| Update 16 July 2004 by Amazing Ben |
| -- I Could Totally Take Ryan Philippe -- |
| Well it's been a couple of weeks since you've been treated to an Amazing Ben post, but rest assured that I was not resting on my laurels or doing any actual work or anything like that. No, I've been working on some upgrades to the website, which may or may not be obvious. First off, the links section was getting really crazy so I just decided to remove all of those websites that lose their appeal after five minutes and just do a "Link of the Week" section off to the left. Every week I'll showcase two links that you will visit once and be done with forever. Just in case you miss anything, I'll be saving all the links in an archived links section. As far as other stuff, I added a couple more countries to the search terms section and a new profile or two. The big addition however is the Reviews by Luke section. In an effort to expand my boundaries I've added a feature that will be updated rather frequently in which BLT will review a crappy movie and then give you his take on it. This week he battles egomania and ninjas in a review of The Last Samurai. Be sure to check that out. Now, on to the update: |
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| Amazing Ben |
| Ryan Philippe |
| A couple of years ago I was watching the movie Cruel Intentions with my at the time girlfriend. Now towards the end of the movie there's a moderately retarded fight scene in which main character/teen heartthrob Ryan Philippe gets involved in some old-school fisticuffs with a guy that I can't remember anything about. The end result is pretty hilarious as they both wind up so far before punching that they look like cartoon characters. It's roughly equivelant to how Popeye swings his arm around in three or four circles before trying to punch someone. The sight of this ridiculousess made me start laughing, much to the dismay of my Ryan Philippe-loving girlfriend, who was obviously far more into the movie that I was. As I tried to explain my position, a conversation ensued in which she told me that she thought Ryan Philippe could kick my ass. Naturally as an egomaniac I was a little upset by this, but for the most part I realized that it was just being said out of anger and it obviously wasn't something that she believed. I mean, how could she? Just look at me, I'm totally cut! Besides, it usually takes a while for girls I'm dating to realize that the only way to appease me is to just go along with my outrageous claims so that I'll shut up about it. Anyways, I was in a friend's crowded dorm room later that afternoon and I happened to bring up this conversation. I asked the room in general, "So who do you think would win in a fight between me and Ryan Philippe?". To my shock and awe, the response I got was a general "well..." said in the manner that people say things when they're about to tell you something that they know you don't want to hear. Well that was it. For the next four years I refused to drop the issue, as would be evidenced by the fact that I have probably asked this question of every single person I have ever known and Ryan Philippe has become my arch-nemesis despite the fact that I have never met him and that I don't even really dislike him as an actor or a person. So today I have decided to end this once and for all with a totally unbiased article comparing our strengths and weaknesses in an effort to finally determine who would be the victor of this epic battle between two skinny ass bitches. |
| Vital Stats: |
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| Amazing Ben Age: 24 Height: 6'2" Weight: 165lbs Born: Philadelphia, PA |
| Advantage: Ben I'm going to go ahead and just call this one for Amazing B. I've got five years and six inches on him plus the fact that I was born in Philly makes me a hardass, kind of like Rocky or Will Smith in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I won't type out the Fresh Prince lyrics here, but the theme song to that show is pretty much like the soundtrack to my life except that I ended up in Florida instead of California and there was no Carlton. It's really only a small detail that I was born there was because my father didn't want me to be born in New Jersey and drove my mom across the bridge so she could have me in Philly. Ryan is from Delaware, which sucks. |
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| Ryan Philippe Age: 29 Height: 5'9" Weight: ? Born: New Castle, DE |
| Training/Background: |
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| Advantage: Even For a long time I was confident in my ability to take Ryan, since I have a pretty extensive martial arts background. I spent six years studying American Kenpo (both Parker and Tracy systems) as well as a style of Chinese/Korean Kenpo mixed with some Taijistu/Jujitsu grappling techniques. I competed in several martial arts competitions throughout Florida and was pretty successful, building a nice collection of sparring, kata, and weapon demonstration trophies and medals. I spent a couple years working as an instructor of the Tracy System of American Kenpo and was on my dojo's demonstration team. However, while doing research for this article I discovered that Ryan Philippe actually has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, which complicates things slightly. I couldn't find a whole lot of information on his martial arts training, mostly because I didn't want to get caught by my boss intently reading some sixteen-year old girl's "I Love Ryan Philippe" webpage, so I can't really elaborate on that. So instead of boring the piss out of all of you with a sprited debate as to which style is better or whether or not Tae Kwon Do sucks, I'll just call this one a draw. |
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| Sex Appeal: |
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| Advantage: Ryan Philippe So while I happen to think that I'm the most attractive guy who has ever lived, I have also noticed that there are far more fan sites devoted to the physical attractiveness of Ryan Philippe then there are for Ben Thompson. In fact, it may come as a suprise that this is the only Amazing Ben fansite I could find out there, and it's not even that good, nor is it written by an adolescent girl. So while I still blame this on my lack of exposure I have to concede it nonetheless. Perhaps my following will increase once I get out there and spend more time exposing myself to young girls. Now I know that sex appeal shouldn't really determine the winner of a fistfight. However, there are several combat intangibles related to physical attractiveness. Being an exceptionally good looking male, Ryan obviously understands that he can take a couple of shots to the jaw and still remain desirable to members of the opposite sex. On the other hand, I can't really stand to lose a whole lot here so I'm much more prone to throw my hands up and shout my battle cry of "Not the Face!", effectively making my non-face areas very vulnerable and throwing me off my guard. Of course I would do this because there's no point to winning a fight if you're hideous by the end of it. Then everone loses. |
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| Girlfriend Factor: |
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| Advantage: Ben If professional wrestling has taught me anything it's that you're only as good as the people who accompany you to the fight. A good partner can mean the difference between getting hit with a roll of quarters and beating the other guy down with a garbage can, assuming your friend manages to run-in at the right time. In this respect, you only have to look at these pictures to tell that this situation results in advantage Ben. Reese Witherspoon seems to me to be a very shy and delicate girl, and she is not neccesarily known for her mean streak. Andrea is the kind of chick that would run in and brain someone in the back of the head with a folding chair and not even give a crap. She'd probably even turn the chair on Reese after she was finished bailing me out, just for the hell of it. Andrea's mean streak and propensity for always wearing combat boots definitely defeats the fragile and occassionaly-pregnant Reese. |
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| The X-Factor: |
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| Advantage: Ben The X-factor is the dirt-in-the-eyes, kick-in-the-balls aspect that comes into effect in many confrontations. It inidicates how low you would stoop to emerge victorious and represents all the intangibles, such as lack of sportsmanship, desire to win and general dickheadedness. Aside from the fact that my motto for life is "Cheat to Win" I feel as though I would probably have the advantage in this category as well. I mean, I've jumped of roofs, lit parts of myself on fire and otherwise endangered my life for no good reason. Once I even slashed J. Matt with a butterfly knife just because he asked me to when we were drunk. I chose this picture to illustrate that. First off, I'm doing a skateboard trick which is totally rad and xtreme to the max. Secondly, the "X" on the ground there represents the exact location of Dealy Plaza in Dallas, TX where John F. Kennedy received his fatal headshot. If doing a Kennedy exploded head-plant doesn't make me extreme then I obviously don't understand the definition of the word. This is the sort of balls-out attitude I would bring to the battle. Ryan may be extreme, but I haven't really seen it. He's pretty harsh in Way of the Gun, especially the part where he jacks that chick in the face for being a total bitch-hole, but I just keep coming back to his Three Stooges windup in Cruel Intentions. Also, he just loses points for being in a movie where he passes up the opportunity to nail Buffy and then stumbles into traffic to accidentally get hit by a car. Also he has a tattoo of a ladybug on the sole of his foot, which is lame. |
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| The Scales of Justice |
| Amazing Ben defeats Ryan Philippe 2 out of 3 battles. Scales of Justice indicate that Ryan Philippe with a baseball bat creates a 1:1 victory ratio. Battle is closer than previously anticipated. |
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| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
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