With the school year winding down, it is now nearing that magical time of the year when students everywhere go from merely disliking their roommates to open hostility and hiding dead animal parts around the apartment as a sign of impending doom.  Roommates that were simply considered "irritating" or "misunderstood" before are now unlovingly referred to as "fucking assholes" and "the antichrist" and small things such as forgetting to do the dishes becomes grounds for World War III inside your apartment or dorm room.  Want to play your stupid music really loudly?  Well see how much you like it when I shove your stereo system up your ass.  Stuff like that.  You get the picture.

Well once again Amazing Ben is going to come through for his readers.  Drawing from my own experiences, I'm going to provide you with several passive-aggressive pranks to play on your unsuspecting dickhead roommates that are sure to piss them off and cause hours of vindictive enjoyment on your end.

Before we get started though, I will mention that I personally will take no responsibility for whatever happens to you or your roommates as a direct result of these pranks or whatever retaliation you may be subjected to if you do this shit to them.  I'm just giving you the bullets, it's entirely your decision as to whether or not you put them in the gun and fire them.  Also, I have to give credit to J. Catfood, The Admiral and Bill, as many of these pranks were products of their warped evil minds.  That said, here we go.

The Spray Gun Surprise

We'll get this feature started with a pretty simple but effective prank.  All you'll need is a rubber band and a sink that has one of those spray hoses like the one in the picture below.  You know, the ones that when you press the handle down while the sink is on it shoots out water?  Well all you have to do is wrap the rubber band around the "trigger" of the hose and point it outwards towards where someone would be if they were standing infront of the sink.  Then sit back and enjoy the show.  When your roommate next goes to wash his hands or do the dishes or something, the simple act of turning on the sink faucet will result in him getting blasted in the chest or groin with a jet of cold water.  If you want to have a digital camera ready to take a picture of him immediately following it might not be a bad idea either.  You never know when a photo of your roommate looking surprised and sporting a noticeably wet crotch will come in handy.

Vaseline Is Your Friend

I know the title of this section sounds like the name of a bad gay porn or something, but believe me when I say that a healthy amount of Vaseline is a key ingredient when setting up VC-style deathtraps around your apartment.  Now there are few things grosser than reaching for a doorknob and getting a handful of petroleum jelly, especially given that it has the structural consistency of snot, is virtually impossible to wash off with soapy water and slicks the doorknob to the point where you can't even open the door because your hand keeps slipping off the knob.  So if you're trying to really frustrate and piss off your roommate, just Vaseline the shit out of the doorknob leading to his bedroom.

However, Vaseline-ing the door to his room isn't nearly enough.  Sure it's irritating and gross, but to truly drive your roommate insane you need to booby trap your house to the point where the Vaseline trick becomes more than just a minor annoyance.  You want it to be a fucking catastrophe.  You know how Sideshow Bob steps on those rakes and gets hit in the face like fifty times in a row?  You want the hand-to-Vaseline contact to be like that, especially considering that he's going to get even madder every time he falls for it.  Here are some great places to slather that shit so that he'll be cursing your name for all eternity... just remember to leave a tiny space un-coated so that you can use these things without falling victim to your own traps:

• The door to his bedroom
• The front door of your apartment
• The handles on the refrigerator and freezer
• Any screen doors or sliding-glass doors in the apartment
• His keyboard
• The bottom of the remote control
• All of his car doors
• His computer mouse
• The underside of his desk
• The handset of his telephone
• The power button of his computer
• The handles on his desk drawers
• The toilet handle

You get the picture.  Basically, you want him to double-check EVERYTHING for Vaseline before picking up or putting his hand on it.  The best way to go is to get a huge tub of the shit and do the entire house at once while he's at work or class, so he'll just come home and walk straight into his own personal nightmarish hell.

I've found that it's also effective to put it in places where he REALLY won't expect it.  Like if he goes over to his girlfriend's house you can drive out there, find his car in the parking lot and Vaseline all his car doors and maybe even his windshield.  Or go to his office while he's out and Vaseline his telephone at work or something.  Just remember that nothing is sacred.

The Half-Frozen Ice Ball

This is a delicate process developed by The Admiral that takes a little bit of practice to get right, but can have hilarious results.  First off, make a standard water balloon.  You want it to be pretty much as full as you can get it, and if you're particularly creative and/or degrading you can try to shape it like a cock or something.  Then put it in the freezer for a couple of hours.  When you think it's time, take it out and use a pocketknife to cut away the balloon.  If you've left it in the freezer for just the right amount of time only the outsides of the balloon should have frozen, leaving you with a thin layer of ice on the outside and quite a bit of cold-as-shit water inside.  Now the icy outside makes the ball easy to transport, and when thrown at someone (preferably your roommate), even the most minor contact will cause the thin ice shell will crack open, dousing your target with a decent amount of frigid water.  The roommate will feel a sharp stinging pain followed by a rush of all-encompassing cold.

Few things can top the surprise of being nailed in the back of the head with an ice ball while watching TV or walking through your apartment.  It can also be effective to nail your roommate with one as he's heading out to class or work.  Just wait for him to leave the apartment, run out after him and peg him in the head with the ice ball while he's in the parking lot.  It's hours of fun for everyone!

The Alarm Clock Scavenger Hunt

For this diabolical J. Catfood prank you will need to shell out a few bucks.  First off, head to your local electronics store and buy ten to fifteen of those cheap-ass two dollar digital battery-operated alarm clocks.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy;  just any self-powered thing that can be set to make an obnoxious noise at a particular time.  Set the clocks to the current time, and then set the alarm volume to "High".  Then one day while your roommate is out, sneak into his room and set up the scavenger hunt.  Your first step will be to set all of the alarms to go off at different obscene times during the night - 2 AM, 2:45 AM, 3:15AM, 4:02 AM, 4:38AM, 4:59 AM, 5:00 AM, 6:00 AM, etc.  You want the times to be close enough together that it will be nearly impossible for him to get any sleep.  Then hide the clocks in various locations throughout his room - under his bed, in a drawer, in the bottom of his closet, inside a light fixture... you get the idea.  When he comes down the next morning with bloodshot eyes don't forget to ask him what's wrong.

This is extra-effective on nights when you know he's going to have a girl over.  Just don't expect to get your alarm clocks back.

Roping Doors Closed

For this prank you will simply need a nice strong rope.  One night while your roommate is sleeping with his door closed (probably/hopefully with a girl in the room with him), sneak up to the doorknob and tie one end of the rope to it.  Then hitch the other end to something sturdy, such as a bannister rail, a structural support beam or the front doorknob.  Make sure the rope is tight.  In the morning, assuming that you have inward-opening doors in your apartment, your roommate will awaken to discover that he's been hopelessly barricaded inside of his room.  In some cases he may be able to open the door slightly and will then try to untie the knot from the other side, so be sure to Vaseline the shit out of the rope to prevent this from happening.  The prank is considered a success if your roommate is forced to go out his bedroom window to escape the apartment and STILL gets nailed with the Vaseline while trying to untie the rope.

Shower Fun

Your roommate is seldom more vulnerable than when he's in the shower.  This is probably the last place he'll expect a prank to be pulled on him, so of course it's prime real estate for your general prickerry.  Here are two fun/mean tricks to play on your much-hated roommate.

• Befouling the Shampoo:  There are any number of gross things you can put into your roommate's shampoo, conditioner and/or body wash.  I'll really leave it up to your imagination, though I might suggest dumping half a bottle of Nair in there if you're feeling particularly vindictive.  Messing with your roommates' shampoo is a good shower prank if you all have to share the bathroom, because it's one of the few things in there that you don't use yourself.
  
  
• The Sticky Shower:  My personal favorite shower prank is the infamous "Sticky Shower".  For this one, you'll need to get a pouch of that Fun Dip shit that's basically pure powdered sugar.  Simply unscrew the shower head, pour the contents of the Fun Dip into it, screw the now-loaded head back on and make sure you don't shower before your roommates do.  When they turn on the water, it will react with the Fun Dip and your roommate will end up standing in a stream of purple sugar water.  Hilarity is bound to ensue when your roommate gets out and realizes he's even grosser than he was when he went in.  If you can't get your hands on some Fun Dip, you can always substitute powdered Kool-Aid, NesQuick, Pixie Stix, or any of those powdered lemonade mixes.

Blacklight Girlfriend Repellent

You know those TV news "special reports" where some jerk reporter in a cheap suit busts into a dirty craphole pay-by-the-hour motel room shining his blacklight all over the place to prove that cheap motels are dirty?  Well, that phosphorent luminescence given off by the ever-present hotel bodily fluids can be fabricated through the use of laundry detergent.  So if your buddy has a blacklight in his room for some stupid fucking reason and plans on having his girlfriend over, a good trick is to bust into his room and fling tiny specks of Tide all over the place.  Get the ceiling, the bedsheets, the pillow, the walls... it's not harmful to anything, wipes off easily and is undetectable in small quantities, but his girlfriend's reaction when she flips on the blacklight and sees the entire room covered in what appears to be masturbatory by-product will be well worth the price of admission.

J. Catfood and the Bottle of Piss

Once upon a time, J. Catfood was walking home from class.  It was raining that day, and there were large puddles of mud on the side of the road he was walking down.  Well it just so happened that one of BLT's redneck friends was driving his truck down this road and noticed J. Catfood walking on the sidewalk.  Instead of pulling over and offering him a ride, BLT's friend swerved nearly off-road and nailed a huge puddle, splashing a large quantity of rainwater and mud all over him.  Later that evening this fellow saw J. at a party and gloated about how awesomely hilarious it was to splash him.

Motivated by vengeance J. Catfood bought a case of Grolsch beer, which as you may or may not know comes packaged in a re-sealable bottle.  Knowing that this redneck guy always steals beer out of his friends' refrigerators, he decided to drink the majority of the contents of the Grolsch bottle and re-fill it with ten ounces of human urine.  Once this was complete, he added some vinegar to mask the scent, re-sealed the bottle and stored it in his dorm room's mini-fridge.

Months passed.  Transgressions against J. Catfood are not soon forgotten.

Finally, it was the last week of class.  BLT was having a huge party in his basement dorm room and the time was ripe for the taste of cold vengeance.  And piss.  J. Catfood went out and bought a fresh case of Grolsch, removed one bottle from the box and slowly proceeded towards the mini-fridge.

He triumphantly removed the month-old bottle of urine and vinegar.  In the days and weeks it had been stored the contents of the bottle had sedimented, and the bottle needed to be shaken to mix the contents effectively.  It was gross.  He placed the bottle on the sink in his room and went to pick up the twelve-pack.

Then it happened.

In reaching down to pick up the box of eleven beers, J. Catfood's elbow brushed ever-so-slightly against the urine-filled bottle.  It teetered from side to side, rolling on its edge, drifting dangerously near the edge of the sink.  My eyes widened.  The bottle tipped over, falling from the counter towards the hard tile below.  "NOOOOOooooooo!" we exclaimed in unison as the bottle and its insidious contents careened towards the floor in what seemed like super slow-motion.  No one was close enough, quick enough or brave enough to try and catch it in it's fatal flight.  We were all paralyzed, frozen by the knowledge that in mere seconds we were going to be covered in J. Catfood's piss.

The bottle hit the hard tile floor.  It bounced.

It hit the floor a second time.  Miraculously, the integrity of the glass held and we were saved from a fate worse than piss.

J. Catfood bent the label back to differentiate the infected bottle from the drinkable ones, re-placed it into the case and triumphantly we headed to the basement and victory.

I never learned what happened to that bottle, or whether BLT's friend ever drank the insipid contents.  Granted, I was at the party, but that does not mean that I remember the events that transpired there.  However, this will forever go down as one of the most devious and horrible pranks I have ever been witness to.  Just remember to try this at your own risk, as you might not be as lucky as I was.

The Flood

The Flood is another prank that requires inward-opening doors.  It's simplistic, yet ruthlessly efficient - you take a full-size plastic trash can, fill it with water and tilt it so its leaning against your roommmate's door.  When he opens his door in the morning, his room will flood.  Easy.

Air Raids

This is probably the most basic of all the pranks I'm detailing today.  Back in my senior year, Bill was preparing to head out and join the 82nd Airborne Division, so being the good roommates we were we wanted to help him be prepared for anything he might face.  We believed that a crucial part of his training would involve practicing for enemy air raids, so we decided to simulate them for him so he wouldn't get caught off-guard when he was battling alien bug monsters on the Planet Nebulon or punching North Koreans or doing whatever the hell it is you do in the 82nd Airborne.

Basically executing an Air Raid consisted of a couple of heavily-intoxicated guys busting into Bill's room at an obscene hour of the morning after a long night of hard drinking, flashing his bedroom light on and off while yelling "air raid!", making obnoxious siren noises, throwing small die-cast metal airplanes at him and sometimes shooting him with a super soaker.  "Danger Zone" may or may not have been playing in the background while this was going on.

This was great fun for us, and Bill could never stay mad at a bunch of drunken assholes trying to prep him for military duty.

Utilizing the Task Scheduler

A kickass way to fuck with your roommates is to hop on their computers while they're away and dick around with their task scheduler.  For the not-so-tech-savvy, the Task Scheduler is a useful little Windows tool that executes a specific task at a specific time without you having to give the computer the command.  For example, you can set your computer to wake you up at 8am by playing your MP3s, or you can have it automatically get the weather for you every morning or whatever.  I'm not too up-to-date on it's practical uses because I've never used it for anything even remotely productive.

An awesome thing about the task scheduler is that a lot of the less-savvy computer guys don't know how to operate it, so you can set it to do shit every single day and they'll never figure out how to turn it off.  For instance, I once set one of my roommates' computers to play the most obnoxious song ever ("Mike the Dinosaur" by my band Circle of Piss) every single morning at 3 AM.  He never mentioned it to me until the last day of school (over a month after I set it), when he was like "Ben.  Dear God, please fucking tell me how to make my computer stop playing Mike the Dinosaur in the middle of the fucking night."

J. Catfood once programmed The Admiral's computer to change its desktop background a different hardcore porn image every five seconds for as long as the computer was turned on.  You can program it to connect to the internet and call your roommate's parents home phone number every ten minutes or have it set the default home page to amazingben.com every time Internet Explorer is opened or whatever.  The possibilities here are nearly endless.

Installing a Network Printer

While we're on the subject of dicking around with your roommate's computer, here's another fun trick to play.  Once upon a time, we were living in a large townhouse where all the computers were networked together for purposes of playing Half-Life on the LAN and storing all of our porn in a collective shared drive.  Well one of our roommates had a printer connected to his computer, and he just so happened to be bringing over his brand new girlfriend.  While he was out picking her up, I went into his room and set up his printer as a network printer, meaning that any computer in the townhouse could print to it.  When our roommate got back and brought the girl into his room with him and shut the door, Bill began sending dozens of disgusting crazy fetish porn pictures to be printed out from the newly-installed network printer.  The result was a Class-A Cockblocking.

Fucking with your roommates rules.