So last week I started my new job working at a University in the Boston area.  This job is cool because I have my own office with my name on the door, some employees working under me, a job in a department that I got one of my undergraduate degrees in, and I don't spend every afternoon seriously contemplating greasing myself up and leaping out of a fourth-story window into a swimming pool full of angry rabid hedgehogs while jamming bamboo chutes under my fingernails.  However, all good things have their downsides, and the trade-off here is that now I have to spend the majority of my day working directly with the Avatar of Satan himself, otherwise known as the Macintosh computer or as I like to call it, "my fucking piece of shit fucking Mac argh".

The last time I used a Mac was in fourth grade when I hammered the Space Bar on our school computer lab's Apple IIC version of The Oregon Trail to single-handedly simulate the slaughter of the entire buffalo population of the Midwest while my party members FUCK, SHIT and ASS broke their arms and died of typhoid fever, gonnorhea, the clap, and whatever it was they were spreading around those days.  This was fun for me, mostly because it was an upgrade over the Commodore 64 I was using at home, and the only real thing that I was trying to accomplish was the installation of an hilariously worded computer gravestone for my peers to find later and laugh about.  Nowadays however, I have important work that needs to get done and the only way to avoid being burned at the stake by a horde of angry diploma-less college students, over-stressed teaching assistants and underpaid professors is a ten pound hunk of plastic shit that I would rather jam pencils into my eyes than operate.  So this week I have decided to share with you the trials and tribulations of my two week-long epic struggle against this infernal machine constructed from the bones of defrocked priests and the brains of autistic laboratory rats, to give you several reasons why all the rumors you have heard are true and tell you exactly why Macs suck Evan Harvey's cock.

The first thing that really gives the Mac several points on the Evan Harvey Cock Suckability Scale (EHCSS) is one of the first things you notice when looking at the awkwardly-shaped and unfortunately teal-colored G3 tower;  there's no disk drive.  Sure, there's an external Zip drive, but who the fuck uses Zip disks anymore anyways?  I think in my entire life I've only seen about three real-life Zip disks, and that was when my Mac-owning ex-girlfriend was throwing them in the trash, claiming that "these things fucking suck ass" or something like that.  I don't remember; I could be making that last part up.  Either way, there is no way for me to transfer information from this computer to another one, especially considering that the CD drive is a damned black hole from which nothing can emerge.  I seriously put a PC-formatted CD filled with all the templates for my website pages into the CD drive last week and I haven't been able to access it or get it out since.  There's not even one of those little holes that you can jam a paper clip in and manually eject the disc.  That was like a week ago, and at this point I think I'm about ten minutes away from taking a pair of pliers to the CPU tower and going Dr. Mengele on it.  I mean, what's the point of having my own office if I can't download porn onto my hard drive and take it home with me?

Am I the only one that notices that the Mac OS X box
looks eerily similar to the DVD case for Malcom X?

All of the peripherals are too small for my large, masculine hands.  While I understand that not many people in America aren't like me and can't pop a basketball just by putting one hand around it and squeezing really hard, but the Mac's mouse is so tiny that I sometimes lose it underneath a Post-It note or behind my coffee mug or something.  It's almost like I need to operate it by pushing it around the mousepad with my index finger and clicking the one mouse button with my middle finger.  It's like I'm trying to operate Derek's cell phone in Zoolander.  Plus there's only one damn button on the mouse, which I'm sure is a complaint that has been beaten into the ground by now, but that I somehow feel like I need to comment on.  Honestly, why should I have to hold "Control" and click on something when I can just as easily use one finger to perform the same operation?  It's not like it's a plausibility issue, because PCs have had that option for decades, with no sign of stopping.  I guess they don't want to concede anything to Bill Gates or whatever, but it's a better idea;  suck it up and get with the times.  It's really enough to make me want to break my piece of shit mouse into a thousand tiny pieces, eat them, defocate them out, put that in an airtight container and fire it out into space.  I am a lazy man, and I want my equipment to facilitate my laziness.  It's just that simple.

The keyboard I'm using is missing some pretty freaking important keys as well, and I feel like for some reason I'm the only idiot who realizes that the "End", "Page Down" and "Insert" keys are utterly nonexistent on my tiny, piece of crap keyboard that I have to hit with a hammer to get it to register that I've typed anything.  Not like the extra keys would do anything anyways, since this stupid fucking operating system is so totally lacking in keyboard shortcuts or any sort of user-friendly interface.  I have to click so much crap on the screen with my impossibly tiny neon purple mouse that I think I'm going to get carpal tunnel syndrome or burst a blood vessel in my head or start randomly humping guys or something.  Plus, what's the deal with the stupid "Apple Key" anyways?  It's exactly the same thing as "Alt", so just fucking call it that already you pretentious puke buckets before I have to come down there and start busting skulls with my ginormous man hands.

All the shit I'm used to is changed around on the Mac.  It's almost as if the Apple brain trust got together one day and were like, "how can we make this really, really similar to windows, but just different enough to fucking piss Ben off?  Oh, I know!  We'll put the damned 'close window' button on the LEFT side of all the windows.  We'll be sure to leave a button at the top right side of the window though just to confuse him, but we'll make sure it doesn't do anything".  Bastards.  Plus, there's like a Start Menu type thing but they put it at the TOP of the screen just to fuck with me.  I swear to God I'm going to kill someone soon.

I probably don't need to mention the software issue either, but every program created for the Mac is inferior to it's PC counterpart, and every PC program that is halfway decent is nonexistent on the Mac. It's so freaking stupid.  There's like "Excel for Mac" and "Word for Mac", but they totally bite ass, and none of the keyboard shortcuts work and they steal your credit card number and use it to buy weight training equipment on Amazon.  I think I'd rather program BASIC into my Commodore while being eaten by cocker spaniels than use the stupid ass Mac Word that takes forever to load and absorbs a tiny piece of your soul every time you hit "Return".  Plus, I fucking HATE QUICKTIME.  It makes me want to KILL KILL KILL.  I'll tell you what, Mr. Quicktime Installer, when I want to upgrade to Quicktime Pro (which is never) I will FUCKING TELL YOU.  STOP ASKING ME, YOU GAY ASSHOLE.

Alright.  It has come to my attention that I need to stop this.  Thinking about how much my Mac sucks is pissing me off and that's not healthy for anyone.  The good news out of all of this is that I finally figured out how to update the site, so you can look forward to quality updates (not like this super-crappy one) in the near future.  See you jerks later.