I realize it’s been roughly 6 months since I last went to confession, but I’ve been too busy getting sick, being yelled at, and pimping my crappy writing to free newspapers in the greater Boston area.  Yes, my completely boring and not at all entertaining work can be found in various issues of the Bulletin newspapers, found in neighborhoods the world over.  Well, in Allston and Jamaica Plain anyway . And no, I’m not going to tell you which issues.  HA!

Enough of this nonsense.  You don’t care anyway.  You just want to be amused.  Let me tell you, you’re in the wrong place, bitch.

I made a startling and fantastic discovery over the non-denominational winter holidays this year.  It involves a particular substance and its ability to pass through solid matter.  This discovery will really put Boston on the map.  I am a goddamn genius.

Ok, that’s a complete lie.

I did, however, make an important discovery in the last few weeks:  Bubble tea is AWESOME!

For those of you who live in the dark reaches of the universe and haven’t heard of bubble tea, prepare to be educated!!  Bubble tea was first invented some time in the 80s at some odd little tea stand targeting young children in Taiwan.  Evidently, some crafty (and probably pedophile-esque) entrepreneur decided mixing fruit juice with tea would be a good way to get kids to drink tea.  The first bubble tea stand was set up by a female vendor and she simply mixed fruit juice with tea and shook it up, hence bubbles.  However, in 1983, bubble tea took a decidedly more perverse turn.

A man named Liu Han-Chieh decided to add his balls to the tea and continue selling to small children.  These balls are rather small and chewy.  The balls are allegedly made of tapioca, sweet potato, cassava root and brown sugar.  I think they’re actually some kind of crazy Asian drug, but I’ll talk more about that later.  Anyway, the little blackish-brownish balls are about the size of marbles and get sucked up thru the really fat straw you are provided with.

This concludes your history lesson.

Part II
Why bubble tea rocks my pants off

1.  Apparently, I like sucking balls
Now if any of my ex-boyfriends are reading this (doubtful, unless you’ve suddenly reincarnated) this may come as a surprise.  To spare you all, I will not elaborate further on this point.  Tapioca balls are tasty.  Plus, they’re surprisingly interesting in texture and consistency.  At this time, I will give you a list of reasons bubbles are better than balls: 

• they’re not wrinkly
• they’re not in close proximity to anyone’s ass
• they’re not hairy
• they don’t have an odd salty-musky flavor
• they don’t expect me to do pleasure them orally
• they don’t care if I bite them

2.  There is actually a somewhat dirty connotation to bubble tea!
In the extensive research I’ve done, I’ve found that the tapioca balls are also known as “boba,” which is Cantonese slang for “breasts,” because of the bubbles’ similar texture to a woman’s tits.  I’ve forced Amazing Ben on many occasions to partake of bubble tea with me and he has compared bubbles to breasts, offering the following pearls of wisdom:

• These are much chewier than breasts
• How would Asian people know what breasts feel like?
• I think I would freak out if your breasts tasted like this

There you have it, folks, “boba” is a misnomer, but the relationship between bubble tea and breasts makes it totally worth consuming.

3.  People stare you down when you drink it
It’s true.  Last week, I had to run from the Super 88 Lollicup stand to the T in order to get home, and I had a big honkin’ cup of strawberry snow with bubbles.  This middle-aged dude on the train totally stared at me the entire time I was on the train.  What the shit?  It wasn’t like a lecherous stare either, which I could almost understand.  He was looking at me as though I had ordered the tsunami to hit Southeast Asia and kill as many children as possible.  (See? Current event.)  And last night on the T, some chickenhead was way too interested in watching me suck down my Jasmine milk tea with bubbles.  I don’t know why she was so perversely obsessed with me drinking tea with black balls in it, but whatever.  Bitch.

4.  It comes in like a gajillion flavors
Lollicup Tea Zone, one of America’s leading purveyors of bubble tea, claims to have over 170 bubble tea drinks on its menu.  Eventually, I will try all of them.  So far, I’ve tried six.  My favorites so far are jasmine milk tea, strawberry snow, and honey milk tea.  None of them have been particularly gross yet.  Well, the watermelon was kind of nasty, but it was Amazing Ben’s brother’s drink.  So I didn’t have to drink it.  But I did try it.  So it counts.  Some of the more interesting flavors on Lollicup’s menu include:

• Coffee Jelly with Milk Tea
• Lychee Jelly Milk Tea
• Fruit Magic Tea
• Grass Jelly
• Red Bean Milk Juice
• Green Bean Milk Slush

I so wish I were making these up.  I’m not.

5.  They put a highly addictive drug in it that makes you crave it daily
I can’t verify this claim, but it’s the only way I can possibly explain it.  I am not a coffee drinker at all and I like tea, but I don’t obsessively drink it.  I don’t even drink coke every day like I used to.  But god damn, I want bubble tea all the time.  As a matter of fact, I got some Tuesday, yesterday and I will more than likely get it today.  It’s getting to be an expensive habit at $4 a cup.  It’s just so yummy . And for all the afore-mentioned reasons, I HAVE TO DRINK IT.  Then, there’s the crack.  I think those little “tapioca balls” at the bottom of the cup are crack.  Maybe opium.  I don’t know.  All I know is bubble tea makes me euphoric and I want it all the time.