A couple of Summers ago, I was driving in the car with my Mom and she asked me why I didn't like working at the library.  I told her that they mostly just gave me "bitchwork" and that I thought I was better than that.  My Mom, being old school as she is, was like "bitchwork"?  I looked at her for a second and was like, "yeah, work for bitches.  Bitchwork".  She got totally offended and was like, "Oh, because it's woman's work?  You're too good to do a woman's job?!  I thought better of you Ben than to hear this bigotry out of your mouth!".  So then I had to spend the next fifteen minutes explaining to her that nowadays men can be bitches as well.

And they very often are.  This week, the My Stupid Website staff bring you several men and/or groups of men that should have the following heinous act executed upon them:

Monkey Steals the Peach

Image from primates.ximian.com/~jackson/

I want to kick off the list with a guy who has really been pissing me off a lot lately:  Terrell Owens.  Yes, yes, I know we're all sick of reading stupid opinion articles about this douchebag and how he should stop bitching about how the Eagles totally jobbed him on a backloaded contract and how he's one of the top three best receivers in football and should be paid as such, but at some point he has to understand that if he's going to totally slack off and forget to file for free agency by the deadline, he's going to have to suck it up and play for a shitty contract.  Sort of like how when I don't get the salary paperwork for my Department in to the Business Office by the deadline, none of my professors receive their paychecks and I get a running forearm ball-knock from an Associate Professor of Ancient Greek or my apartment "mysteriously" burns down.  It's just a real-world consequence of being an incompetent fucking lazy bastard.

But whatever. TO wants some more money after only playing one year for a contract, no big deal.  We all knew that was coming at some time or another.  But then this jackass goes and calls out Donovan McNabb, and shit starts hitting the fan.  Yeah, guess what assfuck?  People in Philadelphia actually like McNabb.  You're just some fucking prissy bitch with a reputation as a troublemaker.  You're not going to make any friends that way, and you're just lucky Donovan is such a Platinum-Grade A-1 Class Act because if he had anything short of Saint-level patience he would have pummeled you to death with the NFC Championship trophy three months ago, sports hernia and all.  THEN on top of that TO gets called out by team ambassador Hugh Douglas for faking injuries to get out of practice.  That's not going to endear you to the local blue-collar types.  So TO gets all pissed off and decides to physically confront a former Defensive End who refers to himself as the "Team Badassador".  Guess what fuckface?  Defensive Linemen spend their nights dreaming about the chance to jack pretty-boy prissy receivers in the motherfucking face.  The only thing preventing Hugh Douglas from beating your ass and dumping you head-first into a locker room urinal is the fact that you're a Pro Bowl-caliber receiver and the team may frown upon having one of its employees inflict season/career/life-ending injuries upon you.  But now, I guess anything's fair game.  Though you might want to pick a better tag team partner than Drew "Next Question" Rosenhaus, since that guy is a pretentious cock arrogant dipshit pussy and I'm pretty sure Andy Reid could eat him in one sitting and still have room to feast on your soul.  Man, I hate TO.  He should just mate with Kobe Bryant and create the biggest bitchiest primadonna superstar athlete to ever live.

In short, Terrell Owens is a spoiled petulant child.  Assuming that his balls have actually dropped, he needs to have his peach stolen by a crazy-looking ninja "swinging his arms like windmills to distract the enemy" like some sort of crazy demented ten year-old.  Barring that, I'd pay about fifteen dollars to watch him get bitchslapped by a big angry ghetto-fabulous transvestite on Pay-Per-View or at least get cracked in the jaw by Donovan McNabb in super slow motion.

"Hello, Unemployment Office?"

1. Fred Phelps:  Fred Phelps is founder of an organization called "God Hates Fags".  He says that god blew up the space shuttle to punish America for allowing homosexuals to exist.  His church congregation (which is actually composed entirely of his children and grandchildren) go around the country picketing high schools that have sexual identity support services and stuff.  I went to a counter protest when they were on Long Island.  It was rad.  We yelled insults at them and the police were like, "Just don't hit them and you can say whatever you want".  This one kid had a big sign with a picture of Satan and it said, 666 Satan loves Long Island.  I had a big sign with a picture I painted of Jesus, with a bubble that said "Jesus Loves Gay People".

   I have included 2 pictures of Phelp's grandkids at this protest.  What kid of infantile retard sends kids this young to such a hateful protest?  I can therefore think of nobody more deserving of Monkey Steals Peach than Fred Phelps.

2. Pat Robertson:  Pat Robertson is an idiot.  He is always running his mouth on the 700 club or whatever about how all the people that disagree with him are going to incur God's wrath.  For example, when Dover Penn. elected a new, non-creationist school board because they know that their children needed to be taught science and not disguised religious dogma, Pat Robertson said that they kicked God out of there and that they should not be surprised when disaster strikes.  First of all, what an idiot!  Second, he said removal of Inteligent Design Theory from the science curriculum was the equivalent of kicking out God.  Go ask the ID theory people, and they will say their theory is not religious, while winking over their shoulders to the Christian right.  Oops!  Pat Robertson just gave it away.

3. Jerry Falwell:  Basically the same reason as Pat Robertson.  I am just too sick of people using religion to justify their ignorance and bigotry.  Falwell said that the world trade center attacks were God's revenge for New York's gay lifestyle.

4. That Guy from Arkansas with 16 kids, all of whose names begin with the letter J.

5. Ann Coulter: You know she's got a pair.  I would also add Tucker Carlson, but I don't think he has 'em.

6. That drunk guy from the fifth floor of Landis Hall at FSU in 1999/2000.

Metallica:  God I hate Metallica.  Not only do I think that they're one of the shittiest bands I've ever heard, but I can't even look at Kirk Hammett's lame ass facial hair without getting pissed off.  I hate them for their spolied rock star whining about napster and for that album of cover songs where they manage to ruin an astonishing range of music by everyone from Bob Seger to the Misfits.  And I hate the fact that every meathead asshole in the world still hasn't heard enough of Enter Sandman.

Bono:  Prospect magazine recently held a poll of its readers to determine the the top 100 public intellectuals.  Bono got 23 votes, enough to get an honorable mention.  Something is seriously wrong here.  Why does Bono get taken more seriously than all the other rock stars who dabble in touchy-feely do-gooder politics?  He's a sanctimonious prick whose band made one good album almost 20 years ago.  Screw him, his third world debt-relief, and the crappy, watered-down pop-rock he's been peddling for the past ten years.  Choad.

First off, I'd like my Air Force recruiter to get his peach snatched.  Because of his dodging the truth, I had the worst year of my life.  Thanks a lot jerk.  Also, I'd like Father Christmas to get his, mostly because I'm going to get gyped this year.  Sure, I'll be rich in the love and family aspects of Christmas, but the presents area is looking slim.  Some other individuals who should get gooched are Larry King, the Menendez brothers, Stephen King, Ryan Seacrest, and Jon Meloncamp.

People who need ot get punched in the balls.

• Emos
• Goths
• Chavs
• Elves.

  Elves are basicaly the hairdressers of the fantasy genre.  WE can do without them, my 22nd level Human fighter has NEVER and will never adventure with elves.  They are a species of cissy girlymen who make Karl Moss look like Jack Shannon, Viking Warrior!

• Karl Moss.

  Imagin Jack Shannon, Viking Warrior!  Ok, now mop up all the dripple and erotic fantasy by-products.  Now imagine the oppersite of him.  A well-groomed metrosexual with phonmominal personal hygine and good social skills.  Who need fucking social skills any way?  Screw the educational pychologist, I don't need them.  Oh yeah Karl.  Fuck him!  Fuck him right in the eye socket!

• Fucking Spell-O'-Nazis.

  I fucking hate Microsoft spellchecker, who gives a damm anyway?  What use are spelling and grammer in a viking based combat situation?  Only slightly.

• Anyone who says I'm not really Jewish.

  What the Hell do they think talking about?  I wouldn't tell Andrea how to be hot, I wouldn't tell Ben how to be amazing, I wouldn't tell Karl Moss how to spend £125 on a tee-shirt so don't tell me how to be Jewish gawd dammit!!!  www.askmoses.com says that I'm Jewish and that should be good enough for you!  Moses was Yahweh's voice to the Hebrews and now his electronic equivilent comands you to acknowledge my Jew powers.  If I get anymore Jewish I'll start to breathe fire and get X-ray eyes and stuff.  I'm not sure how true that is but...Oh yeah back the topic.  Fuck Karl.  Fuck him right in the eyesocket!

• Chicks who refuse to give into their natural instincs and make sweet luv to Jack Shannon, Viking Warrior!

• ANYONE Who pisses me off. Seriously.
• Joggers

  Becsuse we all know....

  
  

  
  
  

  Incidently I'm looking for a new catphase, So if any of my loyal fans have any ideas drop me a line.  I asume the reason that you haven't emailed me anything is that your all in a constant state of sexual extasy as a result of the Jack masks and have been too busy creaming yourselves to use a computor.  Well this has to stop, If all people ever do is fantasize about Jack Shannon then the world economy will crumble and morlocks and feminists will reine supremame!!  Hmm, I smell a story..

  Watch this space...........

The Corporate Ninja does not "wish" he could perform the ancient technique Monkey Steals the Peach on anyone.  The Corporate Ninja has better things to do than merely wish.  The Corporate Ninja executes.

The time-tested and much revered practice of Peach Stealing has long been passed down through the ranks of the ninja elite.  At a young age, students of the Iron Hand styles learn the complexities involved in executing such a maneuver and by their fifteenth birthdays they are fully prepared to execute this attack at a moment's notice, striking quickly and unexpectedly with the cat-like agility of a snake that bites balls and doesn't let go.  It is a powerful and effective strike, and as such should not be the subject of a humor article.

Since I haven't written anything for this ridiculous site in over a year however, I will share with you some of the uses this technique has in my day-to-day life as a mid-level corporate executive.  Firstly, Monkey Steals the Peach is the type of maneuver that need only be performed once before your employees begin to take heed of your directives.  Once you have detached one man's testicles from his body in the middle of a weekly budget status meeting for insubordination and failure to refill your cup of coffee in a timely manner, adding the phrase "or I'll rip off your nuts" to a motivational speech suddenly carries so much more weight than it did before.  Instilling a very real instinct of nutsack preservation into your male employee base is the ultimate disciplinary team-building tool, especially if you decide to get creative with it (i.e., throwing the balls after you've removed them, handing them back to the employee, etc.).  It has been an integral part in my ability to maintain order, morale and productivity among all my employees.

Where's the peach NOW, bitch?

If I had but one clawed hand to grab one pair of balls...

Within one hour of hardcore television watching, I saw commercials for 50 Cent's video game, 50 Cent's movie, and 50 Cent's motherfucking cellular phone ring tone.  And this wasn't on MTV, this was on ESPN.  Jesus sweet merciful meatnormous Christ.  We have seriously got to stop encouraging this man.  He already thinks he's the baddest shit in hip hop.  I really don't understand this guy's appeal.  He has big donkey teeth and his songs blow.  He managed to latch on to some nice hooks but his rhyming has never lived up to them.  In fact, that's a gross understatement:  50's rhymes suck my balls like some kind of insatiable ballsucking device or Melinda.  Let's go to the tape.

Man, everywhere I go, I mean like everywhere I be
I hear everybody runnin' they mouth
You should hear how they talk 'bout me

Okay, that's horrible.  Be and me?  We're fucking 18 years removed from Paid in Full and you're rhyming "be" and "me?"  Get real, son.

Oh, and don't even get me started on "21 Questions."  Fitty is lucky that R. Kelly blessed us with "Trapped in the Closet" and guaranteed himself the Biggest Poser Not Named Ja Rule Desperately Trying To Act Hard crown for life.  That's three smacks in one sentence.  Come with it.  I need no Kevlar vest.  I ain't scurred (except of sharks, which 50 is not, though he has huge teeth like a shark.  I know I already made the teeth joke. I want to reinforce the idea.  50 CENT HAS BIG DONKEY TEETH.).

I got tha sickest vendetta when it come to tha chedda
And if you play wit my paper, you gotta meet my berretta
Now shorty think I'ma sweat her, sippin' on amoretta
I'm livin' once than deada, I know I can do betta
She look good but I know she after my chedda

No no no no!  You can't rhyme chedda with chedda.  That's just goddamned lazy.  It goes on and on like this.  There is no investment of creativity or ingenuity into this lyric-writing.  It took, what, thirty years for this genre to attain the credibility it has as an art form, and this talentless hack's records are chart-toppers.  It's horrible.  Kool Herc is rolling over in his grave.  If he's dead, which I think he's not.  It's as though rock'n'roll had evolved and matured and gradually attained cultural acceptance only to see Journey and Creed have #1 albums.  Oh, wait.

First we get the talkin', then we get the touchin'
If we get pass the phone games we'll be fuckin'
I kiss like the French therefore my tongue in your ear
Do it like the dogs do it girl and pull on your hair -

I'm done.  I can't take it anymore.  For the sake of the advancement of music, we must perform monkey steals the peach on 50 Cent.  Thank you, good night.