With the death of Pope John Paul II, the Catholics around the world are eyeing candidates for the new pope.  117 Cardinals will barricade themselves in a hermetically sealed "conclave" and give each other the business until a new pope is elected.  It is hugely secret what they do in their, but I imagine lots of Nintendo, arm-wrestling and wet t-shirt contests (for the older, fatter cardinals - you know which ones I mean).

The Catholic religion is going to lose a lot of steam and momentum from having lost one of the best popes they every had.  The way I see it, the church needs to take a bold stand and elect a pope that can galvanize the world's young people.  A pope who can inspire non-believers.  A pope who can get to level 26 on Tetris (NES version).  In other words, the Roman Catholic Church could do no better than elect J. Catfood to the position of pope.  For life.

Step One:  Protection

Step Two:  Once we have elected "J. Pope": Excommunicate bitches

I would excommunicate every American politician that has tried to use God to get themselves elected or used religion to justify their policies.

I would also sell excommunications to fund talent searches to recruit to my kung fu army of scantily clad female body guards. Of course, those who were excommunicated could buy back their position in heaven, because I am reinstating plenary indulgences (see below).

Step Three:  Plenary indulgences and simony - They're back baby!

The bible says it should be hard for rich people to go to heaven.  Not on my watch!  Got money?  That's good enough.

Just kidding of course.  I would press for social justice and I would strive to crush capitalism.

Step Four:  Name Amazing Ben the Holy Roman Emperor.

Europe has gone to shit since Italy unified and the Holy Roman Empire dissolved.  Amazing Ben has the know-how and the elbow grease to lead Europe to a new age of awesomeness.

Step Five:  Reproductive Stuff

First off, free condoms, birth control pills, diaphragms, etc and STD testing at all churches.  It is time for the church to get with the modern age, and help people stay clean.  Because they are at a church, they would say things while handing out the sex gear like 'Have fun", "no donkey punching" and "If she goes down, you go down too".  After all, "Love thy neighbor".

Next, the church would switch its stance on abortion from straight out "none" to a straight out "None of your business".  If it foolish to believe that a fetus counts as a human life.  At the stage of abortions, most fetuses are less developed than fish.

Step Six:  Vatican City - the new Bourbon Street

New Orleans has taken the Tuesday before lent (Mardi Gras) and turned it into the biggest party ever.  As it's a catholic thing, the Roman Catholic Church should have first dibs on it. I would install bars, pubs and clubs all around the rim of St. PeterŐs Square. I mean how perfect is this? In New Orleans, the tradition is beads; in Vatican party town the Rosary can be used for this purpose.  As a bonus, the Girls Gone Wild Vatican contingent will have plenty of new Rosaries to count off after their crazy Vatican nights!

Step Seven:  Promote Papal Infallibility

My word will be LAW!

Step Eight:  Declare war against American Fundamentalists

Using a policy of ridicule and logic, I would methodically stamp out fundamentalism and all the crap associated with it.  This would include the papal fund to support evolutionary research.  Big money to study all forms of evolution.

Step Nine:  Declare the following people saints

Elvis, Charles Darwin, Einstein, John Lennon, Richard Nixon, Johnny Appleseed, Charlie Chaplin, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, Sid Vicious.

Step Ten:  Join Forces with Buddhism.

I think this just goes without saying.  The Pope plus the Dalai Lama would be an unstoppable tag-team force, with our super finishing move, the Double-D Divinity Driver.  I think those Buddhists really got things right.  What do I know, though?  After all, I'm a Quaker.