It's a pretty well-known fact that I am lazy as hell, and as such I tend to outsource a lot of my articles even though I've spent most of my days this Summer downloading porn on my work computer and making flash cards with Chinese characters because I have nothing better to do with my time since all the professors and students are gone until Fall oh my god what the fuck.  Also, I make a point of not turning down article submissions if there is any way that I can avoid it.

On that note, I received an email a week or so ago from a guy named Lucius Diamond who runs a site called REAL Ultimate Battles that I had heard about before from one of my old college roommates.  Anyways, I asked Lou to go ahead and write an update this week detailing exactly what REAL Ultimate Battles are because the basic premise is totally ridiculous and I don't really think I could do it justice by explaining it myself.  So here it is.  Lou put together the article and ideas, and I decided to use some of my copious spare time to Photoshop together my conception of what the battles would look like.  Hopefully, it won't suck.

First off, I just want to thank the Amazing Ben for allowing me the opportunity to lay down this update.  That was a REAL fire thing to do man;  I hope I can make YOU proud of me, unlike my family...

Alright, well, I am Lou Diamond and this is my tour de force... Real ULTIMATE Battles!

I will have it KNOWN that I have been sitting here for a while, trying to explain all about Battles, and I've been coming up empty.  So I don't give a shit anymore, I'm just going to tell how it all began.  This is the origin of Real ULTIMATE Battles!

*note* Exclamation points are required when ending a sentence with Real ULTIMATE Battles!

A couple of years ago, my friend J Sav and I (we're kind of like Tango and Cash or Booker T and Stevie Ray) were having a brainstorming session of destruction +2.  It should be stated for copyright purposes that Josh's super hot sister/my soul mate Jen and her sexually deviant boyfriend Dave were also present.  Anyway, at like 1 a.m. you can get to talking about some pretty crazy shit.  The topic of this evening was how fucking insane comics are when you actually think about what is involved.

Josh was sitting there and he said something like, "All things considered, Wolverine is a pussy.  His only powers to speak of are strong ass bones and ultra fast healing.  That's weak as hell compared to controlling the weather!"

We then talked for a while about various other super heroes beating the shit out of Wolverine, when Dave made a crazy/awesome statement.  He told us that he swore there was a Marvel supervillian that was an entire planet.  He said its name was Ego, and that it even had a beard.  This was so awesome, I had to go home and let the information sink in, and also do some other personal stuff I don't want to talk about.

The next night, I got online and J Sav sent me THIS:

*note* This makes J Sav the grandmaster of all Battles. Hail Caesar!

Needless to say, I was fucking stunned. This awesome cut/paste effort displayed one of the biggest mismatches ever, even bigger than the United States of America vs the Republic of Hawaii, featuring Jimmy Hart.

After recovering enough to type, I told him that A.) That's fucking AWESOME! And B.) I have an idea, and no it doesn't involve demons (See Thulsa Doom).  I told J Sav I had something to show him too, and I quickly whipped up this masterpiece...

This exchange was the birth of what was to become Real ULTIMATE Battles!

Nearly every night for three months, we would come up with insane matchups and photoshop them, sending them back and forth.  He'd send me one and I'd piss myself, then I'd try to out-do him, and so on.  When we talked about this in front of friends, they would express concern for our mental well being, and then would blame me for corrupting Josh.  Once they saw the pictures however, they were so blown away that they stopped thinking we were crazy and started worshiping us as demi-gods.

There is a code to this age old art form that I should share with you, should you decide to travel the path which I have laid at your feet.

1. You must make every attempt when making Battles to choose the most outlandish and ridiculous combatants you can think of.  This could take minutes, but believe me they will be minutes well spent.
2. Also, the combatants should have as little to do with each other as possible.  No apples vs oranges bullshit here, more like apples vs radiators.
3. Keep discussion of the results of a battle to a minimum.  Instead, relish in the simple pleasures of your own audacity/how deranged your friends and family now think you are.  Sure, if you were to say, "Who would win in a fight, Ben Stein, or Einstein?" they would all laugh.  But if you say, "Who'd win, Ben Stein, or petty theft?" they think you're losing it.  So maybe I am.  Piss off.

And now, after sitting through all my bullshit (I can just imagine the things Hot Andrea will say when her update on 'celebrity bitches everybody wants to make babies with' gets bumped for this steaming pile of awesome), I give you Real ULTIMATE Battles!

The H-Bomb VS Geraldo Rivera

This is a classic Battle and one that got quite a response from just about everybody, even those people not much in favor of Battles. I think it appeals to everyone, because I don't know anybody who likes Geraldo.  I'm almost certain that at this point, not even he likes Geraldo.  The he is Jesus.

Amazing Ben's Take:

Amazing Ben's Take:

Amazing Ben's Take:

I really hope you enjoy Real ULTIMATE Battles, and are not repulsed like so many others.  I have high hopes, however.  I felt that the readers of My Stupid Website would be much more open to this idea than any other group in existence.  It has been my extreme honor/pleasure/hamster to share with you my ideas.

Yeah, I know, this is really dumb, but you know what?  Sasquatch might be gay, so I think you can cope with random insanity.

Lou Diamond, Patron Saint of Wonderbread