beyond me however.  This is like the sort of shit parents tell small children when they ask why the sky is blue and the parents have no fucking clue, so they just talk out of their asses in hopes that the kid will eventually just lose interest and go off to bang rocks together (or do whatever it is that kids do these days).  Or like when your drunk asshole friend tries to convince you that he's actually an expert on criminal law just because he's seen one too many episodes of Law & Order.  It's sort of like that here, only this guy was actually elected to office and he's trying to pass this shit off to Congress.  How the fuck are you supposed to make laws regarding the internet when you have a difficult time telling the difference between a Local Area Network, the Alaskan Pipeline and Angelina Jolie's small intestine?

"Get your stinking hands off my internet, you son of a bitch!"

Eddie Griffin Jacked Up His Car

According to this story, a lawsuit has been filed against Minnesota Timberwolves Center Eddie Griffin stemming from a car crash he was involved in back in March.  Sure, the first reaction is "big deal athletes get arrested and sued all the time", but it gets better.  Apparently E-Griff was driving down the street in his luxury SUV watching porn on the built-in DVD system and whacking it when he careened into a convenience store parking lot crashed into a non-moving Chevy Suburban.

There are so many things wrong with this.

1. This is a top-of-the-line, fully decked-out Cadillac Escalade.  It's roughly a sixty thousand dollar piece of machinery.  This isn't a fucking '86 T-Bird.  It's not a beat-up 1970's El Camino with torn-out upholstery.  You don't take this car through the drive-in window, you make your friends put out their cigarettes before they jump in the passenger seat and you don't even consider allowing your children to ride in it.  It's NOT the kind of car that you beat off in.  Come on, Eddie.  You should know this.  The leather seats should be a pretty big hint.



2. What the hell movie were you watching that you were so engrossed in it that you not only failed to notice that you drove your car into a parking lot, but also missed the GIANT FUCKING CHEVY SUBURBAN?  Those things aren't exactly small.  And it's not like he swerved in front of you either, since the owner of the car was inside the convenience store buying something that didn't involve two strangers humping.  But seriously, what were you watching?  Because it HAD to be good.
   
   
3. How did your porno DVD collection get into the car to begin with?  What caused you to believe that anything good could possibly come from having access to images of people having sex while you're in your car?  You certainly don't want your friends watching that shit while you're driving them around, especially if they've brought their girlfriends with them.  You don't want shit to go all Vikings Sex Cruise back there.  And you don't want to watch the porn while you're driving because you could stop paying attention to the road and end up smashing into a parked car Monster Truck-style.  So it's really in everyone's best interests for you to leave the porn at home next time.



4. Please tell me this was the first time you attempted this maneuver.  If not, you're going to have some upset teammates when they realize they've been riding around town in The Eddie Griffin Spankmobile for the last couple of months.



5. Damnit Eddie, we're not fucking animals.  Just because you're a professional basketball player doesn't mean you can't wait until you get home like everybody else does.  If you truly can't wait for it, at least park the car behind a mall or something.



6. I've watched T-Wolves games, Eddie, and I have to say that you're not exactly the most coordinated guy in the world.  Your lifetime 7.4 points per game and 0.4 steals per game can attest to that.  If you don't have the manual dexterity to take a ball thirty inches in circumference away from another human being at least once per every forty-eight minutes, what made you think you could pull off the holy trinity of watching porn, driving a car and flogging the bishop simultaneously?  You obviously can't.  You're just going to have to settle for road helmet and hope you can at least maintain your concentration long enough not to kill someone or destroy any stationary objects.  I think that when you've got a ton of money and drive an Escalade you can probably arrange to get some road head, which in the end might even be more fulfilling then whacking it alone in your car like some sort of degenerate pervert.

"Goddamnit Eddie, I was just riding in that car last week!"

The Nippon Ham Fighters

I just recently learned that there is a Japanese baseball team called the Nippon Ham Fighters.  My astute powers of deduction have surmised that this is either a professional baseball franchise owned by the Nippon Ham Company, which is awesome in and of itself, or their mascot is actually a "Ham Fighter", which conjures up images of a crazy Kung Fu guy beating people up with pork chops or an anthropomorphic pig stabbing people in gladiatorial combat.  Maybe they're actually "the guys who fight ham", like some sort of militantly Kosher sect of Orthodox Jews.  Either way, they're my new favorite sports club.

Plus they have cheerleaders, and their mascot is some sort of tit-groping bear.
Who can't support a team like this?

Live strong and beware the Ham.

My New Favorite Spectator Sport Just Got Cancelled

I'm not exactly sure how this slipped past Sexx and I for so long, but apparently up until this year the University of Florida sororities did something called "The Running of the Bulls" at the end of Rush Week every year.  As I recently learned, this involved every single girl who had rushed a sorority that semester gathering in a large field in the middle of campus to open their bid cards and find out whether or not they were accepted by the sorority of their choice.  Thousands of spectators would gather to marvel in the tragedy of human life that would result.

Look at all the whores!

Here are some more whores!

This is just about the greatest thing I have ever heard.  I can't believe I didn't get to see this live, and I'm even more upset that I couldn't find a good picture of some ho bawling her eyes out because she didn't get in to Tri Delta (come fly the friendly thighs) or some skinny toothpick-shaped chicky dressed like a hooker face-planting the turf. 

I asked Sexx if he had any input, and his response was uncharacteristically bitchy and awesome:

Be sure to mock the people who made this decision because they felt that making fun of sorority girls is not "in line with our values".  As though the entire sorority process weren't about destruction of girls' self-image and of any instinct to be an independent thinker.  What a load of shit.  They spend the other 364 days of the year crushing their first-year rushees because they're too ugly, too fat, too poor, too smart, not obsessed enough with boys, and don't wear the right jeans.  Why can't we have one lousy afternoon to make fun of them for things that are actually important and harmlessly funny, like (1) the fact that they can't run well in high heels and fall down hilariously and (2) the fact that they place so much value on their acceptance into these horrible caustic societies that they run around and bawl.  That is mocking that is justified and really fairly impersonal, unlike the very next day, when that rushee is going to be told by one of her big sisters to go sit at the fat table and eat lettuce. The more I write about this the more pissed off I'm getting.  Sororities are fucking poisonous and evil and they have no business telling the rest of us that WE are the ones "pushing people down" because we want to come out to Norman and watch bid day.  You don't think the sisters enjoy the fuck out of crushing the dreams of girls they don't judge to be good enough to be in their bullshit sisterhood?  My ass.  What a bunch of whores.

Er... on that note, here are some more pictures of the ho apocalypse!

Those whores are really whorey!

Not quite as whorey but still!