This week's update comes on a Thursday afternoon because tomorrow the great state of Massachusetts is forcing me under penalty of death and dismemberment to do my civic duty by sitting on a jury of my peers so that I can pass judgment on those who have violated the rules of a system that I don't really believe very strongly in.  As a result, I intend to wake up at the ass of dawn and haul my ass downtown to perform a damn service for my country by informing the defense attorney that I'm a white supremacist communist libertarian jew bastard of irish-african-asian-middle eastern decent who is related to the plaintiff and the prosecutor, in hopes of being dismissed immediately to spend the entire afternoon building up my bitchin' dynasty in NCAA Football 2005 for the Xbox.

I guess it's a little upsetting that I have to take a hard-earned vacation day from work to go sit through a potentially boring trial and get pissed at other jurors Twelve Angry Men-style, but in some weird way I'm actually a little bit excited about going down to the courthouse in the morning.  I've never been arrested and have only been called for jury duty once before (I did my trademark "no call no show"), so this will mark the first time I will have been in a real courtroom during a trial.  It could be cool, as long as I get something awesome like a murder or assault and not something totally fruity like a personal injury slip-and-fall I-burned-myself-with-a-hot-coffee bullcrap lawsuit.  We will see what happens.  As always, I will keep you updated.

Where I'm going with this is as follows:  while I've never actually been in a real courtroom for a trial, I've watched enough of The Investigators, Cold Case and Forensic Files on Court TV that I feel as though I'm an experienced veteran in the art of putting criminals away for life for a variety of offenses.  You might even say that I'm a real Forensic-phile.  If you were lame.  Like me.  Either way, I feel as though this week I should have a courtroom-themed update, so I've decided that I will enlighten you with my wide-ranging knowledge on historical serial killers and provide you with detailed information that you may or may not have already known because it may or may not actually be true.  So get ready to learn some shit!

Forensic-phile.  I'm so goddamned funny sometimes.  How do you even stand it?

The Zodiac Killer Full Name:  Unknown Total Kills:  About 40 Arrested:    Never Bio:  Zodiac was a crazy dude who wandered the streets of California in the 70's murdering people and writing fucked-up letters to the police in a super secret code language that he spent way too long concocting.  His goal was to kill a bunch of people in a bunch of different ways for no good reason at all, so he just went around shooting, strangling and stabbing people he ran into on the street.  He generally tried to kill couples who were trying to get busy in the park, mostly because when you want to do it in a public place you go to places where there aren't a lot of people around and that is prime time real estate for someone to jump out at you in a homemade super hero costume and kill the shit out of you.  If you've learned anything from this (or any horror movie for that matter), know that if you have to get it on outside, do it in as public a place as you can find.  That way, while you may get arrested or piss off old people you can be pretty sure nobody's going to come up and knife you in the spine while you're trying to get your fly open. Zodiac would kill all these people and then call the murders in to 911.  He would then write these notes with little clues and crap on them because he knew that he was so damned crafty that nobody would ever catch him.  And nobody ever did.  Maybe if he murdered some people that weren't manual laborers or horny teenagers I would give a crap, but you have to give Zodiac this much;  He was the master of pissing off the cops and getting away with it. Sick Asshole Factor:  2.0 / 5.0 Piss Off the Cops Score:  5.0 / 5.0 Overall Detriment to Society Score:  3.5 / 5.0	Grr... I'm mean!
BTK Full Name:  Dennis Rader Total Kills:  7 Arrested:    February 2005 Bio:  BTK, which stands for "Big Time Killer" roamed the streets of Wichita, Kansas, strangling women to death in their homes and then whacking it on their dead bodies.  BTK, who named himself after his favorite Burger King sandwich, was an exceptionally sick fuck who loved to murder families and break into peoples houses.  He tried to pattern himself after Zodiac and sent coded messages to the police but his rise to serial killer fame was hampered by two major factors.  First off, he was not as intelligent as Zodiac and his grammar was so atrocious that no respectable news agency wanted post that crap on TV or in the newspaper.  Secondly, he was killing people in Kansas and as everybody outside the American midwest knows, nobody gives a shit about what happens in Kansas.  Americans in general try to disassociate themselves from that region because as soon as you get attached to something there it gets destroyed in a tornado or a flood or something.  It's like, outside Toto the dog and the UK basketball team, no one cares.  So he's strangling people in Kansas?  Big deal.  Kill someone I give a shit about and then we'll see how popular you are.  BTK is a chump. BTK finally got busted last year, even though most of his murders were in the 70's because he tried to act all hard and shit when he should have been inside watching Forensic Files or at least playing basketball or cow tipping or whatever they do in Kansas these days.  He tried to fuck with the cops on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his murder spree and nowadays you can't really get away with fucking with the cops like you used to be able to.  Zodiac got the point and gave up after a while.  BTK just didn't know when to quit.  What a dumbass. Sick Asshole Factor:  4.0 / 5.0 Piss Off the Cops Score:  4.0 / 5.0 Overall Detriment to Society Score:  4.0 / 5.0	Grr... I'm ugly!
Jeffrey Dahmer Full Name:  Jeffrey Dahmer Total Kills:  At least 11 Arrested:    February 1993 Bio:  Jeffrey Dahmer used to get turned on by dissecting road kill when he was young.  That's when you know there's going to be problems in the future.  Dahmer ended up killing a shitload of people and decorating his house with their remains.  He would eat parts of their bodies, or use their skin as seat back covers or lampshades and he built a huge altar out of human skulls.  In his grandmother's house.  He would like invite his friends over to get high, and then rape them, chop their bodies up in the basement and melt their skin off in a tub of acid.  Once that was done, he would put their bones on his Christmas tree and keep their internal organs in formaldehyde jars in his refrigerator like they were Egyptian Pharaohs or something.  I thought it was fucked up the first time I saw a dead frog in a formaldehyde jar in Bio class, so I have no idea what it would have been like to be the cops who busted in and found all that shit. Dahmer used to try to create zombies by drilling holes in his still-living victims heads and pouring acid into their brains.  Then he would take pictures of it for "science" or whatever the hell his problem was.  He was like Young Frankenstein only not funny and with really bad hair and a complete psychosis problem.  What a fucked up dude.  Eventually after Dahmer got busted God came down to some random inmate and told him to kill that sick fuck and hang him from the railing in jail.  At least, that's the inmate's story. Sick Asshole Factor:  5.0 / 5.0 Piss Off the Cops Score:  3.0 / 5.0 Overall Detriment to Society Score:  4.0 / 5.0	Grr... I'm gonna eat your face!
Charles Manson Full Name:  Charles Krautmeyer Total Kills:  7 Arrested:    June 1970 Bio:  Charlie Manson was a folk music singer who named his entire philosophy for the universe after a Beatles song.  He thought that the black man would rise up and kill all the white people, but then they wouldn't be able to govern themselves so they would call on the white prophets of the future (Charlie, John, Ringo, Paul and George -- I'm not kidding) to lead them.  When his "Helter Skelter" plan didn't come true, he just was like, "well, whatever, fuck it" and starting killing all the white people himself.  He got a bunch of chicks to follow him around and stab people for him, which is pretty cool I guess.  I can't even convince Hot Andrea to do the dishes for me, so it's pretty impressive that Manson got a small army of chicks to get it on with him and murder random people for no reason at all. Manson finally got busted and the police didn't really buy that he was the Son of God or whatever, so they threw him in jail.  A lot of his gang members got pissed at him because he said they weren't going to get caught and they beat the hell out of him while his was in Folston Prison.  Charlie was like, "whatever" and got a new cult together to kill the guys who were messing with him and then he burned a swastika into his forehead.  Many years later, he inspired the lead singer of the band Marilyn Manson to take the name Manson after Charlie Manson, which was not actually his real name anyways (it was Krautmeyer).  Marilyn Manson produced one record and then plummeted into obscurity forever. Sick Asshole Factor:  4.0 / 5.0 Piss Off the Cops Score:  4.0 / 5.0 Overall Detriment to Society Score:  4.0 / 5.0	Grr... I'm crazy!
The Son of Sam Full Name:  David Berkowitz Total Kills:  6 Arrested:    Fall 1976 Bio:  The Son of Sam killed a bunch of dark haired women in New York in the Summer of 1976.  He was part of a secret Satan-worshipping gang called the "Four Pies" or something and they took orders from his pet golden retriever who was supposedly possessed by the Devil.  Satan Dog told David Berkowitz and his friends to kill people while they were making out. A really fucked up thing about me and the Son of Sam:  When I was in high school I had this mad crazy crush on a girl named Shaina Berkowitz, so whenever I hear the name "David Berkowitz" I think of her.  Probably not a healthy association, but it's one I make nonetheless. Sick Asshole Factor:  3.5 / 5.0 Piss Off the Cops Score:  3.0 / 5.0 Overall Detriment to Society Score:  3.0 / 5.0	Grr... I'm chubby!
Al Bundy Full Name:  Theodore "Al" Bundy Total Kills:  28 Arrested:    July 1979 Bio:  Ted Bundy was a guy who raped and killed a bunch of chicks on the campus of Florida State University in a sorority house near where I used to live.  One night when I was playing manhunt with some friends I ran past the Chi Omega Murder House wearing a camouflaged jacket and a black ski mask.  Probably bad taste, but whatever.  I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but looking back I probably should have been arrested. Al Bundy was the prototypical man, and his daughter was slutty and hot.  Plus Christina Applegate has a degree from Princeton so she's actually pretty smart as well.  Which is awesome. Sick Asshole Factor:  4.0 / 5.0 Piss Off the Cops Score:  3.0 / 5.0 Overall Detriment to Society Score:  3.5 / 5.0	Al's the king.