There's nothing more impressing than walking down the street in the Spring and seeing all of the beautiful trees in full bloom.  The scent of the sweet nectar filling your nostrils as you walk in the brisk morning air.  What could be more sensational?  Alas!  Spring is several weeks away for most of you.  How will you ever make it another month without those intoxicating aromas?  how will you ever impress your girlfriend or mother?  Not with those weenie arms of yours, that's for sure!

Luckily, there is something you can do to bring the feeling of Spring to the interior of your home, even when the snow is still falling outside.  There is a technique for bringing tree branches into bloom indoors where you can observe them up close, get a real appreciation of nature, and maybe even impress your girlfriend.  The technique of which I speak is called forcing branches.  Forcing branches has bees a hobby enjoyed by nature enthusiasts for at least 2 years and possibly longer!  There are many reasons to force branches indoors.  Some of these reasons are:

• To enjoy the sights and smells of Spring during the blistering cold of Winter.
• To get a better understanding of your garden through the close examination of the plant growing process.
• To attain a feeling of absolute domination over Mother Nature herself.
• To create a delightful and interesting bouquet to give as a gift to friends and family.

I hope I have convinced you of the satisfaction made possible by forcing branches indoors.  Now to set forth and boldly go where only several thousand, if not millions have gone before!

To get started with your new hobby, you will need a few items.

1. Flowering trees
2. A vase or other vessel
3. Newspaper
4. Pruning sheers or loppers
5. Hammer
6. Enriched Uranium
7. A spritzing water bottle

Once you have gathered these items you are ready to begin!  The process is quite simple but extremely rewarding.

First, go outside and find a suitable tree.  There are many varieties of trees found all over the United States that are perfect for forcing.  Some such trees include the Redbud, the Dogwood, Forsythia, the Pussy Willow, Witch Hazel and the Cherry tree. 

Redbud

Apple Tree

When selecting a tree look for one that has branches within easy reach.  That will allow you to see which branches you want to cut instead of cutting randomly above your head.  Look for branches half an inch or smaller in diameter as these will look better in a vase.  Inspect your candidate  branch, it should have many swollen buds just waiting to open and release their sweet, sweet narcotic aromas.  Using your pruning sheers or loppers cut the desired branch at its base or where it meets a lateral branch.  After collecting several branches, its time to head back inside!

The next step is to cut the branches.  Using your sheers cut the branches to a size suitable for your vase.  I suggest lengths 2 to 3 times the height of your container.  However, it is more visually appealing to have branches of several heights as this will add structural interest to your design.  Once the branches are cut to the desired length it is necessary to distress the ends of the branches.  Again, using your sheers, cut the end of your branch down the middle of the branch.  Be sure to make the cut 2 to 3 inches long.  now rotate the branch 90 degrees and make a second cut up the middle.  Looking at the end of the branch the cuts should form an "X" shape.  Now for the fun part.  Using a heavy object such as a hammer, a rock or an ex-girlfriend smash the end of the branch.

Hammer

Rock

Melinda

At this point it is helpful to visualize Britney Spears or Kevin Federline.

Po-po zow!

  Imagine pummeling their faces into submission with your bare fist.  See yourself raining down blow upon blow on their horrible visages.  You should end up with a flattened, splintered area at the base of the branch.  This will help the branch absorb the moisture it needs to stay alive and bloom.  Now that the branches are ready, prepare the vase by simply filling it with water.  Arrange the branches in the vase.  Next wrap the newspaper around the branches and vase making a protective cone.  Tape or clip the paper with clothespins to hold it in place.  Give the inside area a good spray with your water bottle.  This will provide the humidity the branches need to survive the indoor conditions.  You're almost done!  Next place the bouquet in a cool dark place such as a closet, garage, coffin, or laundry room.  Leave the arrangement for a week to 10 days, checking the water level and humidity every day or so.

The last step is to move the vase to a bright spot in your house or apartment and remove the newspaper.  You should see lots of flower bust ready to escape their woody prisons.  In a few days you should have a glorious feast for the senses.  If not, you obviously did something wrong. And remember, technically, the branches died as soon as you cut them.  By keeping them alive artificially you are disobeying God's will.  I hope you enjoy your indoor blooms... and burning in Hell!!!