The following is a speech prepared for a class on the topic of "Achievement".  One night during my Senior year at college, my friends and I all wanted to go out but our friend John had to write a speech for his class that was due the next morning.  Being the good friends that we are, we all decided to pitch in and help him with his homework so that we could all go play some drunken Playstation and jump off the roof of our house.  The following is a true story, and this speech was given to an auditorium of speech students towards the end of 2002.  It received a grade of "A".

We are here today to discuss achievement, achievement in an endeavor that has been at the forefront of all civilized societies since the beginning of time.  Man has always striven to better himself;  to improve upon what he has created, and to excel.  In this spirit, I would like to announce the following:  I have posted a score of eight million on the Foundry level in Tony Hawk three for the Playstation 2.

Now, I understand that this may be shocking for many of you.  How could one man, working alone, possibly achieve such an astronomical score?  Trust me friends, it is possible.  But this score has not been won easily.  No, I assure you, many hours of hard work;  toil and sacrifice went into the creation of such a magnificent and noble act.

I think it is important at this point to discuss how I reached this platitude of video skateboarding greatness.  I know that my actions may make me seem like a god or a superman, but let me assure you, I am a mere mortal.  Allow me to discuss the process which enabled me to become such a paragon of videogaming virtue.

It was from humble Tony Hawk 2 beginnings that I began my epic quest.  At the dawn of a new millenium, October of last year to be precise, I began to hone my basic videoskating skills on the primitive and earthy Sega Dreamcast.  I possessed such basic skills as manuals, transfers, and even the occasional Indy Nosebone or Roastbeef.  However, with an artisan’s patience and dedication I began to craft these basic skills into a greater work, a monument to the greatness of mankind. Eventually, my scores, as did my confidence and savvy, increased, I reached such early milestones as one hundred thousand, five hundred thousand, and even one million.

It became clear at this point that I was destined for skating greatness.  It was a blustery March day when, after weeks of incessant nagging, my roomate returned home with a copy of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater Three for the Playstation Two.  Instantly I was enraptured by its flashy graphics, unforgiving game control, and overall extreme-ness.  And it was then that I knew the path upon which my quest lay.

However, the “holy grail of skating” did not come easily.  I trained almost daily and was on a strict regiment of Guthrie’s Fried Chicken and Miller High Life — the Champagne of Beers.  As I came closer to my goal, the tension became thick in the apartment, like gravy.  Soon enough, the day of reckoning had come, and I realized that all of my preparation would be put to the ultimate test.  I began my run.

With ten seconds left to go in the run, my chances of success looked slim.  My roomates appeared dejected, with slumped shoulders.  My brother, a freshman, began to weep softly.  However, in this darkest hour of skating, my dedication and toil began to pay off.  As my combo score rose above 75, and I nailed rowley darkslide after one-wheeled nose manual after frontside overcrook, the one last glimmering ember of hope suddenly gusted into an inferno, a raging inferno of skating!  Dejection morphed instantly into uncontrollable ecstasy as I landed the trick and instantly secured a place for myself in the pantheon of videoskating greatness.  But now it is time to pass the torch.  I am but a withered and broken-down skater.  Yes, I appear young and vibrant, but trust me, the countless hours of skating have taken their toll.  It is time for another to rise up and push the scoring ceiling to a new and dizzying high.  I challenge all of you here today to rise to this challenge.  Go forth, and make a name for yourself in the realm of video skateboarding.  Follow in my footsteps.  This is fucking gay.  I am out of here.