Almost exactly one year ago I published a bunch of awesome emails that had been sent to me since I started this site.  Well in the past year I've received quite a few more crazy/insane/awesome emails and this week I've decided to share some of them with you once again.

First off, I promise that I read every email I receive as long as it doesn't have some variant of the word "Viagra" in the subject line.  However, some of the letters I get are so balls-out that I have no idea how to begin to respond to them, so I often just don't reply.  I never intend this to be a snub to the emailer - it's just that I read the email, get a laugh out of it, and move on to the next thing.  Here is a good example:

so i was walking down the streetb going to my shitty ass safeway job when i remembered your staples arcticle and decided that is one of the truest things i have ever fucking heard in my history of listening to dumbass customers looking to piss me off so they can get a family size extra cheese ass kicking hand deliverd so i did the logical thing and told my boss that where i come from we wipe our asses with jobs like this and quit.   since then my life has been way better because ive got a construction job that has gotten me ripped thus, giving me the ability to kick stupid ass jocks face in and drag their girlfreind away like unga tug the prehistoric man worrior who should in fact be a badass of the week anyway props for such a total neon badass website

- sir ryan duke ellington of the 3rd relm

The most common sort of email I receive is in the form of suggestions for the Badass of the Week.  While I always appreciate hearing my readers' opinions as to who they think is the most badass motherfucker ever, I also have a text file on my desktop containing 147 possible future BotWs, so I really can't please everybody.  Many times I have to drop people that either I've never heard of or who are known only to the reader.  However, this doesn't mean that the reader can't make a good argument to support their nomination:

You haven't responded to my previous message, or perhaps you have and I missed it, If so that you depress me on the level of Bambi. What is up amazing ben?!?!?

I have a suggesition for your badass of the week thingmy.  My history teacher Mr. Byrne.  Mr. Byrne is one of most baddest motherfuckers on the block.  He fucking bikes to school and he lives like 20 miles away or something.  He's also Irish and a former boxer but he had to leave Ireland becuase he killed some guy during a boxing match and he went to like fucking south africa.  While in SOuth Africa some guys tried to fuck with him but he beat the SHIT out of them with a ladder or something.  He also was the reason for the cold war.  Now he teaches law and history at my school because he's planning to kill every mother fucker who ever fucked with him.  IN class he beats the shit out of any student who disobeys him.  Last week he killed a guy just for looking at him strange.  HE RIPPED HIS SPINE OUT!  In the teacher's work room, Mr. Byrne's desk is made out of human bones.  Those bones come from all the kids that fail his class!  The other day some kid started asking all these dumb questions, so Mr. Byrne beat him to death with a caesar salad!!!  It was so intense that everyone in a ten foot radius went legally blind for a day.  The principal was all like, "Mr. Byrne, don't ,make your students go legally blind."  And Mr. Byrne simply said "Really" and then proceeded to destroy the entire school using nothing but his forehead.  Then he made an omlette of such perportions that it would take the entire Jedi Council five days to eat.  Mr. Byrne also opperates on a different level of reality then ordinary people.  One day, some other teacher was all like "Mr. Byrne can you teach me how to be as good a teacher as you" and Mr. Byrne responded by taking off his shoe and shoving it directly into his brain!  WHAT THE FUCK!

Michael S.

Every once in a while another Ben Thompson emails me after having Googled his/our name and found one of my "I'm the Hottest Ben Thompson" pages.  Everyone I've heard from so far has been a pretty good sport about it, and they've even sent me some funny emails and pictures:

Hey Mate, I was feeling board one day so I googled my name (Ben Thompson) and I stumbled across your web site.  I think that your website is really cool, and I thought that I should send you my picture cause I thought you were getting images of all the Ben Thompson's that you can find so that you can state how better looking then them you are.

My name is Ben Thompson and I have always thought that I was better then anyone else (must be a Ben Thompson thing).  I live in Australia, my favourite thing is WWE and Rugby League.  I am currently studying multimedia at Griffith Unversity on the Gold Coast in Australia.

Hope this has helped your great website.

Hi there Ben,

Ben Thompson (UK) here emailing to, sadly, inform you that your claim of being the hottest BT can no longer hold water as my wife and many ex-lovers have testified to the fact that there can be no one hotter than myself.

Modesty prohibits me sending a recent snap (as you would truly realise your reign is over) but for your records I do enclose a picture of myself taken at a more tender age. The potential for handsome greatness is clearly visible.

Should you be able to swallow pride and acknowledge my victory online, for your website my details are as follows:  Born 1975 in Manchester, UK, lived 3 productive years in Delaware, currently teaching Math(s) in Leeds with my stunning supermodel wife Carmel and our two show-winning cats. Ê Though being a family of such outstanding beauty has its drawbacks, we try to live a humble existence, only appearing on the in fashion magazines if it's for charity.

Good luck with maintaining the mantle of world's second hottest BT.

Yours with admiration and slight pity
Benjamin Guy Thompson

Here are three more emails that I particularly got a kick out of, but that fall into no particular category:

Ben - if in fact that is your name - you truly ARE amazing.  I just happened upon your site by accident since I was totally bored at work and did a Google search for "stupid sites" and your site popped up but it's not really stupid;  it's very entertaining.  It's funny, you're probably in college or something and here I am 49 years old, twice divorced praying that I don't get married again but I know I probably will, sitting behind a desk doing my boring job yet we share so many things in common.  I mean you hate Bobby Flay - I even hate the people that you hate - too cool.  Must be a "guy" thing, ya think?  I just hope you have a great life and I hope the fuck you aren't a republican since I'd hate to have you waste your brilliant mind on that politically corrupt slime party.

I just wanted to say thanks for actually making me NEARLY laugh out loud at my desk ... hey, I want to "hook up" with your evil female correspondant, "Hot Andrea"!  See what you can work out, OK???  - wicked women turn me on!!!  Heck I married two of them!!!

Good luck,
Love your work...

Later, Dave Y.
Trapped in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio...

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Ben,

I came across your stupid website when I was looking up stupid "riders" of celebrities.  You know the stupid shit that they "have to have" in their dressing rooms before they comit to performing somewhere.

Your website is stupid but I think it is funny.  I am trying to learn some of your east coast "terms" for people, places and things, like "Fucktard" and "Ass-Clowns" in order to bring "something new" to the family table at Thanksgiving.

Here in Northern Idaho, you just don't hear terms like that.  "Fucking Idiot", and just plain "Idiot" seems to be the norm.  The terms you guys use have so much more "color" to them.

Also, I thought BLT's story on Oklahoma was incredibly funny, Hot Andrea writing about the skanks was funny, and by the way does she happen to be a thief?  she bears a striking resemblance to Winona Rider.

Anyhow just wanted to write and let you know someone in Idaho reads your web.

See ya,

Jill

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Hello,
I just stumbled upon your article, which was quite humorous by the way, and I just wanted to add that one thing I like to do on my last day is steal the mouse balls from the old mouses of my coworkers, or put electric tape on the bottom of laser mouses.  It's pretty funny watching people freak out and check everything BUT the mouse it self.  Thank you for your time, please don't think I'm a loser.
Jake

Well that's all for today, folks.  Thank you for all of your emails.  Hearing from people is one of the best parts of running this site, even if I never write back.