In my last job I worked as a data-entry guy for a construction company where my sole duty was to type up detailed reports of warranty-related incidents involving projects completed by our company.  First off, consider how mind-numbingly boring that last sentence was.  Then extrapolate that out into a forty-hour-a-day, five-day-a-week vortex of suck and you'll understand why many of my earlier posts were about how much my life and everything around me bit harder than Paris Hilton at a ball-biting convention.  You haven't really lived until you've spent the majority of your day reading a stack of mostly-illegible reports about floor sink drainage clogs and faulty HVAC systems and trying to compile them into something that at would make sense to any human being not named "Bob Vila".

Well towards the end of my tenure at this position I received a very bizarre and entertaining series of reports over the course of about two weeks.  Since I knew I was leaving the company anyway, I decided to break the monotony of my daily routine by having a little bit of fun with the report.  Below you will find my version of the events that unfolded in early January 2004 (as best as I can remember it, at least).

Initial Report:

Administrators at the university report several nut-related incidents in the past few weeks.  Benches installed by our company in October of 2003 were fitted with chrome acorn nut-shaped decorative pieces, which the students have been able to unscrew manually.  Once unscrewed, the nuts are being thrown at other students.

Update 1/6:

Carpenter R. O'Toole dispatched to site to handle nut situation.  O'Toole suggest that nuts should be made hard and securely fastened to nut-holders.  Hard nuts will be more difficult for untrained students to manipulate.  Carpenter could not locate any nuts at site, and had to return without fastening nuts.

Update 1/7:

Administration reports observing several nut-shaped welts on students' faces.  Administrator D. Adams believes that students are "being surprised with nuts to the face when they least expect it" (see attached email).  Nuts have not been located.  It is believed that the students are concealing their nuts and then whipping them out at the last moment.  Administration will investigate the nut situation.

Update 1/9:

Carpenter returned to site to examine nuts.  Attempts to locate were unsuccessful.

Update 1/12:

Administration reports complaints from residents of sorority row who say they that over the weekend they were pelted with nuts all night.  Campus police has been alerted and will be searching students' pockets for nuts.

Update 1/13:

Campus police have been successful in their efforts to seize nuts.  Grounds crew has also located some nuts that were discarded in the university common.  Department has dispatched A. Johnson to examine the collected nuts and size-up the situation.

Update 1/14:

Project Manager A. Johnson performed close examination of the nuts to determine feasibilty of fastening them.  Johnson was able to securely fasten nuts to benches.  Screwing nuts off was difficult once Johnson successfully made them hard.  Using the technique described (see attached email), hand-screwing the nuts off will be virtually impossible for the students.  Carpenters will return to site to secure all available nuts.

Update 1/16:

All students' nuts have been collected and made hard.  Administration is happy with nut firmness and does not believe more students will be pelted by the nuts.  Department considers this issue closed.