| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
| News ‡ Articles ‡ Badass ‡ Reviews ‡ Mail ‡ More |
Update 7 October 2005 by Jack Shannon, Viking Warrior
A story by Jack Shannon.
Jack strode into his underground battle fortress, his Viking broadsword, sheildbiter, in hand.
He had just retuned from his weekly ass-kicking session at the old folks home and he needed to relax, after pouring himself a large whiskey and blackcurrant he sat down at his super computer and went on his favourite website, amazingben.com.
"Hmmm.." though Jack as he read though the various updates.
"Previously I had simply dismissed Wicca as simply a load of 13 year old girls and 47 year old investment bankers who enjoy pissing me off...Maybe there something more sinister at hand.."
Jack went to google, and typed in "We Wiccans are plotting to take over the world!"
Jack looked at the description of the first page "Join the lame-ass crappy Wiccan society for world domination now!"
Trusting his Viking Instincts Jack clinked on the link. The page read the following:
"HIYA, LOL. THIS IZ OAKLEAF (MY WICCA NAME!) 'S HOMPAGE ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT I LOVE! I LOVE MY FRIENDS WHO I HANG OUT WITH! TREES, FLOWERS, BUNNYIZ (THERE SO CUTE! LOL @ DA BUNNIS!) AND WICCA!
Jack's blood pressure rose at how shitty this page was and he had to eat two bags of beef jerky just to calm down. But using his immense Viking skill, he continued.
WE WILL BE HOLDIN A BIG WICCA MEET UP FOR ALL THE WICCANS WHO WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD FROM MEEN PEOPLE WHO SUCK! LOL LOL LOLOLOLOL!!!
After reading this Jack sighed. Once again he would have to go on a legendary quest to save mankind from dickheads and communists. Jack put on his badass Viking ass kicking gear, sharpened his sword and big knife, put on his historically accurate night vision goggles, ignored the stupid yet hot blonde woman who begged him to do her on the way out and with a toss of his manly hair let out the traditional battle cry of the Vikings,
"JOGGING IS FOR GIRLS!!"
Jack met up with his secret underground contact, Freddy "the cat" Johnson to find out more about this insidious threat. Jack used his amazing Viking interpersonal skills to get the information from "the cat".
Jack then, using his amazing Viking powers of invisibuility, creaped though the undergrowth towards the cabbal of toss-pots. Then he Revealed himself in true Viking fashion, by laughing loudly and crushing a coconut inbetween his pectoral muscles. "HAHAHAH!" Laughed Jack
"Run in fear, for Jack Shannon, Viking warrior is here to ruin your shit!"
Then the leader of the Cabbal tried somthing that was pretty damm gay. Even for a wiccan.
"WICCA IS FOR GIRLS!" Yelled Jack. Placinga hilarious twist on his standard catchphase, Jack thrust his broadsword into the adomen of the cabal leader, then savagely twisted it, shattering his spine. Jack laughed a manly laugh "HAHAHA." Said Jack as he advanced over the still twitching corpse of the head wanker. After shattering few pelvises, kicking some more ass, and finaly head-butting to death an old woman called Frank, Jack came to the sacrefices.
"Hello Jack!" Said amazing Ben, who was one of the captives.
"I WANT TO DO YOU!" Screamed Andrea, who was the other captive.
"I WANT TO BE YOU!" Blurted out Ben.
"Hmmmm." Said Jack. then with his super Viking skill of Freudian pychologicla anlysis he came to the following conculsion.
"Andrea, you don't want to do me. You secretly want to be me. And Ben, you don't want to be me. You want to do me."
Jack though long and hard. "Well the solotuion is obvious." Said Jack.
And with that he gave them each a Jack Shannon mask, so they could safely indulge their Jack Shannon Fetish.
"Oh JAck how can we ever thank you?"Said Hot andea, already groaning with lesure at the sight of Ben in a Jack Shannon mask.
"JOGGING IS FOR GIRLS!" Said Jack, and with that he jumped out a window and went home to his masion of hookers and cocaine.
THE END!!!!
P.S Wicca sucks ass.
Links of the Week: Free Katie Spider-Man Reviews Crayons |