Not that I care, but I'm sure that many of you know me as a happy-go-lucky, mild-mannered pseudo-internet humorist who doesn't give a crap about anything or anyone, calls everyone "dude" and everything "awesome" and who urinates out rainbows and bunny rabbits, but it's a little known fact that there is actually a lot of shit that fucking pisses me off.  Since I've been having a pretty serious case of pseudo-internet humorist writer's block (which is high on the list of shit that irritates me) over the last couple of weeks, I suppose that this is as good a time as any to share with you, my captive audience, all the kick-in-the-nuts things that drive to the point where I want to pull out my eyes, dip them in cold yogurt and throw them at people, and then douse those people in lighter fluid and set them ablaze.

• Fans of New York Sports Teams
  

        The worst thing about New York isn't that it's a shithole.  Or that it sucks.  No, it's the people.  And in particular the people who either play sports for New York teams or the people who are fans of people who play sports for New York teams.  Obviously the Yankees top this list, since the vast majority of the organization's fans, staff and players are directly connected to Satan on a personal and intimate level and are also addicted to Oxycontin, caffeine and unnecessarily violent human sacrifices.  Even worse than this is that no matter how much these New Yorkers love their crappy town or crappy team, fans of the Yankees, Jets, Knicks and other New York teams that suck all eventually find the need to move away from New York to some other town for the sole purpose of harassing people and informing anyone stupid enough to engage them in conversation of how far superior New York teams and their fans are.  I guess it's like the jackass retard equivelant of Mormon missionary work or a pilgrimage to Mecca.

          When I lived in the Miami area, Jets fans would always be hanging out at the Dolphins bars on Sunday, booing the 'fins and cheering whatever team they were playing against, while saying clever and insightful things like "Move the chains!" every time the opposing team would get a first down.  When the game ended, these jerks would talk to all the Dolphins fans about how much better New York is and how Miami sucks and Florida sucks, but would never bother to explain why the fuck they left the great Shangri-la of New York even though it's apparently like all you can eat chicken wings and free handjobs twenty-four hours a day to go to Florida, which is obviously nonstop kicks to the balls with a steel-toed boot every time you step foot outside your house.  Now despite the fact that I got into a couple of altercations while trying to stop my harcore Dolphins-loving friends from being choked to death by New Yorkers, I didn't really give a shit since I've always been a die-hard Philadelphia Eagles fanatic.  I just figured that once I left the sunny confines of Coral Springs for the frozen tundra of Boston I wouldn't have to deal with irritating New York fans anymore.  Foolish, I know, though I could never have predicted my intense love of Red Sox baseball and indescribable hatred for everything Yankees.

  
  
  Asshole Giambi.
  
  

        I know I've mentioned this before, but I fucking hate the Yankees.  Their fan base in Boston is far bigger than it should be.  Part of me chalks this up to "Chicago Bulls Syndrome", i.e. the way that in the 90's everyone and their grandmother was a Bulls fan solely because of the fact that they won every single championship for every sport ever created for ten straight years, but I also believe a great deal of these Boston Yankees fans are actually legitimate.  Either way, they piss me off with their assholish tomfoolery and should all be slapped really hard in the face with a huge slap of pepperoni and then launched into the Sun with a impractically enormous medieval catapult or rubber band or something.  In my travels, I have observed two main types of asshole Yankees fans, which I will describe for you here.

  1. Hardcore Asshole Yankees Fans:  These are your typical jackass New York fans, who love the negative attention they get whenever they go to a Boston bar and cheer against the Sox, and who throw broken bottles and dead animals at Manny Ramírez when he makes a leaping catch at the wall in Yankees Stadium.  These are the guys who love to chant "1918" at games and will harass you nonstop if they catch you on the New York Subway wearing a Sox hat, cruelly saying such horrible and spiteful things as "Babe Ruth" and "Mickey Mantle", sort of like the Knights That Say "Ni" if they were all a bunch of angry drunken New Yorkers high on Vicodin with severe chemical imbalances of the brain, retarded speech impediments and major attitude problems.  While I suppose it's a really serious insult in New York if you say the names of people who were dead over twenty years before you were born, it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense to me.  The only thing that really makes me mad is that there are Yankees fans talking to me.  But whatever.  I suppose next time I hear that I'll be like, "W.E.B. DuBois!  Otto von Bizmarck!" or "Pope Pius IV!"

  2. Pretentious Asshole Yankees Fans:  My theory is that both types of Yankees fans are actually the same people, and that they just take different tactics depending on how the season is going.  When the Sox are hot and the Yankees are losing, the Hardcore Asshole Yankees Fans are nowhere to be seen and the Pretentious Asshole Yankees Fans come out of the woodwork.  These nutjobs love to talk about how irritating and angry Sox fans are, and always say pretetntious asshole-type things like, "Well, Yankees fans aren't like that.  We're far more civilized", which roughly translates into, "We don't have anything to cheer about, so we're just going to try to make you feel like an asshole for giving us shit".  They also like to make outrageous claims like, "In Boston you can't walk down the street in a Yankees hat without getting beat up.  In New York you can walk through the Bronx in a full Red Sox uniform and a KKK hood on and a sign around your neck saying 'I heart Osama bin Laden' on it in human blood and no one will even look twice".  Note:  This is not true.  New York fans are the worst.  Except, of course, for Boston fans.
  
  
  Asshole fans.
  
  
  
• Single Pregnant Teachers
  

        Apparently, there's some Senator in South Carolina who is currently running on a platform that aims to prevent homosexuals and pregnant single women living in sin from teaching in public schools.  In this CNN article he mentions that he believes anyone who could either become pregnant outside of marriage or not ever become pregnant at all due to scientific impossibility is a serious moral threat to the children of America, because it's a little known fact that for every single woman who gets knocked up fifteen children choke to death on kittens and every time someone "comes out" to their family a heterosexual couple is violently murdered by street performers and gang members.

        I firmly support barring single pregnant women from the teaching industry for several reasons, none of which is anything even close to what Senator McDumbass mentioned.  For three years of High School my Homeroom/Spanish teacher was Miss Corso, a super-hot, raven-haired sultry vixen who was really the only reason to go to school in the first place, especially when she wore that dress that was just see-through enough for you to feel like you could see something if you really tried but opaque enough to where you still wanted more.  The most cherished possession of my high school career was a pass she gave me once where she filled out "Miss Corso's car" in the "To:" section and "Get box" in the "Reason for Pass:" section.  I held onto that thing until it deteriorated into nothing, and took every possible opportunity to show off the fact that I "got box" in "Miss Corso's car" and that she signed for it.  If she had somehow contracted that vile STD of pregnancy, it would have totally killed my entire high school experience.  There are precious few unmarried hot single teachers out there, so millions of hormonally-charged adolescent boys need to have something to go to school for and look forward to adulthood for... but those reasons become even more few and far between if we as Americans allow our hot unmarried teachers to go about getting pregnant like hussies.  So in conclusion, I'm against it.  Think of the children.... it's necessary to their development to be able to at least cling to the desperate hope that they may one day have a chance of scoring with their sexy single teacher.

  
  
  Asshole Senator.
  
  
  
• The Crazy Guy Who Lives Downstairs in My Apartment
  

        There's a guy who lives downstairs in my apartment who is fucking nuts.  He is always standing outside in his denim shirt with his huge aviator glasses and some sort of military hat, and whenever anyone walks past him he makes sure to look up at the sky and avoid all eye contact whatsoever.  Everyone in our building has a story about this whackjob.

        When Andrea and I were moving into our apartment, we propped the doors open so that it would be easier to get all our shit in the building, and he came out and told us that we couldn't hold the door open because he had a stalker who lived in the next building and who "knew everything about him" and was knocking on his window in the middle of the night and trying to kill him or some other crazy thing.  Having decided that it was best not to argue with a guy who looked so much like Dale from King of the Hill with really bad teeth, Andrea and I just made due with pulling the doors open and trying to muscle our futon inside, while this jackass just stood outside and watched us, secretly mocking our dumbassitude.  Later that day, we noticed that there was a group of college chicks moving in.  Dale (our name for him, his real name is still undetermined and we don't care enough to find out) was like, "Oh, let me help you with that because I'm fucking crazy", so he went into his apartment and emerged minutes later with an armful of his custom wooden door props, which he used to hold the door open for them.

  If that weren't enough, the guy routinely refuses packages from UPS that are intended for other tenants.  If he's standing outside when the delivery guy comes, and he always is since his favorite hobby is apparently watching invisible airplanes battle cloaked flying dragons in crazyland in the middle of the sky, he'll send the delivery guys right away unless you manage to run outside and chase the UPS truck down the street as it drives away.  I was talking to one guy who lived upstairs from me and he said Dale has tried about fifteen times to give him an electronic paper shredder because Dale said "he had a million of them in his apartment".  Occasionally people put their old furniture downstairs in the entryway to the building, and I'm convinced that Dale steals it all and puts it in his apartment.  What a nutbar.

  
  
  Asshole neighbor.
  
  
  
• When I Accidentally Cut Off My Cock and a Dog Eats It
  

        This happened to some guy in Bulgaria or some shit and take it from me, it's a real pain in the ass.  I fucking hate it when I'm running around in the middle of the night like a dumbass trying to kill chickens and then I accidentally whack my dong off with a butcher knife because like a retard I thought it was a chicken neck and then my dog runs up and eats it because my dog is a total bitch and is totally out to get me.  I can't even tell you how many times this has happened to me, and it never gets any easier.  That fucking dog.  I shake my fist at it in disdain!

  
  
  Asshole dog.
  
  
• Bobby Flay
  

        If Bobby Flay was one-tenth as cool as he seems to think he is there would be a soft drink named after him and people would worship at the altar of his shitty Food Network shows.  Unfortunately, he's a total bozo asshole human teabag target and Iron Chef Japanese Morimoto needs to just wing a fifteen-inch Ginsu blade through his brain and put us all out of his misery.  Bobby Flay is so fucking smug with his standing-on-the-cutting-board antics and his crappy knock-off "Iron Chef America" and "Country Barbecue starring Bobby Flay and some Drunken Hicks" bullshit craphole TV shows that only piss me off because they don't feature slow motion instant-replay of someone flipping a pan of flaming llama gall bladders in Kitchen Stadium while floor correspondent Ota lists all the disgusting ingredients that actually comprise Chen Kenichi's super-secret "drive-in sauce".  The only meaningful contribution Bobby Flay could ever make to society would be if he were to slip while he's chopping chicken necks and lop off his nuts so Emeril Legasse can sauteé them and feed them to Bulgarian dogs in the middle of the night.  Ba-Bam!  Then maybe they'll both fall into a vat of squids, crab eggs and fire ants and end up as the special ingredient in the next episode of the hardcore original Iron Chef.  Chairman Kaga could then kick their asses with his lightning attack and Sakai could make a delectable frapeé ice cream made up of frog testicles, seaweed and Bobby Flay's brains.  Man, Cannibalism rules.

  I don't even remember what I was talking about.  Oh yeah.  Bobby Flay.  He sucks.

Asshole Bobby Flay.

      I hate a lot of other stuff, too, but I don't feel like writing about it any more.  My damn fingers hurt from all this typing because being such an angry hermit loser is a lot more work that you would think and now I'm developing carpal tunnel syndrome and herpes of the eye.  On top of that, I don't care enough about you jerks to play through the pain and take it to the limit or to the Xtreme.  Soon I hope to kick this rut I'm in of crappy updates and writer's block, but until then you can all collectively bite my ass.