When I first started this website, I didn't really know what I wanted it to put on it or even what I wanted it to really be about.  As a result, my first couple of updates were pretty lame.  One day I decided that I would put up a couple of emails that my friend Sexx had sent me.  When I got home that night, Andrea was like, "Yeah, your website still sorta sucks.  That email from Andrew was the funniest thing that you've put up yet."

Since then, I have received many entertaining emails from everyone out there.  I assume this is the kind of site that you have to be kind of sick in the head to frequent regularly and that definitely translates into some excellent mail for me.  So this week I think that I'll share some of the things I've received since I started the site, and Maybe it will make Andrea laugh for the second time in the history of the site.

The most common types of mail I receive are generally either along the lines of "hey I like/hate your site" or suggestions for the Badass of the Week.  This sort of mail is always appreciated (unless you opt for the "hate your site" strategy, in which case you should probably just stop reading it instead of wasting my time with poorly-written emails) and I do my best to try and honor your suggestions for the BotW.  They don't always make it, but that's usually just my own preference and you shouldn't take it personally.  Either way, most emails I get contain just one or two lines.  And while I like any sort of feedback you can give, it's the short emails like this one that I really dig:

Loved the face kicking gif.  I also love foot to face contact and love kicking face too.  Are you a kickboxer?

That's my kind of email.  That's the kind of person I think can really dig on this site.

Here is another excellent email I received.  I read this at like 8:30 in the morning and was cracking up pretty much all day about it.  The fact that my site is the first thing to come up when you Google "kick donkey nuts" is probably the greatest thing ever, and the advice at the end is definitely something I should have thought of for my "Quit Your Job" update.

So last week I had a really bad hangover.  Like so bad that looking up porn would have been useless.  So I Googled "kick donkey nuts".  Yours was the first site that came up.

I have since read every single update, review, profile, link and badass on your site.  In short I have read the whole fucking thing.  (You have no idea the amount of free time one has while unemployed.)  You are one funny-assed motherfucker, and I appreciate your sense of humor more than you could possibly know.  You do good work, now keep it up or I will kick your ass.

-John Coffey

P.S.  A good thing to do for your boss?  Sign him up for the viagra, cialis, enzyte, genital herpes medicine and other such mailing lists at his work address.  It provides for endless hours of entertainment.  That's a freebie.

That is as perfect of an email as they come.  It's got advice for dicking over your employer, donkey nut kicking and threats of physical violence all rolled up into one concise email.  If those aren't the principles this website was founded on, they definitely should be.

About 25% of the emails I receive at my amazingben.com address are for Japanese porn sites.  I don't know if some disillusioned reader signed me up for the naked asian girl fan club or if somebody took my update about wanting to do hot asian chicks a little to seriously or what, but about once a week I get an email that's completely in kanji and that often features pictures like this:

As much as I love it when sad-looking girls begrudgingly show me their tits, there's just something about porn solicitation that's decidedly unsexy.  I'm not exactly sure what it is;  all I know is I couldn't even click on the "unsubscribe" button if I wanted to.  If someone wants to email me and tell me what the hell Unsubscribe looks like in kanji, I would dig it.

Suprisingly, I do get a lot of emails from other Ben Thompsons out there, generally in reference to my "I'm the Hottest Ben Thompson" updates.  I got this one from the lead singer of the Ben Thompson Band:

Hey man I was turned onto your site by one of our "Street Kids" in Halifax NS.  I just want to say that it is very funny and....some what informative.  Anyways I would love to know if you would be interested in linking to our site as I know that our listeners would get a kick out of it.  Let me know if you can do this.  If not....I will do my best to link anyways.  Cheers.
BenT

www.thebtb.ca

I thought it was pretty cool that he had a good sense of humor about the whole "me sorta poking fun of him on the internet" thing, and to this day I still get about 3% of my traffic via the link on his website.  I gave him kind of a hard time in my update, but he's a cool guy and I actually do dig his music.  You should check out his band if you ever get time and are in Canada.

However, I think this is probably the best email I've received from another Ben Thompson:

hello, don't be fooled by the web address for my name truly is Ben Thompson and i am the son of the owner of this computer hence the andy thompson e-mail address.  not only am i better looking than you...this can be proven simply by photo evidence if you can be arsed to get of your pretty boy ass and move your pretty boy hands and reply;  but i am also more intelligent, as i am a medical student in liverpool, slightly trumping your 'booming' administrating career.

your sincerely,
Ben 'the best god damn looking' Thompson.

ps. if i send you a photo will you put me on your website and pay homage to my glory?!

I wasn't quite sure what to make of this, so I replied:

Dear Ben Thompson,

You may submit a photo for consideration.  I promise that I will take time from my booming 'administrating' (and evil genius) career to get 'of' my ass and post it.

Good luck in your British med school career.

Your friend,
Ben Thompson

The reply was ridiculous and awesome:

right, this is the Ben Thompson who e-mailed you last week from my old man's comuter.  don't mind the crazy e-mail address, thats just my uni one at liverpool. 

as the photo proves (by the pants on the outside), i too am a superhero with ultra-aggressive yet morally-gifted blood and a technique honed from my jungle upbringing where i wasn't as lucky as mogli to have the guidance of a big blue bear, and simply had to be faster than a cat and stronger than a hippo.  i've since taken these skills to liverpool where i'm studying medicine so that in the future i can self-prescribe and get my kicks for cheaper!!

oh yeah, and i'm one good looking son of a bitch.

cheers from your name-sake, Ben Thompson.

And what would an update about emails be without a choice one from Sexxy himself:

I'm losing the will to compose this message.  Twice I've tried and it's been lost into the ether due to some fuckup with my webmail.  One last try.

1. See subject line.  (the subject like was "Everything You Do Is Awesome")
2. The people (i.e. me) request, nay, demand more Andrea content.  And by content, we/me mean topless photos.
3. I've decided to change my rap handle.  Well, not exactly change it.  I've been reading about Tupac (you heard me) and apparently he released some stuff at the end of his careerslashlife under the name Makavelli.  If it's good enough for 'pac, it's good enough for 'exx, so I'm going to try to get my adoring fans to start calling me Makadamia.  I expect this to fail.
4. I'm not a huge Red Sox fan, but Pedro Martinez is easily my favorite non-Cub player.  He's such a badass.  He'd hit Jesus in the eye.  Note that this all remains true even though he's risking severe cred damage with this jerry curl-brillofro combo he's working these days.  He looks like an extra from Coming To America, but I'd still have his babies.

I should also mention here that at some point since the inception of this site every single girl I've ever dated has fired an email to me.  I've never responded, but I do think it's worth noting here as sort of a caveat to any hopeful webmasters-to-be.

The last email I'll share with you today is... different than the rest.  I don't think any sort of intro can do it justice.  I do think that it's related to my Rune: Viking Warlord update, but that's all I'll say.  Just read:

i AM a viking... reenactor.  i own a sheild, leayther padded jacket (type of armour), axe, scramasax (big knife), 6' spear and my pride and joy, Sheildbiter (a broadsword).

ive had my right middle finger smashed into splinters by a hand and a half (bastard) axe.  had me jaw smacked by a spear and have been hit in the side of the head inumerable times. 

your websie rules.  like you latest. Churchill kicks ass.

My response:

That's pretty rad.

I would assume you would have to be nearly as manly as real Vikings because it would look stupid for a bunch of sissies to be running around with swords and axes pretending to be super badasses.  Plus, I've seen enough Viking gear to know that you have to be pretty tough to swing those weapons around anyways.

I'm glad you like the site.  I update it with new stuff pretty much every Friday afternoon, so feel free to check it out if you're so inclined.

Oh, and be sure to smash someone's skull for me the next time you're at a reenactment.

- Ben

My viking friend replied with a statement of badassitude with a self-portrait that is beyond description:

i should be your badass of the week!  observe:

• Don't Take Crap From Anyone

  I take crap from no-one or no thing.  I have wrestled fellow vikings for less than that and started on people with fists the size of my head (which is huge to concel my mighty brain) I don't care if i get the crap beaten out of me, I rule.  I have had a 5 foot solid wood warhammer swung at me with enough force to break my sheild and still continued to fight the same dude till he wimped out and switched to a sword. 

• Outhink Your Opponents

  The great Jack shannon doesn't need to think.  The only thing i think about are metaphchical concepts like the nature of God or the infinity of the universe.  I don't NEED to think about my openents, I justs smushes them.  Ive kicked the ass of people far bigger than myself.

• Stabbing Faces

  Is for losers!  if somone stabbed at my face i would sweap his blade aside and respond with a cracked wrist thurst o the hip, thus shattering his pelvis, as he falls to the floor crying like a little girl (not crying manfuly like i do) I would stab him in the lungs, so he drowns in his own blood. 

• Badass Sex Appeal

  Even though i have never even held a girls hand, as i walk past seats dampen and even though their mouths say "stop sexualy harrassing me" their herats cry "DO ME JACK! DO MEEE!!!"

• Moderate Level of Insanity

  I am lacking in insanity so that while walking downt he street i contemplate the best weapon to despatch people i.e

  "Hmmm, old lady walking doge, probably weak bone structure, slow reaction time.. MACE."

  or

  "HOT SHIT ITS AMAZING BEN! I will destroy him honorably with the Samuri sword."

• No Diet Pepsi

  I have never and will never drink pepsi, coke or any other lame ass drink.  and never in diet form.  I don't need to diet, as santa once said,

  "Ho Ho Ho! Joggings for girls!"

  Have Death Avenged

  I'd like to meet the asshole who thinks they could kill me.. if they did then i'd get a wolf to eat my corpse then burst from its stoumuch to kill my attacker from beyond the grave....

  I rock.

  I...

  • do viking reenactment
  • sexualy harrass girls in front of their jock boyfriends
  • hate puppy dogs
  • hate feminisum
  • rule.

Well, I guess that does it for this update.  I know it's possible that the emails I receive might not be interesting to the general readership here, but I really enjoyed them and thought I'd share.  Plus, this is like a whole week where I don't have to think of any "witty" new material.

Anyways, I'll be back next week with a fun and exciting update.  You can always feel free to email me at benthompson@amazingben.com.  I like getting mail, and I will do my best to try and respond.