It's a proven fact that two out of every three people you meet are terrorists.  Political scientists and televangelists have provided absolute evidence that there are indeed terrorists in the grocery stores, terrorists riding on the ferris wheel and terrorists eating day-old mashed potatoes in their dining rooms in America as we speak, just biding their time until they have to opportunity to attack our innocent, blameless, universally infallible and morally superior country with their magical weapons of mass destruction.  Terrorists hate us for a number of stupid reasons that we'll never understand, but mostly they hate us for believing in freedom and human rights and because we call futbol "soccer" and soccer "lame".  Since all these things are completely true, we can never consider ourselves safe, as would be indicated by the fact that the government terror threat level has never been less than "Elevated" or why the Amazing Ben Terror-O-Meter dial is permanently stuck on "Flip the Fuck Out".  But have no fear, my friends!  A couple of months ago I did a special guide on how to survive a nuclear attack, where I expounded upon advice offered by my friends at Ready.gov.  Together we compiled the definitive handbook on how to walk away from an atomic blast with little more than a few scratches and a large bucket of ultranationalism.  Well today I decided to continue my efforts to enlighten and protect the population of our great nation with a guide on how to survive an attack by chemical weapons.  I am one hundred percent certain that you will find this update to be exciting, useful, informative and not at all lame or boring.

Step One:	Step Two:	Step Three:
Ready.gov Says: A chemical attack is the deliberate release of a toxic gas, liquid or solid that can poison people and the environment.	Ready.gov Says: Watch for signs such as many people suffering from watery eyes, twitching, choking, having trouble breathing or losing coordination.  Many sick or dead birds, fish or small animals are also cause for suspicion.	Ready.gov Says: If you see signs of a chemical attack, quickly try to define the impacted area or where the chemical is coming from, if possible.
Amazing Ben Says: Who the fuck left the beaker with the biohazard sign on it uncorked?  Seriously, Americans are getting way too lazy.  I think the random floating numbers are symbolic of the fact that math and science are totally screwing us over yet again.	Amazing Ben Says: If every living thing around you is slowly and painfully dying a horrible and agonizing death, you should be past the "suspicion" phase and full-on into the "running like a bitch" phase.  People around you stumbing and lacking coordination could just mean that you're in my apartment.	Amazing Ben Says: If you're seeing swirly shit and a huge random pile of dead birds and fish, stop for a second and ponder whether your either under attack from terrorists or just having a really bad acid trip.

"Hooooray Anthrax!"

Step Four:	Step Five:	Step Six:
Ready.gov Says: Take immediate action to get away from any sign of a chemical attack.  If the chemical is inside a building where you are, try to get out of the building without passing through the contaminated area, if possible.  Otherwise, it may be better to move as far away from where you suspect the chemical release is and "shelter-in-place."	Ready.gov Says: If you are outside when you see signs of a chemical attack, you must quickly decide the fastest way to get away from the chemical threat.	Ready.gov Says: Consider if you can get out of the area or if it would be better to go inside a building and follow your plan to "shelter-in-place."
Amazing Ben Says: Leave the Biohazard concert immediately.  They have always sucked.	Amazing Ben Says: Yeah, news flash dipshits:  don't walk into the toxic orange cloud where everything is dying.  In fact, if you can't figure this one out for yourself you deserve to cough up a lung or two.  Maybe that will put some damned sense in your head.	Amazing Ben Says: According to Ready.gov, a "shelter-in-place" is a tiny room you seal yourself into by covering all doors, fans and vents with a plastic sheet duct taped over them.  They recommend you watch TV while everyone outside you dies violently.  I'm going to go a step further than that and say that all Americans should seal themselves into "shelters-in-place" and never come out for any reason ever.  Sure, you'll get bored if you forgot your Xbox, but at least you won't be killed by terrorists!

"I don't know what these things are for.  I've been eating them."

Step Seven:	Step Eight:	Step Nine:
Ready.gov Says: If your eyes are watering, your skin is stinging, you are having trouble breathing or you simply think you may have been exposed to a chemical, immediately strip and wash. Look for a hose, fountain, or any source of water.	Ready.gov Says: Wash with soap and water, if possible, but do not scrub the chemical into your skin.	Ready.gov Says: Seek emergency medical attention.
Amazing Ben Says: For once, I actually agree with the government on something.  Stripping should be the cure for just about anything.  In fact, if you are a hot chick you should immediately strip even if you don't think you've been exposed to toxic chemicals.	Amazing Ben Says: Don't let the fact that your arm fell off and you're hacking up a lung stand in the way of your OCD.	Amazing Ben Says: Way to go.  You're fucking dead.  Good work, asshole.  You are a complete failure as a human being and you have let your family and your country down.  You will be hatefully remembered forever in the annals of history.

      Well, it shouldn't suprise me that this update came out just about as shitty as the last time I tried this.  There is no end to my ability to write crappy punch-out articles when I leave myself less than an hour to write them.  Next week, maybe I'll have something that's actually interesting or funny.  Until that time, start building your shelters-in-place and stay away from toxic chemicals.  And remember, when in doubt strip naked and hose yourself down.