-- The Lamest States --
Update 3 September 2004 by
J. Catfood
I have driven thousands of miles in the last three years. It started in April of 2001 when over a weekend I drove from Tallahassee, Florida to Syracuse, New York to visit some scientists. Then June 2002 I drove with Amazing Ben and Hot Andrea from New York to Tampa, Florida, across the south, up the west coast to Seattle. Later that Summer I Drove across the northern part of the country back to New York. In the winter of 2002, The Admiral and I drove from New York, down to Florida, stopping in several amazing places in between. Summer 2003 I did a cross-country trip with Eliza, but that time through the middle of the country, to Washington again. And Back to New York. In the Winter of 2003 Adam and I drove from New Orleans to Atlanta, then to Nashville and Memphis and up to Detroit. Summer 2004 I Drove to Portland, Oregon from Providence, Rhode Island, again with Eliza. And then back to New York. This is more miles than I can count. Also, I destroyed one car doing it, so I can’t just read the odometer.
The point I am trying to make in this long-ass rambling statement is that I have driven farther in the last year than most of you. I have been in 47 of the 50 states. The 3 that I have not been to are Hawaii, Alaska and Oklahoma. I expect that I might take a trip to visit my girlfriend in Hawaii this year, The Society for the Study of Evolution meeting is in Alaska next year.
What about Oklahoma, you ask? Well, I was wondering that myself, but I could not even think of a reason to ever go to Oklahoma. I would probably go there just to cross it off my list, but it is so far away that my stupid little list does not really justify it. Oklahoma is totally lame. There is no reason for anybody to go there. EVER.
I was pondering this as I drove across Ohio. There’s a whole mess of states that have very little point. I am not saying that they don’t serve some purpose somewhere - I am just saying that for hyper-cool bad-ass bastards like me, there is no reason to ever step foot into them.
I present here a list of the 10 Lamest States. States whose residents I pity. States that I would not venture into if I could help it.
Starting with:
#10: Pennsylvania.
Anyone who has ever tried to drive from New York to anywhere has probably had to drive through Pennsylvania. They know that it is practically never-ending, and ceaselessly boring. Pennsylvania is famous for Hershey’s Chocolate, Inbreeding and Senator Rick Santorum (that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex). What else does Pennsylvania have? Crime-ridden Philadelphia and the urban blight known as Pittsburgh.
#9: Ohio.
After hours and hours of driving down the Hershey highway, while pursued by the inbred hicks of Pennsylvania, I was happy to leave. Until I realized that I was entering Ohio. Usually regions dense populations have diversity, culture and great education systems. I labored under this misimpression until I went through Ohio. With so many people you would think that there would be something interesting somewhere. No. Just a bunch of fat, white families with like 5 kids each in their minivans and SUVs.
#8: North Dakota.
When I drove through North Dakota I knew what the world was going to look like after the Apocalypse. Barren, dry scalded earth. Is it any coincidence that their capital city is named after either a German autocrat and dubious sexual practice?
#7: Iowa.
Wow. They have corn.
After several hours of corn, I think I finally got the point.
#6: Connecticut.
Basically, all that Connecticut has going for it is that it is between Boston and New York City. I think all that Connecticut serves as is one of the biggest, worst suburbs I can think of, except that it still takes hours to actually make it to the city. If Connecticut was picked up and dropped somewhere else, it would be totally worthless.
#5: Nebraska.
Nebraska is basically Iowa, but with a good zoo at one end. It would be considered less lame than Iowa, but it is like 200 miles longer, so it takes way longer to drive through and I got much more sick of it. Also, they have this stupid University with a stupid football team. Their mascot: the Cornhuskers. Do I really have to say anything else?
#4: Oklahoma.
I bet you thought since I mentioned this in the introduction, it was going to be number 1. Well, as I mentioned I have never been there, so I cannot accurately judge its status as lame. However, I can find no reason to go there, and that is lame in and of itself. Oklahoma is famous for the “Dustbowl” and the “Trail of Tears”. I would cry to if I was made to march for months, only to be stuck in Oklahoma.
#3: Wyoming.
Okay, so Wyoming has NOTHING. There is not even corn there. People will say, “Yellowstone! The Grand Tetons!” Well, Yellowstone is practically in Montana and The Tetons are practically in Utah or Colorado or Idaho, or whatever the fuck is on that side of Wyoming. Every time I have been to Wyoming it has just been miserable. So many hours of nothing just left us depressed and ready for civilization. (Additionally, Dick Cheney is from Wyoming. I hate that guy).
#2: Kansas.
You know a state is lame when the big city with the state’s name is not even in that state. What if I told you I was from Florida City, Georgia. You would probably kick me in disgust. That’s Kansas’ story anyway. Their city is in Missouri. This state is so full of inbred farm folk that their board of education can never get anything right. First, their board of education tried to stick to “Separate but equal” until they got their cross-eyed asses handed to them by Thurgood Marshall, and then like 40 years later, they removed Evolution from their state biology curriculum (Never go to a doctor in Kansas).
And, the #1 Lamest state is:
Missouri!
Okay, so first off what does Missouri have? Three things: A 600 foot tall Aluminum arch, a big city named after a different state and the headquarters of a nasty light beer company. Missouri has basically all the bad features of the southern US, like racism, intolerance and bad education, but none of the Southern charm or hospitality.
One time, in a rare good move on the part of Missouri’s population, they elected a dead man to the senate. This was seen as a more acceptable alternative to the corpse’s opponent, John Ashcroft. Another time, in a state-wide referendum the good citizens of Missouri voted to insert discrimination and inequality into their state constitution. They thought that they were “saving” the sacred institution of marriage. What they were really doing was ensuring their spot at number one on this list of the lamest states.
I was going to include a list of honorable mentions, and include some other states that are lame (New Jersey, Delaware, West Virginia), but thinking about Missouri and Kansas has gotten me angry. Have you noticed that a lot of these lame-ass states are republican strongholds? Do us all a favor, America, and elect progressive public officials, please.
States to avoid.
Someday I might make a list of the coolest cities I can think of.
Remember kids, I am an authority on this subject. I am an expert!
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