| Update 2 July 2004 by The Corporate Ninja |
| -- The Corporate Ninja Wants his Coffee NOW, Bitch -- |
| My personal administrative assistant Jason started this week. Now let me start by saying that Jason is a total shitburger and is not properly qualified to function as an incompetent asshole. The only way that he could ever hope to be a productive member of society or an effective part of this office would be if I decapitated him and used his skull as a paperweight or possibly an interesting coffee mug. Unfortunately I was forced to hire him because he's like the second cousin of our Executive Vice President, who seems to think that I owe him a favor or something since I broke his wife's arm a couple of weeks ago. In my most humble opinion she should have known better than to try and borrow the pen of a guy wearing a ninja mask without at least asking him first. I would have at the least given her some warning that I was about to fucking flip her for real. Anyways, being the top-performing employee and role-model for company spirit that I am, I agreed to hire this worthless piece of shit at my assistant. Now I'm sure many of you are thinking that maybe I should give him some credit, being that it is his first week at his first full-time real job. However, I believe that if he was not prepared to be viciously ridiculed or to have his intelligence constanly mocked he should not have applied for an office job in the first place. He should just go back to flipping burgers and sticking his face in the deep fat fryer or whatever it is that underemployed punk-ass bitches do. Jason seems to believe that because we're an "equal opportunity employer" we treat all employees equally, when this is most definitely not the case. You should have seen the look on his face when the Executive Vice President introduced him to be as his boss and I just said, "coffee". He was all like, "um, hello, my name is Jason". I just stared at him in an effort to effectively communicate the fact that I was neither amused nor interested in making his aquaintance. It was only fifteen seconds into his first day and I was already preparing to strangle him with his small intestines. |
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| I guess he was trying to shake my hand or something. Dickhead. |
| He looked at me nervously. I am a pretty patient guy, so I just repeated, "coffee" and resigned myself to the fact that company spirit aside, if I had to repeat it one more time I was going to take this idiot's head and display it outside my office to serve as an example to others who would dare disobey me. I guess that it finally sunk into his skull that I was actually trying to get a cup of coffee because he uncomfortably set off wandering around the office, presumably looking for the kitchen. After what seemed like a thousand years, Jason finally returned with a lukewarm cup of the company standard economy-grade coffee in a plain white mug. He attempted to explain himself by saying that "he couldn't find the kitchen" and that he "got locked out of the office because he doesn't have an access card yet" or some other drivel that I was in no mood to listen to. Now I understand that there may be a little bit of a learning curve at this job so I decided to take it easy on the kid. I told him that there was a mug in my office that I always used because the white mugs are for the other scumbags that work here but are not suitable for the office manager and that if he was to remain employed and alive he was going to need to fucking get me my goddamned coffee as quickly as possible the first time I ask for it. In order to further illustrate my point, I threw my coffee in his face and told him to get the hell out of my sight. |
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| If he's going to work for me, he's going to have to get used to second-degree burns. |
| I then sent him off to help someone else out and told him that when he was ready to stop being a total dipshit fucktard he could come and see me again. A couple of hours later he returned to my office and let me know that he had finished reorganizing some files in Quality Assurance and was now ready to help me out. My intention was to have him reorganize my filing cabinet and then push it over ontop of him so that I could claim it was a work related accident. That way I could get out of working with him without looking like I wasn't a team player in the Executive VP's eyes. However, luckily for Jason, Gary from QA was in my office singing praises about how quickly those files had been reorganized. Apparently Jason went through about three months worth of files in approximately two hours, which I guess is impressive or something for someone who wasn't trained in the dark arts at a remote temple at the top of a mountain in the Far East. I wasn't really paying attention because all I could think about was how Gary was wearing jeans to work and it wasn't casual Friday. How much nerve do you have to have to come and talk to your office manager in jeans? Was he expecting me to not notice? Everyone should know by now that THE CORPORATE NINJA NOTICES EVERYTHING. He would have to suffer for underestimating the incredible powers of observation that I possess. Since he wouldn't shut up, I finally stopped Gary in mid sentence. "Yeah, whatever, you think this kid's good. I get it. Check this out though," I turned to Jason and spoke very slowly like you do when you talk to stupid people or non-english speakers, "co-ffee". To my suprise, Jason immediately grabbed the black mug off my desk and sprinted out the door. I shared an awkward silence with Gary. After what seemed like a thousand seconds Jason returned with a very hot cup of company standard economy-grade coffee in my special black "Real Ultimate Power" mug with a big asshole smile on his stupid face. Then I saw my opportunity. I pointed at Gary and shouted, "now! Get him!". Jason looked at me nervously. "Kill! Kill! Kill!" I shouted. "Throw the coffee on him!! Do something, you miserable puke!". Jason looked at Gary, who was now more than a little uncomfortable. I was about two-tenths of a second away from cracking their heads together like coconuts when Jason suprised me and tossed the hot coffee in Gary's face. Gary shrieked like a woman and started writhing around on the floor holding his face. I turned to Jason and addressed him loudly enough for Gary to hear. "Now, whenever you see someone in my office with JEANS ON and it's not casual Friday, you know what to do". Jason nodded and then looked around. |
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| Well done, young Grasshoppa. |
| Jason seemed rather pleased with himself, so I realized I was going to need to take him down a peg. "Now as a crucial part of your training you must come to the understanding that hesitation is not acceptable here," I informed him. "The next time I have to ask you three times to do something I am going to pull off your testicles and shove them in your eye sockets, you useless human punching bag. However, if you follow my instructions immediately upon receiving them you may just live long enough to actually not be a totally fucking worthless for once in your life. Also, my pens seem to be disappearing. If I find out that you have been taking them I am going to pull off all of your fingers and hide them in various locations around the office. Now get to work on my filing cabinet. If you're luckly I won't crush you to death with it." And I really do think he's stealing shit from me. Passive-aggressive asshole. If I ever find spit in my coffee I am going to skin him alive and lower him into a vat of salty lemon juice while monkeys lob tobasco-soaked coconuts at his genitals. |
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| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
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