Greetings once again, my most esteemed and respected friends and website viewers.  It has been a great while since you have had any insight into the goings-on in the life of The Corporate Ninja and there is much to tell, as corporate life is a fast-paced and exciting world.  Sometimes however, even a master of meditation such as myself can get a bit too caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily office life, and the resulting stress brought upon my spirit can result in the unneccesary decapitation or humiliation of otherwise diligent employees and the wanton destruction of company property for no reason at all.  To prevent this sort of thing, I decided last week to construct a Feng Shui Zen Garden in the office where myself and other employees would be able to relax and attain spiritual harmony, provided they do it on their break and don't fucking try that shit on company time or I'll attain spiritual harmony on their faces with my fist.

      Since our office is located on the fourth floor of a building in a major metropolitan area with no roof access, our first challenge was to find an appropriate location to begin construction of the garden.  As luck would have it, our HR Coordinator showed up exactly seventy-five seconds late to work on Tuesday so I fired her immediately and had her forcibly escorted from the premesis by security while she complained about how she was late because she was going into labor or some crap like that.  Everything in her office was burned and we were finally ready to begin work on the garden and attain some goddamned peace and harmony.  That afternoon I used my ultimate ninja skills to hotwire the Vice President's Porsche and go out to the local Home Depot to purchase about fifty tons of rocks, trees, potting soil and other Feng Shui crap, which I dumped out into the recently-vacated office.  I then slashed open all the bags of soil and when Jim from Accounting asked me what I was doing I promptly conscripted him into forced labor.  I had him start building the garden while I whipped him with his belt and activated the room's fire control sprinklers to simulate returning to nature and working in a hostile environment.

I did all the difficult managing and taunting while he simply dug a hole with his hands.

      Once Jim finally passed out from exhaustion while trying to plant my bonzai harmony relaxation trees, I went out and got my useless dipshit asshole assistant Jason to put together a project team and complete this work.  Being the incompetent fruitbag moron that he is, he of course had no idea what I was talking about.  Even after I threatened to spoon-feed him his own testicles, he continued to just stare blankly at me and stammer about, asking me what Feng Shui was and why the hell there was potting soil all over the place.  Since I don't want to fire him and go through the hassle of hiring a new personal assistant even though the one I have now is more useless than three semester hours of Ethics class are to a Business Administration major, I decided not to fire Jason but rather to just smash him in the face with a shovel and tell him to start planting the harmony trees while I tried to capture more employees to help out on this job.

      I knew that retardo-bot stick boy weakling feminine-hands Jason would never be able to accomplish such a monumental task on his own, I decided to stake out the employee kitchen for anyone that didn't seem too busy so that I could get them to come and give him a hand and help realize my glorious vision.  After hiding behind the counter and waiting for a little while, I noticed that Bob and Lisa from Accounts Payable were spending an awful lot of valuable company time just standing around in the kitchen playing grabass and talking about where the good bars were in town. I figured that it was safe to assume that they had nothing better to do, since if they were really buried in important work there was no way they could just stand around like dumbasses, yammering away about how drunk they were last night or something else totally unrelated to Accounts Payable.  Since the company was paying them whether they built a kickass zen garden or bullshitted about meaningless irritating crap, I decided the time was right for me to leap out from behind the kitchen counter and shoot them with my wrist-launched tranquilizer darts.

Next time, leave your personal lives at home!

      I dragged the temporarily-comatose bodies onto the work site and with a couple new conscripts and expert direction on my part, the Feng Shui garden was completed by the close of business that day.  With a new temple to spirtuality and harmony constructed in place of the over-cluttered office of our bitchy HR coordinator, I finally had a place at work where I could sit back on my lunch break with a nice cup of hyper-caffeinated coffee, reflect on the events of the day and contemplate what actions I could take to become a more effective member of our corporate environment.  I also like to go there in the mornings to collect my thoughts and mediate before Jason shows up and his fucking dumbass ineptitude at life sends my blood pressure into the 160 "heart attack" range.  Overall, I am very pleased with the way the Feng Shui Zen Garden ended up, except for the fact that we accidentally buried Jim alive during construction.  Luckily, he eventually managed to claw his way out of an early grave a couple days later so the company was spared an enormous lawsuit and I was able to keep my job long enough to appreciate the spritual harmony one can attain from trying to drown an incompetent employee in a three-inch deep indoor stream comprised entirely out of water stolen from the company water cooler.

      Every once in a while some damn fool comes up with the idea that they have something that's so incredibly important that they feel the need to disturb me in my Zen Garden, which is something I frown upon.  If  I'm on my fifteen minute break and an concentrating deeply on the fourth quarter returns, I don't want to be hassled by some dumbass bonehead employee busting into my sanctuary and yelling that the copy machine is broken or the telephones are down and I need to call the repair guys or something.  To combat this, I have used my advanced managerial training problem-solving skills and adopted the strategy of jamming people who bother me during my break head-first into a hollowed-out tree trunk and leaving them there until it's time for me to return to work.  At that point, I will listen to what they have to say.  If it is important, I take care of it immediately;  if it isn't, then that person is bitch-slapped twice by the receptionist, their computer's hard drive is formatted and the contents of their desks are burned and the ashes are flushed down the toilet.

Catching some harmony in the Zen Garden.

      Well, that's about all I have time for today.  I hope you have all enjoyed my account of the construction of the local place of harmony, and perhaps maybe I have inspired you with some ideas for how to remodel your offices.  I will hopefully be making more frequent appearances on this site, assuming that fucking asshole Amazing Ben stops getting paranoid that I'm going to steal the spotlight and lets me write some more awesome stories for you.  Until then, remember to remain calm as long as possible before flipping out and killing the fuck out of anyone who fails you.