Sex, exciting and new Come aboard, we're expecting you And sex, life's sweetest reward Let it float, let it float back to you The Sex Boat Soon will be making another run The Sex Boat Promises something for everyone

A couple of years ago, my old roommate and I sat around our apartment with a dry erase board making a list of things that are so hilarious, they'll never stop making us laugh.  These were the top four items on the list, as best I can remember it:

1. Former Miami Hurricane and current Green Bay Packer running back Najeh Davenport getting drunk, wandering into some girl's dorm room, mistaking her closet for a men's room, and taking a crap in her hamper.  Below is a video recreation of the incident from the creator of http://www.hampershitter.com, with some liberties taken.  For example, I'm pretty sure Najeh wasn't wearing a Packers uniform at the time.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Would-be Alabama coach Mike Price getting REALLY drunk, picking up some hoes at a strip club, and bringing them back to his hotel room, where he may or may not have had a night of wild three-way.  Whether he did or not (and you know he did), he was dumb enough to leave his credit card with these bitches when he left in the morning, allowing the bitches to run up $1000 worth of room service.  No, seriously, a freaking grand.  Eventually this led to him being fired before coaching a single game.  But here's the money quote:

   "At about midnight Price headed back to the hotel.  He eventually met up with two women, both of whom he had earlier propositioned for sex, according to one of the women, who agreed to speak to SI about the hotel-room liaison on the condition that her name not be used.  The woman, who declined comment when asked if she was paid for the evening, said that the threesome engaged "in some pretty aggressive sex."  She said that at one point she and her female companion decided to add a little levity to the activity:  "We started screaming 'Roll Tide!' and he was yelling back, 'It's rolling, baby, it's rolling.'" - Sports Illustrated

   It's rolling, baby.  It's rolling.  I'd provide a link to cite this story, but SI has taken it down from their website (yes, this story was located at a URL ending with "mike_price/sex" - I love it), assumedly as a condition of their settlement of Price's defamation lawsuit.  It should be noted that the settlement did not require SI to retract any element of the story, and the magazine's reporters continue to stand by everything that was reported.  This means you should continue to believe every single salacious detail as well as a few that probably exist only in your imagination.  That's what I'm doing, anyway.

3. Allow me to bless you with a little poetry.

   Op. 1
   By George Wright, as dictated to a bathroom stall door

   Shitface Massey was his name
   Tongue-fucking psychos was his game
   He sucked on her clit
   On his face she did shit
   How can he live in such shame?

   Op. 2
   By George Wright, as dictated to a bathroom stall door

   First she shook the springs of my bed
   Then she shat on my head
   So take my advice, and don't be despondent
   Never date a girl who's fucking incontinent

   This is a true story.  Chris Massey was just a normal guy enjoying his first year of college at the University of Florida.  Chris lived on the third floor of South Hall, an honors dormitory, where he participated in the residence hall area government, conscientious goatee grooming, mud-volleyball, and having his psychotic girlfriend take a dump on his face while he orally pleasured her.

   You heard me.

   Chris's first mistake was dating the psycho, who we'll call Hycho Psolly to preserve her anonymity.  Psolly was kind of a weirdo, and everybody knew it, but Chris was in love, and love makes men do strange things.  Or maybe he was just in horny, which also makes men do strange things.  Tough to say, but that's not what's important here.  The important thing is that Chris made a second mistake, which was performing oral sex on Psolly one night when she was having problems controlling her bowel.

   Later, Chris insisted that he was not, in fact, a poopsmith.  Rather, he claimed he had been so drunk on that 151 rum, he'd vomited all over himself, and that's what his neighbors saw-- that dark material all over his countenance-- when he ran into the bathroom and frantically washed his face, while Psolly stood outside, upset and half-dressed.  Okay, Chris.  Wait, why am I calling you Chris?  Your name is Shitface.  Shitface Massey.

4. The bear on the trampoline.  Watch the video.
   

So that was our top four.  We even got the giggles making the list.  How could you not?  SHE SHAT ON HIS FACE!  But a couple of weeks ago, another story came down the pike that threatens to crack the list:  the Vikings and the Sex Boat.

Sex Boat

Minnesota Vikings players are being investigated in connection with a lake cruise that turned into a wild sex party last week on Lake Minnetonka.  The party became so out of control that crew members on the two yachts were offered money for sex and feared for their safety, law enforcement authorities and an attorney for the cruise company said Tuesday. (source)

Ooh.

[Stephen] Doyle [attorney for Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises] said behavior on the cruise included oral sex, masturbation and playing with sex toys.  (source)

Oooooooooh.

One [crew member] opened a galley and three nude women popped out, [Doyle] said.  (source)

Boyoyoing!  This mental image is one of my favorite parts of the story.  I can just see somebody (probably Bryant McKinnie, well-trained in ho-jinks from his days at the U) stuffing three girls in a trap door and closing the door over top of them so that when some unsuspecting teammate came by and opened it, he'd get a triple chickenhead-in-the-box springing out.  Surprise!  I got you some triznicks!

"They [the captains] had to step around people who were having sex on the floor," [Doyle] said.  "They were thinking it couldn't be safe out in the middle of the lake.  It was a petrifying scene." (source)

Note the rarely-used alternate definition of petrifying, "adj.:  causing bonerage."

Once the boats left shore, Doyle said, some women guests started stripping for some of the players, who put down money as the women danced.  The dancing escalated to lap dances, followed by players giving and receiving oral sex.  (source)

Awesome.  Imagine what would have happened if this cruise had lasted until midnight, which is how long the boats were reserved.  But all of this happened in ninety minutes before Captain Stubing turned that mess around and headed back to the pier.  Ninety minutes!  Where's the foreplay, guys?  Where's the sweet talking, the eyelash batting, the longing looks stolen over candlelight and a glass of wine?  Is romance dead?

"[The crew members] talk in fairly extensive detail about ... a couple of different acts - one specifically in front of the bar that involved at one point a male and female, and another point in time, two females and some sex toys," Doyle said.  "People were standing around and photographing that, and photographing it fairly closely," Doyle said.  "There was cheering from the passengers on the boat and there were people shouting directions as to what things they wanted to see."  (source)

Okay, apparently it is.  Recquiescat in pace, romance, at least when it comes to the Minnesota Vikings.  Also dead in Minnesota:  Daunte Culpepper's season.  In lieu of flowers, please send donations to Nate Burleson, whose next contract will be several million dollars less than he thought it would be before this season.

Even on a sex cruise, Dante knows
that water safety saves lives.

Apparently what happened is Fred Smoot, late of the Washington Redskins and Mississippi State Bullcrap, was assigned to "fulfill what is an annual obligation by a first-year player to throw a social event for any players and any friends and family members who want to attend."  (source) Well, that sounds reasonable.  An evening out at the Chuck-E-Cheese with wives and shorties, then everybody piles into the limos for a nightcap orgy on Lake Minnetonka.  Oh, and some public urination.

Prior to boarding, at least one group in a limo urinated on Cathy Hough's lawn in Mound, according to Hough and police.  She said she confronted the men.  "I said, 'Excuse me, do you mind?'  And they looked at me as if I was crazy," Hough said Tuesday.  "One of them said, "It's only water, ma'am,' and he continued peeing.  I said no, it's not."  (source)

It's true what they say:  Haters want to hate.  Lovers want to love.  But Smoot?  Smoot don't even want none of the above.

"Honest coach, I never seen any of these
bitches before in my life.  Word is bond."

"[The crew] cleaned the boat off, wandering around picking up used rubbers, KY Jelly, Handi Wipes, wrappers for sex toys ... it was just incredible how it was left," Doyle said.  (source)

Seems like that's always the way with parties.  You invite between seventeen and twenty-five Vikings over to chill and they leave the place a mess.  Goddamned inconsiderate.

Thank goodness for the Minny Star-Tribune, which managed to compile a list of players "suspected of being on the cruise."

Defensive end Lance Johnstone and safeties Ken Irvin and Willie Offord refused to comment on whether they were on the boat.  Others on the list who previously declined to comment are quarterback Daunte Culpepper, offensive tackle Bryant McKinnie, cornerback Fred Smoot, defensive tackle Kevin Williams, tight end Jermaine Wiggins, running back Moe Williams, wide receivers Nate Burleson, Troy Williamson, Travis Taylor [go Gators!] and Koren Robinson, cornerback Ralph Brown and safety Darren Sharper.  Running back Mewelde Moore confirmed he was on the cruise but said that he didn't see any sexual activity. (source)

"Yeah, I was on the boat," said running back Mewelde Moore.  "But I don't know exactly what the problem is because nothing happened."  Moore said he "didn't see anything," including sex acts.  "Sex? What are you talking about?" Moore said.  "That's crazy. ... Look, I'm engaged.  So none of that.  That will put me in trouble."  (source)

Why you got to hate?  How are you going to call a motherfucker out in front of his FIANCEE?  Can't a man get on a goddamned boat and drink some goddamned liquor and get blown by some goddamned hoes and threaten some goddamned bartenders and stuff some goddamned girls in a goddamned galley without getting snitched?

Seriously, though, it's good to see that solidarity among the offensive skill positions, which is important for building team chemistry.  Still, you have to wonder who Marcus Robinson and Ciatrick Fason pissed off in order not to be invited, to say nothing of Ontizzinator Smith...but then I can kind of understand about Onterrio.  Few things kill a party faster than when that guy (and you know who that guy is!) shows up with his prosthetic dong and bags of fake urine.  "Yo yo, I got that fake piss you wanted!"  "Dammit, Onterrio, didn't NOBODY ask you to bring fake piss.  Why are you always showing up with your goddamned fake piss?"  (WARNING: link opens an audio file in your browser)

Another thing:  you have to believe that there is video of this whole thing out there somewhere.  Anyone who has watched an all-star game in any sport or, even better, the coverage of press week leading up to the Super Bowl every year knows that athletes videotape EVERYTHING.  The ratio of digital video cameras to players has to be at least 1:1.  If anyone is ever assassinated at a slam dunk contest, Oliver Stone will cream his pants.  You KNOW guys were taping the sex boat.  In fact, the Star-Trib says that the Minny fuzz are "investigating accounts...that photographs were taken of sex acts that occurred during [the cruise] (source) and cites that Doyle guy again as saying that "crew members reported that some players allegedly engaged in public sex acts, drank heavily and propositioned female crew members.  The sex was apparently consensual, and some was photographed as passengers watched and cheered."  (source) God, I hope they find the pictures.  But I'll be shocked if the only thing out there is still shots.  I'm telling you, this is coming soon to a Morpheus near you.  Best clear some space next to your R. Kelly video.  Oh, and e-mail me when you get that mess.

This shit is nothing new for the Vikings, of course.  Well, the sex boat idea itself is new (Smoot, you entrepreneurial genius) but Vikings doing stupid shit most certainly is not:

• Between 1986 and 1990, nine Vikings were arrested for drunken driving, and receiver Buster Rhymes was treated for cocaine dependency.
  
  
• In 1988, citing "overwhelming negative response" from the public, the Vikings released convicted sex offender Mossy Cade.
  
  
• In 1995, running back Keith Henderson pleaded guilty to three counts of fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct.
  
  
• In 1995, quarterback Warren Moon reached an out-of-court agreement with a former team cheerleader who alleged that he forced her to have sex with him and harassed her.  Moon had denied the allegations and prepared a countersuit.
  
  
• That year, Moon allegedly struck his wife in the head with an open hand and choked her to the point where she almost passed out, according to police in Missouri City, Texas.  She did not press charges and, although the case went to trial anyway, Moon was found not guilty.
  
  
• In 1995, the Star Tribune reported that the Vikings paid $150,000 to head off a sexual harassment suit against Vikings assistant coach Richard Solomon, coach Dennis Green's closest friend on the staff.
  
  
• In 1999, safety Orlando Thomas was disciplined by the NFL after pleading no contest to the misdemeanor charge of simple battery on his wife.
  
  
• In 2002, receiver Randy Moss knocked a traffic cop to the ground with his car, then was charged with drug possession.  He later reached an out-of-court settlement with the officer.
  
  
• In 2002, two women claimed to be sexually assaulted at the team's Arctic Blast fundraiser.
  
  
• In 2004, linebackers E.J. Henderson and Michael Nattiel [go Gators!] and tight end Steve Farmer were arrested after officers said they saw the players assaulting a man outside the Tabu nightclub in Minneapolis.
  
  
• In 2005, running back Onterrio Smith was suspended by the NFL for a year for violating the league's substance abuse policy, two months after being caught at an airport with The Original Whizzinator, a kit designed to circumvent drug tests.
  
  
• Also in 2005, coach Mike Tice was fined by the NFL for scalping Super Bowl tickets, and defensive tackle Kevin Williams was arrested on charges of domestic abuse. (source)

Those assholes never invite me when they go out.
Is it the sweaters?  I could switch to turtlenecks.

Let's not forget the Herschel Walker trade, using a first-rounder on D.J. Dozier and actually drafting Gino freaking Torretta in the seventh in 1993.  Gino Torretta!  On the dumbass-move scale, I rank this slightly ahead of Mike Tice's ticket scalping but behind Warren Moon beating the crap out of his wife.

In another development, two sources with direct knowledge of the investigation said that crew members have told authorities that several women who had sex with the players on the boats said that they had been flown in from out of state for the party.  Both sources said that some of the women reportedly said they had arrived from Atlanta and that authorities would be checking that tip.  One of the sources said that if the women participated in organized prostitution on the boat after crossing state lines, it could be a felony under federal law.  "Somebody here was brokering these females, but we can't yet say they were brought in by the Vikings team or whomever," the source said.  "It would take the investigation to a higher level, yes.  There's some organization to it - the crew overheard them [women] saying they were from out of town.  The Atlanta connection with these females has been overheard by the crew."  At least 20 women were reported to have engaged in lewd behavior on the boats, the source said.  The source said that federal authorities had not yet been contacted because that was still developing.  Minneapolis FBI agent Paul McCabe said Friday that his agency had not yet been contacted by local investigators.  The women may have checked into an Eden Prairie hotel and then eaten at the nearby Naar Grille prior to going aboard the boats last week.  A customer at the restaurant, speaking on the condition that his name not be used, said that a woman in her early 20s who called herself Ebony said she and a group of about 12 to 15 women had just flown in from Atlanta and Houston.  The customer said that the women were eating at the restaurant and staying at the Spring Hill Suites by Marriott.  He said the woman said that her group was in town to attend a party scheduled to begin at midnight at "some mansion" where a Vikings player lived.  The woman did not mention a boat party. (source)

"Somebody here was brokering these females."  Dude, just say pimping.  These are football players and they may not understand "brokering".  They didn't break the bitches, they just had sex with them.

Obviously there is a major issue here, because we're no longer just talking about a lakeborne jizz fiesta.  We're talking about a lakeborne jizz fiesta with illicit interstate trafficked poon.  Here's the thing, though.  Look at where these guys went to college:

Lance Johnstone	Temple (Philadelphia)
Ken Irvin	Memphis
Willie Offord	South Carolina
Daunte Culpepper	Central Florida
Bryant McKinnie	Miami
Fred Smoot	Mississippi State
Kevin Williams	Oklahoma State
Jermaine Wiggins	Georgia
Moe Williams	Kentucky
Nate Burleson	Nevada
Troy Williamson	South Carolina
Travis Taylor	Florida
Koren Robinson	North Carolina State
Ralph Brown	Nebraska
Darren Sharper	William & Mary (Williamsburg, Virginia)
Mewelde Moore	Tulane (New Orleans)

Nearly all of these guys are from the South.  Now they play in Minneapolis.  How can I put this delicately... Minneapolis is full of pale white boring Lutheran people named Sven.  A man who spent his college years in Lexington, Kentucky or Memphis, Tennessee is a man who probably likes his biscuits, just not powdermilk biscuits.  What I'm saying is that if you are planning to host a sex boat and you want to have some women of color aboard, Minneapolis isn't your most fertile chicken-hunting grounds.  You need to import, and that shit costs money.  "A woman in her early 20s who called herself Ebony," says the article.  "A woman in her early 20s who called herself Ebony" is about as clearly as you can say "a whore" without actually saying it.

My point is that philosophically I can understand where Fred and the boys were coming from.  First of all, I wouldn't have sex with girls from Minnesota either.  Sure, they might have big tits or great fashion sense or that sexy accent (haters- I know Fargo isn't in Minnesota.  Shut the fuck up and don't step on my jokes) but the fact is that they eat lutefisk, and that's disgusting.  I'm not going to brook any argument on this point.  Second, the Vikings really, really blow.  They're in a division with Detroit, Green Bay, and Chicago and they stand a decent chance of finishing last.  I can understand wanting to unwind and watch your teammates be pleasured by high-class hookers on a rented boat in the middle of a lake in Minnesota in the middle of October.  Actually, no, I can't, because that sounds kind of nasty and, more importantly, cold.  I hope they paid these girls enough to get treated for hyponipplethermia.  But I just can't find it in me to condemn Fred and the boys, mostly because this entire story is hilarious and only promises to get better when this goes to court and more details are revealed.  For example, does Koren Robinson have as much ballhandling difficulty off the field as he does on it?  Does Daunte do that forearm rolling dance after sex?  Who peed on the lawn and how does he manage to be polite enough to call the lady who challenged him "ma'am" yet not polite enough to stop peeing on her grass?  We need to know these things.

Lutefisk is disgusting.

According to my legal expert, Counselor Arn, Fred and company potentially could be charged under Title 18, Part I, Chapter 117, particularly sections § 2421 and § 2422a of the Federal statutes, which generally say that you're not supposed to bring chickenheads across state lines for the purposes of boat orgies, and which are each punishable by between 10 and 20 years in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.  Obviously I'm not rooting for anyone to pound Fred Smoot's ass.  I like Fred, and I think he's suffered enough having gone to Mississippi State.  Besides, shouldn't we let the team handle this internally?

Minnesota coach Mike Tice said Friday he would consider reducing playing time as punishment for Vikings found to have acted inappropriately -- or criminally -- on the infamous boat party allegedly involving several players earlier this month. (source)

Now that is justice, my friends.  Sit out a series, go forth, and sin no more!