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Update 3 May 2006 by 2006 My Stupid Bracket NCAA Tournament Pool Undisputed Champion Sexx
Last Week:
The American League. The most difficult part of this, part 2, is
that I don’t have a picture of anyone from the NL looking perplexed in front of
a cornfield—not even Sidney Ponson.
Do
Your Patriotic Duty: VOTE
Bonus
Baseball: As a complimentary extra service, we present
this week a scouting report for the 2005 National Champion Runners-Up Florida Fightin’ Baseball Gators!
Florida Gators
2005: 48-23, SEC Champions
2006 Prediction: Holy Crapoly
Pitching: They
can’t fuckin’ pitch.
Hitting: They
can’t fuckin’ hit.
Fielding: They
can’t fuckin’ field
or throw.
Butt Sucking: A
definite strength.
Fan Base: Smokin’.
The National League East
Welcome to
1.
2005: 83-79, 4th in NL East
2006 Prediction: 95-67, NL
East Champion
Pitching: Tom Glavine is
off to a blazing start, which probably has more to do with the fact that the
Mets traded his righthanded identical twin Kris
Benson to the Orioles than anything else.
Just getting rid of Kristen (that’s his name) should help the Mets
decrease the number of games in which they start a bad pitcher, depending on
how many of those starts are picked up by LIMATIME. As a bonus, the Mets managed to land the perfectly spherical Jorge Julio
to help shore up the bullpen—he’s been a total crapbox in
Pedro
Martinez is so goddamned good that he gets his own paragraph.
If I had
to choose just one pitcher to win one game with my very life on the line, Pedro
is hands down my man. It’s not even
close. In this era of shitty, shitty, shitty pitching,
we are lucky enough to have three phenomenal hurlers to watch: Greg Maddux, Roger Clemens, and Pedro. However you rank the three in terms of total
accomplishment, I don’t think that there’s any question that the greatest peak
belongs to
Plus, he
has a midget.
Hitting: This
should be a stellar hitting team with Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado, Carlos
“Cliff” Floyd, and David “Carlos” Wright in the middle of the order. Xavier Nady is pounding the ball too, and
he’ll need to, because he’s going to give up a boatload of runs with his D in
right field. Jose Reyes may or may not
ever develop plate discipline, but he’s only 22. If he can get his OBP anywhere near .350 this year or next, with
his speed and defense, he’ll be very valuable.
I imagine that Omar Minaya has already done feasibility testing on
having Kaz Matsui murdered or run over by a bus so that insurance will pick up
his contract, so I won’t suggest that course of action here. Endy Chavez is an offensive black hole and
his continued employment at the major league level is very mysterious. Here’s a fun game: David Wright. Every time
you say his name, ten Mets fans have an orgasm. Try it. David
Wright. David Wright. Stock in BVD, Inc. is skyrocketing right
now.
omg he’s like the
love child of Mike Schmidt and Brooks Robinson swoooooon
2.
2005: 90-72, NL East
Champion, lost to
2006 Prediction: 93-69, 2nd
in NL East, Wild Card
Back in
2004, Marcus Giles was chasing a short fly ball when he slammed into Andruw
Jones, breaking his collarbone and giving himself a concussion. When he wobbled up to his feet, the camera
trained on his face. Holy crap, I
thought, he’s been knocked cross-eyed!
I later came to realize that this was
like saying “holy crap, that collision knocked David Wells fat.” I was so naïve.
Pitching:
I think this is the year that the Braves lose the NL East. It has to happen sometime. The pitching really just isn’t there the way
it has been in the past, especially in the bullpen. Chris Reitsma is the closer these days and he’s going to count on
such luminaries as Pete Moylan and Lance Cormier to get the ball to him, not to
mention Mike Remlinger, who is so washed up, he could sit down and eat his
dinner right now. Both the bullpen and
the rotation have bowling shoe potential.
The Braves have always managed to pry inexplicably good years out of
shitty pitchers (Jaret Wright, Kerry Ligtenberg, Damian Moss, Will Cunnane for
god’s sake Will CUNNANE) and they’re definitely going to have to do it again to
hang with the Mets, but I don’t see it happening this time. Leo Mazzone is an Oriole now, the poor
bastard, and I foresee that his departure will mean the end of the Braves’ uncanny pitching success. The front of the rotation with John Smoltz,
Tim Hudson, and John Thomson should still be pretty good but Kyle Davies
(youth, shittiness), Horacio Ramirez (health), and Jorge Sosa (wild
inconsistency, wild hair) all appear to be question marks.
Hitting: Early
indications seem to be that last year was not a fluke and that Andruw Jones has
really broken out. I think he’ll have
the offensive career that Darryl Strawberry should have—a career line of
something like .265 / .355 / .545 with about 450-475 jacks and a couple hundred
steals. That plus his defense and he’s
a Hall of Famer (barring injury, of course).
He already has 300 homers. I’m
not sure about the rest of the lineup.
If Chipper comes back healthy, he should be solid again. He’s got a few good years and a few good
Hooters flings left in him. Jeff
Francoeur is a very good defender and a decent bat but grossly, grossly
overrated, which I realize is easy to say now, since he’s hitting under .200 at
this point, but I don’t think this was hard to see coming. He doesn’t take a walk, which isn’t
necessarily fatal, but I don’t see that he has the offensive skillset to
overcome a lack of plate patience. He’s
not Yogi Berra or Vlad Guerrero over here.
If you work off the plate, he can’t hit. At this point, there is almost zero reason to throw anything to
him on the inside half. He needs some
development and AAA might be the place for it, but I’d be shocked if he swallowed
his pride and took a minors assignment.
After all, he’s THE
NATURAL! Nice call, SI.
I think
Edgar Renteria rebounds substantially this year, and the Braves will need it,
because there are some rough patches in that lineup. Brian Jordan, Pete Orr, Todd Pratt, Kelly Johnson, and Wilson
Betemit all figure to get a substantial number of at-bats. The Braves need a lot of out Renteria, Ryan
Langerhans, and Adam LaRoche to back up Andruw. I think the Braves hang around all year with good numbers out of
Langerhans (I like that guy and his beautiful long hands) and Renteria and pick
up an outfield bat at the deadline (candidates: Austin Kearns, Aubrey Huff, Torii Hunter, Ryan Klesko—wouldn’t
that be funny) that helps them make a run to the wild card.
Separated at birth
3.
2005: 88-74, 2nd in NL East
2006 Prediction: 84-78, 3rd
in NL East
I’m not going
to post it here because this is a fuckin’ family site, but head on over to your
google and plug Pat Burrell into the image search and check out the first
picture that comes up (I won’t ruin it for you with a hyperlink). That’s mildly disturbing. And what the crap is this? Or this? Pat the Bat: underachieving slugger by day, homoerotic weightlifting fry cook
slash cake artisan by night.
Pitching: You have to hand it to Brett Myers: he has some of the most impressive
eyebrows in sport. Those bad boys
are out of control. He can also pitch a
little and figures to be the ace of a fairly shaky staff. Randy Wolf is out for the year with TJ
surgery so Jon Lieber is probably the 2 and shitty Cory Lidle is the 3. The 4 and 5 for the moment appear to be
Gavin Floyd and Ryan Madson, both of whom are big question marks. Floyd got absolutely rocked in four starts
last year so he’s got some work to do, and let’s face it: it’s hard enough to succeed as an athlete
with the name Gavin. Madson looks like
he could be good, but he’s going to have to adjust from being a short reliever
(a successful one) the last two years to being a starter this year. There has to be a big difference in the
effects of fatigue when you reach September with 175 innings in 25 games under
your belt instead of 70 innings over 65 games, and he’s never had the former at
the big league level. Flash Gordon is
the new closer and has been dominant so far this year, averaging more than a
strikeout and a half per inning. He’s a
lot of fun to watch when he’s working that big curveball. Arthur Rhodes is the only reliable middle
relief guy I see on this roster.
Hitting: I love Ryan
Howard and I love this phone
interview with him.
CP: In 1969, the Phillies
suspended [Richie] Allen for 26 days. He returned to hostile hometown fans who
pelted him with fruit, ice, garbage and batteries in addition to obscenities
and racial epithets.
RH: Can we hold on just one
second? I’m gonna order some food real quick and then I’m gonna kill that
answer.
CP: Sure.
RH: [To the attendant at the
drive-in window.] Can I get some large fries, crispy. And can I get two bacon,
beef and cheddar sandwiches. Um … and some Minute Maid lemonade.
That is
bad ass. Ryan should be good for 35-40
jacks for the next ten years. He’ll
probably strike out a lot (100 times last year in 312 at-bats) but he’s allowed
if he hits as well as he appears to be able to. The Phils picked up Alex S. Gonzalez (the S. stands for pops out
to Short) as a left-side-of-the-infield backup, which is about the maximum
amount of responsibility you want to give to the out producing machine who
actually cost
the Cubs the 2003 playoffs. I hate
you forever, Alex.
Sal Fasano
may be the hottest man in baseball.
Even that picture doesn’t do him justice—this year, Sal is coming with
the full-on 1979 Pete
Vuckovich / Gorman
Thomas / Thurman
Munson look (curly Soul-Glo mullet, wicked muttonchops, and a giant Fu
Manchu) and it is dynamite. Baseball players have never looked better than they did from about 1976 to 1981 and they never
will again. God bless Sally boy for
bringing that look back. Obviously
picking up Fasano as a free agent this off-season was a rock solid call. As for the rest of the Phils, they’ll win a
few more games than they’ll lose but will miss the playoffs and won’t even be
remotely compelling. You know, like
every other year.
Straight pimpin’
Jimmy Rollins
4.
2005: 81-81, 5th in NL East
2006 Prediction: 71-91, 4th
in NL East
The Nats overachieved
substantially last year. They were the
worst offensive team in baseball and scored about 40 fewer runs than they
allowed, but still managed to stay in a pennant race until the last six weeks
or so of the season. In the first half,
they had some highly improbable record in games decided by one run (something
like 15-5) and I imagine that was a confidence booster that helped this team
play over their collective head. Their
.500 record last year was substantially over-inflated and I think they drop to
71 wins this year even though the team talent is substantively the same as last
year.
Pitching: He shall be Livan Hernandez is very underrated as a
starter. He’s a lock for 225-250
above-average innings and 150 strikeouts year after year, and as a bonus he’s
one of the best hitting pitchers in the league. Furthermore, he will knock
your face in with a golf club if you fuck with him, and you can’t put a
price on that. John Patterson quietly
had a very, very good year last year and I think he’s breaking out as a very
solid #2 starter. If Tony Armas, Jr.
could pitch like his Dad could hit, he’d be a pretty good starter, but he
can’t. His next winning season will be
his first. The trick with Tony appears
to be to let him pitch no more than five games a season. In seasons when he pitches five games or
fewer, he has an ERA of 2.43. When he
pitches more than five, he’s at 4.42.
So far this season he has five starts and is at 2.76, so I think it’s
pretty clear that the Nats should waste no time in clubbing him into
unconsciousness. There are some craps
in this bullpen (I’m looking at you, Stanton) but the team should be able to
wring good innings out of Luis Ayala, Felix Rodriguez, and Chad Cordero. Then there is Gary Majewski, who represented
the
Hitting:
This team shoots blanks. Don’t
ask me how I know; I’m a scientist. In
Christian Guzman, Marlon Anderson, Royce Clayton, and Damian Jackson, the Nats
have an impressive collection of totally useless infielders. None of those bitches can hit. If Jose Vidro is (finally) healthy, I look
for him to have a solid year .300 year with forty doubles. If he’s not, this should be a solid
contender for worst middle infield in the majors. I’m not sure what the point is of having both Robert Fick and
Matt LeCroy on the same roster, since they’re essentially the same player. Jose Guillen is a borderline crazy person
and when he’s inevitably suspended, his replacement is Marlon Byrd—that’s
right, the Nats have BOTH of the terrible Marlons.
Oh MAN
does Alfonso Soriano suck. Dude can NOT
hit a breaking ball. At all. Why righties throw him anything but sliders
in the dirt is a total mystery. As
mentioned in last week’s
Suh-wing Battah
A movie by me about
Alfonso Soriano
5.
2005: 83-79, 3rd in NL East
2006 Prediction: 63-99, 5th
in NL East
Until last
year, the Marlins had a remarkable 1:1 ratio of world championships to winning
seasons. I predict no increases on
either side of the colon this year.
Pitching: The Fish have a whopping five former Cubs on their
pitching staff (Dontrelle Willis, Sergio Mitre, Ricky Nolasco, Todd Wellemeyer,
Joe Borowski) and two more at AAA (Renyel Pinto, Jimmy Anderson) which is
horrendous, akin to starting your football team with eight former Gator
quarterbacks. Expect this team to give
up somewhere in the neighborhood of eight botrillion runs this year,
particularly if they’re serious about Mitre being a full-time starter. Joe Borowski might end up being a solid
closer, but I imagine his opportunities will be few and far between. In the last couple of years I’ve started to
worry that Jobo might be a robot. He has this really weird ridging on the
biceps side of his upper pitching arm that you can see when he flexes it at the
elbow. This is the best
picture I can find, but you can only barely see it under his sleeve. Check it out sometime if you have the
misfortune of viewing Marlins baseball on television. It’s really weird. At
this time I can neither confirm nor deny that he steals old peoples’ medicine
for fuel.
Hitting: I
guess this is the least of the Marlins’ problems, but Miguel Cabrera’s
waistline seems to be rapidly expanding—check him out in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005,
and 2006. Since he represents roughly 80% of the
we’re excited to
announce that we have traded Dontrelle Willis for these two human children
who
will be our new #2 starter and leftfielder
The National League
Central
Where Aaron Harang Is A #1 Starter. No, Really.
1.
2005: 100-62, NL Central
Champion, Lost to
2006 Prediction: 102-60, NL
Central Champion
This
is the reason that these video hosting sites like Google Video and YouTube
are so awesome. I could watch Albert
annihilate that ball over and over again.
Holy crap. That thing was headed
for outer space if the wall hadn’t been in the way.
Pitching: The Cards could have a very
solid rotation here with Chris Carpenter, Mark Mulder, Jason Marquis, Jeff
Suppan, and somebody not named Sidney Ponson.
However, it appears the are going to let Sir Sidney have that spot in
the rotation, so I’m downgrading them to 4/5 solid, 1/5 semi-solid frozen
margarita. Get it? HE’S A DRUNK. I guess Ricardo Rincon is the new Ray King here, so I hope he
likes 1/3 inning appearances. Braden
Looper gets a lot of shit but I think he’ll be very good in
Hitting: Yadier Molina looks like a goblin
and has a Nick Green-esque .152 / .160 / .190 line on the year as of this
writing but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he’ll improve on that
(the stats, not the face) over the course of the season. If Scott Rolen is healthy and hitting
between Pujols and Jim Edmonds, this team is going to score a boatload. Albert is straight preposterous. One of these days the public at large is
going to realize that he’s kind of a dick (did nobody else read those articles
a couple of years back when he basically said “fuck St. Louis and the hometown discount,
give me my goddamned money”?) but he is so damned good and the bar for the
asshole slugger has been set so high by Bonds and Albert Belle (among others)
that it may not matter. Edmonds appears
to have delusions of helicoptery when he’s at the plate and swings at the neckball all the time, but
hits it enough to get by. He also has one of the biggest
tongues I’ve ever seen. Holy
cow. This is the kind of analysis you
only get on AmazingBen.com. Juan
Encarnacion replacing Reggie Sanders in right appears to be a totally lateral
move. I could watch David Eckstein
stand in the on-deck circle windmilling
his bat around for hours. He’s so
precious.
Oh, by the way, these guys are going to win the
whole thing.
fat drunk and stupid
is no way to go through life, son
2. Chicago Cubs
2005: 79-83, 4th in NL
Central
2006 Prediction: 84-78, 2nd
in NL Central
I don’t even know where to start with this damn team. First of all, before you get the wrong idea,
I want to make it clear that the only reason I think this bunch finishes as
high as second is because C occurs in the alphabet before H and M. I’m picking a three-way tie because frankly
I don’t think any of these teams is particularly good but god knows they’re not
bad enough to hang with Cincy or
Pitching: The bullpen is worlds better with the additions of Scott Eyre and Bob Howry and Ryan Dempster settling in as a shockingly dependable closer. That’s the good news. This really has the potential to be one of the better bullpens in baseball, particularly if Scott Williamson finds himself and if Glendon Rusch is moved back into the lefty swingman/middle relief role instead of starting, which he doesn’t do well at all. In a video game, this team would probably win 95 behind a rotation of Carlos Zambrano, Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Greg Maddux, and Wade Miller. In reality, 15 quality starts total out of Wood and Miller will be a minor miracle. Unlike Wood’s injuries, which all seem to be related to mechanical flaws, Prior seems to have a large element of bad luck in his DL trips. I hope that he shakes that out, because it will be a loss for baseball if he never returns to 2003 form, when he was spectacular.
Greg Maddux is the best pitcher of our era (that’s the
post-Carlton, post-Seaver era, though I think he ranks well above
Hitting: Nobody in the majors grabs his nuts more during the game than Neifi Perez—nobody. I’m astonished that I can’t find a picture or video of him doing so on the internets, but if you watch any Cubs baseball, you know what I’m talking about. This team’s offense could be pretty damned anemic if they don’t get some breaks and some breakouts. Losing Derrek Lee is absolutely devastating for this team. He had a mindbogglingly good year last year and that was with a far, far weaker top of the order hitting ahead of him—specifically, a whole lot of Neifi and Corey Patterson. Now he’s out for the next 8-10 weeks and if the Cubs have any chance of surviving that, they need Aramis Ramirez to really pick up the slack in the middle of the order. Naturally, he’s hitting south of .200. Before Lee went down, I was starting to feel positive about this team. The offense seemed like it would be better—Jacques Jones for Jeromy Burnitz is at best a wash, but Ronny Cedeno and Matt Murton appear to be legit and Juan Pierre is clearly an upgrade over Corey fucking Patterson—and the pitching should be a bit better as indicated above. Now, I just don’t know. If the Cubs can pull a rabbit out of the hat and get a legitimate replacement at first base, and if Aramis extracts his head from his ass, and if Jacque Jones stops being a bitch, and if Juan Pierre remembers how to hit, and if Freddie Bynum is limited primarily to pinch-running and never standing at the plate, they could survive this and actually contend. If it’s two months of Neifi 2B / Todd Walker 1B or Walker 2B / John Mabry 1B, and that other stuff doesn’t work out, they’re 70-wins fooked. I’m splitting the difference. There are no jokes in this section because this team is seriously goddamned depressing. But wait until you see the next picture!
Dusty caught you
a delicious bass
3. Houston Astros
2005: 89-73, 2nd in NL Central,
Wild Card, Lost to Chicago in World Series
2006 Prediction: 84-78, 3rd
in NL Central
So let me get this straight, because I’d hate to
call Roger Clemens a self-absorbed greedy cockweasel without the facts. In 2003, Roger soaked in the adulation as he
made his “retirement tour” through the
Fast-forward one year to 2005. Roger, ever the team player, asks for twenty-two million dollars in
arbitration, the most any pitcher had ever requested in the history of the
game. The Astros, hamstrung by Roger’s
request, signed him for 18 million, making him the highest paid pitcher ever,
and as a direct result were unable to seriously pursue resigning Carlos Beltran
or really make any other impact in free agency. Somewhat unexpectedly after a slow start, they made the playoffs
anyway and even reached the World Series, where they were swept by the White
Sox. So what did he do this year, with
his team on the threshold of developing a world champion, returning most of the
roster, with things looking up? He held
out again, this time claiming that he was contemplating retirement, but never
actually retiring, meaning that once again the Astros held up money for this
greedy dickbrain instead of improving a very good team and making it a great
one. Now it’s May and he still hasn’t
made up his goddamned mind. What a
colossal asshole. Yes, he had a great
year last year, but is there any reason to believe that he’d have pitched worse
if he’d signed earlier or for less?
Well, possibly yes on the latter because he’s a blackhearted scoundrel,
but not really on the former. And isn’t
it possible the Astros might have been better with, say, a competent offensive
shortstop? Or a majors-ready arm
instead of Ezquiel Astacio? Or a better
bat off the bench than Eric Bruntlett?
I think this is the year that Roger’s schmuckery
really hurts the Astros, and if there is any justice in this world, Roger will
be vilified for it. God, I hope.
Pitching: The rotation, for the moment,
goes something like Roy Oswalt / Andy Pettitte / Wandy Rodriguez / Taylor
Buchholz / Fernando Nieve. Mild
drop-off there between the 2 and the 3.
Brandon Backe is hurt and will improve the staff when he returns, but
he’s no savior. The Astros need an arm,
and Roger would be nice, but he’s a cocksucker, as I might have intimated
above. He either needs to hurry the
fuck up and sign or the Astros need to look elsewhere if they want to contend
this year. The bullpen is decent but
not great, and Brad Lidge has NOT been good so far (except for a high strikeout
rate). Relief pitchers need to be
mentally tough, but you have to wonder if giving up that blast to Pujols in the
NLCS and then the Geoff Blum jack in the series is in his head a little
bit. If I were an Astros fan, I’d be a
little bit worried.
Hitting: Willy Taveras is a fast mofo but
he’s rotten at getting on base and has no pop at all. I think he’s Freddie Patek or Frank Taveras (no relation) and
that’s about it. Except he’s a
centerfielder and they were shortstops.
Sue me, I can’t think of a centerfield counterpart. Somebody slappy with no on-base skills, no
power, and a good glove. I’m done
talking about this guy. The Astros have
a nice middle of the lineup with Lance Berkman, Preston Wilson, and Morgan
Ensberg. I’m going to miss Jeff
Bagwell. He was a hell of a hitter and,
by all accounts, a good guy too. The
Astros were total cockheads in the way they dealt with him this off-season, so
maybe the entire Clemens situation is pre-emptive karma. I don’t know. Let’s see, what else.
Adam Everett still can’t hit.
That’s all I got.
4. Milwaukee Brewers
2005: 81-81, 3rd in NL
Central
2006 Prediction: 84-78, 4th in
NL Central
It is
CRIMINAL that this franchise got rid of the ball-in-glove-with-subtle-m-and-b logo. Whomever made that decision should burn in
hell.
Pitching: Derrick
Turnbow is one seriously goofy-looking mofo. I’m pretty sure I remember that he was caught on steroids a few
years ago in
Hitting: There
are some young studs on this team in Rickie Weeks, J.J. Hardy, and Prince
Fielder. I expect Prince to knock a
good 25-30 this year if he’s full-time at first, and that appears to be the plan. He should be rookie of the year easily. Bill Hall is pretty good, but I just can’t
help but think he’d be better if he went by Billy. Billy Hall just sounds more like a baseball name than Bill. I think if he made the switch, he’d add a
good twenty points to his batting average immediately. The same goes for John Gall of the
Cardinals. Opposing pitchers think “oh,
no big deal, it’s just John Gall” but if he went to Johnny, that would change
to “oh, shit, it’s Johnny Gall, better walk him and pitch to Pujols.” Mark my words.
This team
is a sexy pick for the playoffs but I think they’re a year away.
Nobody brings
more phallic imagery to the game than the Brewers— nobody.
5. Cincinnati Reds
2005: 73-89, 5th in NL
Central
2006 Prediction: 71-91, 5th
in NL Central
These guys want
SO BADLY to be a last place team: their
pitching is ungodly horrible, they strike out a ton, the outfield defense is an
absolute joke, and they do stupid things like challenging
Kyle Farnsworth to fisticuffs. But the Pirates have an unbreakable death
grip on sixth. You kind of have to feel
for the Reds. One of these days they’ll
stop sucking balls (not anytime soon, though) and it will make for much better
Baseball Tonight puff pieces if they were “perennial cellar dwellers” or
“Central bottom-feeders” instead of “moderately talented shits who could
neither lose nor win enough games to be truly remarkable.”
Pitching:
See
for yourself. It’s a train wreck.
Hitting: Adam Dunn hits the ball about as hard as
anyone in the bigs right now, but he’s going to need to drive in about 150 to
make up for the runs he’s going to allow with his atrocious play in left
field. Holy CRAP. Dunn is the worst outfield defender in the
league, bar none. I imagine Reds fans
cringe a little bit every time a hitter lifts one to his side of the
field. Then you have Griffey’s rapidly
deteriorating range in center (who had April 17 in the pool, anyway?)
and Sloth Kearns in right and you have the
potential for untold butchery. Brandon
Phillips is fooling
that’s a fascinating titties, Lisa… I mean, that’s a
titties question…uh…fascinating question,
funbags meatpuppets sweaterlumps
tittytittytittytitty, er, Lisa
6. Pittsburgh Pirates
2005: 67-95, 6th in NL
Central
2006 Prediction: 60-102, 6th
in NL Central
I love the fact
that the two most indelible images of the Pirates over the last several
years—pretty much since the halcyon days of Bobby Bonilla and Doug Drabek—are
Randall Simon bopping
an anthropomorphized sausage with a bat and Lloyd McClendon stealing a base off
the field.
Pitching:
Um. At least they’re young. The rotation of Zach Duke, Oliver Perez,
Paul Maholm, Ian Snell, and Victor Santos currently boasts an era of 6.01. I have faith, though, that these guys will
get it together and put together a combined year better than the Reds’ starters
which will give the Buccos all-important second-shittiest-NL-central-rotation
bragging rights. Don’t pretend like you
care about the Pirates’ bullpen.
Hitting:
This is definitely a
last-place lineup to go along with the bottom-feeding pitching staff. We could see some epic strikeout numbers if
Jose Hernandez, Jeromy Burnitz, and Craig Wilson stay in the heart of this
lineup all year. I tried to find a
reason not to start Hernandez
in this lineup but, with Sean Casey out for a while, I really don’t see that
the Bucs have any better option.
They’re that bad: he’s pretty
much the fourth-best hitter on this team right now. After those three guys and
I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty
and witty and
The National League West
Here There Be Shitty Baseball
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
2005: 71-91, 4th in NL West
2006 Prediction: 91-71, NL
West Champion
I expect this division to scrumble itself up nicely
this year and for the Dodgers, the only team in the West to have made visible
effort to improve in the off-season, to win the thing going away. A twenty-game turnaround should be enough to
win Grady Little manager of the year, which will cause legions of Red Sox fans’
heads to explode, but I don’t think he’s that bad a manager. Oh, who am I kidding. He is that bad. I’m just trying to piss off the odd Sox fan who came to the site
this week but not last week. This is a
plum job for ol’ Grady, inheriting a team that is by far the most talented in
its division and which underachieved last year. If he can just stand
there and not be a total dumbass,
this team should win a lot of games and make him look like a genius. I just wish this club had hired Orel
Hershiser instead. Sexx 
Pitching: This has the potential to be the
best rotation in the division, which isn’t saying that much. Brad Penny, Derek Lowe, and Odalis Perez are
all pretty good, Jae Seo is decent, and Brett Tomko is…consulting the thesaurus
for a version of “horrible” I haven’t used yet..ooh, here’s a good one:
execrable. Brett Tomko is really not a
good pitcher. Teams continue to give
him a shot, and I guess he eats innings, but that’s all. He’s thoroughly execrable.
I think these guys got kinda fleeced by the Devil
Rays when they gave up Edwin Jackson and Chuck Tiffany for Danys Baez and Lance
Carter. We can dispense with Carter
immediately; he’s trash and I think most Devil Rays fans snickered when the
Dodger FO announced that they had acquired “two former all-stars” which is
technically true, but only because Liggity Lance was having a
not-totally-horrid season at the all-star break of 2003 and the Rays had to
send SOMEBODY. Lance will blow and, now
that I check
his stats, is off to a flying start in that department. Baez is good but pretty substantially
overvalued at the moment. I guess the
Dodgers need him now that Gagne appears to be done (I mean career-wise done),
so maybe it was just a good trade that helped both teams. Huh.
It seems my hate has been blunted.
Hitting: This is Sandy Alomar, Jr.’s
nineteenth season in the league. His
first at-bat came in 1988. For a
catcher, that’s ludicrous to stay healthy that long. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it’s a comparable
achievement to J.D. Drew staying healthy for the first 23 games of this
season. By the time this thing goes up,
the Dodgers will have played more than 23, but I’m making no assumptions. The Dodgers have two centerfielders from the
same city (
Who’s the head bull goose loony around here?
2.
2005: 75-87, 3rd in NL West
2006 Prediction: 83-79, 2nd
in NL West
This team is ooooooooooooooooooooooold. No fewer than seven guys on the active
roster are 38 or older, and on days when Randy Winn sits, the outfield of
Bonds, Steve Finley, and Moises Alou is a combined 121. They’re still more talented than the teams
behind them in the West, but there is definite potential here for catastrophe
since these guys are so close to the edge.
They could win 85 or they could be last in the division.
Pitching: I like the pitching here
overall—a rotation of Jason Schmidt, Matt Morris, Matt Cain, Noah Lowry, and
Brad Hennessey should be
pretty good, though there is a lot of reliance on young unproven guys
here. I like Schmidt a lot. I was watching him pitch against the Cubs a
few years ago and they had a microphone close enough to the plate that you
could actually hear his fastballs coming in—they had this little buzz that was
audible in the broadcast. That is
nuts. It remains to be seen whether
Steve Kline has recovered from the case of phallocraniitis
that plagued him throughout his 2005 in Baltimore, but he is a good lefty short
guy (when he actually tries) and pairs well with Todd (Tim? I can’t even remember) Worrell to set up
Armando Benitez. The challenge for
Benitez, of course, will be to try to get through a season without cracking his
girlfriend in the nog every time he has a bad outing, but it could be tough as
he just loves her so darn much.
Hitting: The Giants have been telling us
since about 2002 that Pedro Feliz is on the verge of breaking out as a star,
that guy who could protect Bonds in the lineup and and be solid at three
positions. Let me know when Pedro plans
on getting around to that. This team is
going to rely on excellent pinch-hitter, lousy full-timer Mark Sweeney as the
everyday first baseman until Lance Niekro comes back. I know a team who tried a similar
strategy and it didn’t work then
either. Moises Alou pees on his hands. Jose Vizcaino was a good pickup for this team. You can play him a couple of times a week at
four different positions and he adds a solid bat to the lineup, or he can
pinch-hit in a lot of situations because he’s a switch hitter. He’s like the baseball equivalent of Ro-Tel. Mike Matheny is a rally-killer at the bat
but with the young pitching, the Giants can use his defense and handling of the
kids.
One of the side-effects of the whole Bonds thing is
this re-glorification of Babe Ruth. The
Babe was a great player, but he was also a drunk, a serially unfaithful
husband, and a lousy father. He
frequently argued with (and once punched out) an umpire, fought with fans, and
was suspended repeatedly for basically being a dickface. He was like Albert Belle beta. I love the game of baseball and its history,
but I don’t think it’s the end of the world if Bonds passes Ruth on the home
run list. History will judge Barry very
harshly (and don’t get me wrong, I don’t equate Ruth’s malfeasances with
Bonds’), and he’s not getting to Aaron in any case. His body is crumbling.
The game will be better off when he just goes away and I hope that’s
this year. It would be most delicious
to see him retire around the all-star break, hitting around .200, and with 713,
but that’s looking increasingly unlikely.
I’m just very grateful it’s not 755 that he’s threatening.
Seriously, Barry, this is getting out of hand
3.
2005: 67-95, 5th in NL West
2006 Prediction: 80-82, 3rd
in NL West
I wanted to pick the
Pitching: I have sorta kinda high hopes
for this rotation. Jason Jennings is
decent, I like Jeff Francis a lot, and Aaron Cook had a nice year last
year. Josh Fogg is thoroughly middling,
but at least he’s typically middling for a lot of innings. I guess the rest of the rotation is the flying
Kim brothers, with hopefully a lot more Sun-Woo than Byung-Hyun. Poor BK.
He’s not a bad pitcher; he just invariably pitches really
really
really
badly when it actually matters. Is that
such a crime? This bullpen really isn’t
too shabby. Jose Mesa (dope
on the floor and magic on the mic) needs to be put out to pasture with a
quickness, but Mike DeJean, Brian Fuentes, Ray King, and Scott Dohmann aren’t
bad.
Hitting: Todd Helton missing any significant
amount of time is pretty killer for this team, but Ryan Shealy should pick up
some of the slack at first. This team
has a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of who can hit a little (Cory Sullivan,
Matt Holliday, Brad Hawpe, Garrett Atkins) and Choo Coleman, who has an outside
chance to be the best player named Choo ever, edging
out Choo Choo
Coleman, Shin-Soo
Choo, and Mike
“Super Choo” Epstein. This offense
is sort of like the Indians and Brewers lineups of a couple of years ago—full
of guys who will blossom with a little PT but aren’t anything to get excited
about quite yet. They really need
Helton and, in truth, another big bat in the middle of the lineup. I think if they can keep this lineup intact
and then flip Shealy and prospects next year for someone to come in and play
the Dante Bichette / Vinny Castilla role, they could contend next year. But not this year.
is that Ben’s brother?
4.
2005: 77-85, 2nd in NL West
2006 Prediction: 76-86, 4th
in NL West
In 2001 the Yankees met the D-Backs in the World
Series with the sports world rallying behind the Yankees, who were being
portrayed as our national symbol in the nascent war against terror. I’ll always be grateful to the Snakes
for kicking that ridiculous notion in the balls and winning the series. The Yankees are not
Pitching: The Diamondbacks’ rotation was
lousy last year and should be even worse this year. Javier Vazquez is gone (which is bad) and so is Shawn Estes (which is
good) and so is Brad Halsey (which is indifferent). Furthermore, the frogurt is cursed and Russ Ortiz, who was never
particularly good to begin with but had the fortune of playing on very good
teams, is in steep decline. Miguel
Batista rejoins the rotation because apparently Joe Garagiola Jr. is the only
GM on the planet who doesn’t realize that Miggy B hasn’t been an effective
starter in three years. The only
positive on the starting staff is Brandon Webb, who is really REALLY good and I
hope he gets to play on a winning team one of these days. His starts are things of beauty, with hitter
after hitter pounding the ball right into the dirt. In the pen, Juan Cruz has managed to convince yet another GM that
he can actually use his stuff and be an effective pitcher, but he won’t. Casey Daigle
is boning Jenny
Finch, so he can just keep on keepin’ on with that 6.88 ERA of his. Beyond those two, the bullpen is actually
pretty good. Brandon Lyon is developing
into a nice closer and Luis Vizcaino and Jose Valverde are both good setup
guys.
Hitting: Last year this team hit a lot of
homers but didn’t score that many runs.
I think the offense is marginally improved but won’t be enough to
overcome the pitching. Tony Clark is a
near-lock to turn back into a pumpkin after his bananas 2005,
but they’re not really relying on him because they have this Conor Jackson kid
beginning to take over at first. Chad
Tracy shifts back to third and I’m not seeing another .300 / 25 jacks year from
him, but he’s decent. Overall, going
from 3B Glaus / 1B ClarkTracy to 3B
now is the time on sprockets when we dance
5.
2005: 82-80, NL West
Champion, Lost to
2006 Prediction: 72-90, 5th
in NL West
I love the Swinging
Friar, but I have to think that more than any other mascot he must scare
the bejesus out of children. He’s kind of grotesque.
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Pitching: It’s Jake Peavy and pray for
rain except this is
