| Update 4 June 2004 by Amazing Ben |
| -- Ragnar Smash! -- |
| Well, it's closing in on five o'clock on Friday afternoon and my slackitude is finally starting to catch up to me. Right now I'm missing out on my company's weekly "Beer Friday" party in order to stay at my desk and update my website while I still have access to the high-speed internet. If that's not the definition of dorkitude I don't know what is. Either way, that's my explanation for the lateness of this update and also the high probability that it will be yet another crappy attempt at humor. If by crappy attempt at humor I mean it will totally rock your face into next week! Because that's what my updates do, baby! Deal with it! I just pull most of this shit directly out of my ass usually anyways so today won't be any different because I am far too goddamn extreme to waste my time on stupid lame-ass updates. Just like I don't waste my time on stupid lame-ass video games. That's why this week I am talking about the most kickass game of all time. |
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| The greatest game ever created for any system ever. |
| Now I know most of you were expecting some lame ass strategy game or some video game anime like Final Fantasy or something else that only total wusses like. Rune: Viking Warlord is the kind of game that will come alive and rip your face off while you're sleeping. Then it will kick the asses of everyone in your family and get high behind the neighborhood 7-11. It is just that extreme. Don't believe me? Never heard of this game? Then pay attention, because your world is about to change forever. |
| Rune: Viking Warlord has Vikings |
| Um, yeah. Remember when I said this update wasn't going to be a cop-out since I was out of time? I lied. I'm sure you figured that one out already though. Anyways, thanks for sitting through an incredibly long and unfunny rant about a three year old video game that I like to play with my friends when we are or are not drunk. I promise next week will be better. Next week's topic: Things I Hope Don't Happen to Me When I Go In for Surgery The good news is that it's 4:58 and I can get out of here on time today. See you jerks later. |
| Vikings kick ass. The Norse people terrorized the Asian and European countrysides for I think like a thousand years, just doing whatever they wanted to whoever they wanted at all times. They paved the way for modern day badassitude with their big-ass axes and penchant for pillaging. Nobody could stop them because they would just sail in, kick the asses of everyone in the town, take whatever they wanted and then blow the joint before the cops could show up. In fact, many modern gangs such as the Crips and Bloods owe a lot to the Viking pioneers, who were also the first group to hold their bows sideways "just because it looked cooler". I think that's why they developed the crossbow. Many years later the bow has been replace by the gatt, but the premise remains the same. I'm not even going to talk about what the Italian Mafia owes to the Vikings because it's just too obvious and I don't have time to spell everything out for you idiots. So how could you fail if you made a game based on Vikings? They are the ultimate badasses: they discovered America, they had names like Red and Leif and when they weren't eating babies and punching things they were wailing on thier axes, decapiting people, growing their hair and making heavy metal music. Not to mention that there aren't a whole lot of Viking games out there. In fact, Vikings are one of the few historical characters that aren't the subject of at least fifty video games. There are like a TON of ninjas, samurais, knights, pirates, wushu warriors and cyborgs in video games but none of those groups can even compare to the Vikings. I mean, the entire Viking society was built on plunder and eating meat right off the bone which is both totally hardcore and extreme. |
| Rune: Viking Warlord has Simple Gameplay |
| Now that we've established that the subject material is nothing less than top-notch we can get into the meat of the game. In the one-player game you are a Viking warrior named Ragnar who is out on his first mission when some jackass kills him and his father. Instead of just dying and going to Valhalla like a pussy Ragnar takes it like a Viking and gets super pissed. You take over Ragnar and your mission is basically to fight your way out of the underworld and then track down and beat the shit out of the guy who killed you and your dad, leaving a trail of wreckage and desecrated corpses behind you. The controls are simple. One analog stick moves your character and the other changes your facing. There are are four buttons: change weapons, jump, attack and throw. It doesn't get any easier than that in a video game folks. You have no inventory, no magic and no crazy shit like materia or keys or food or anything. It's just you and the elements and the thousands of enemies foolishly trying to block you. You can teach those guys pretty easily by severing any body parts that get within your reach. In fact, you can pretty much get through the entire game by just running around and constantly mashing the attack button. There are also some Tomb Raider-like puzzles you have to face. Now you may be thinking, "what the hell? I'm a badass Viking and not some bimbo with an inflated chest" and you are probably correct. As such you need to handle these puzzles accordingly. For instance, at one point there are several hammers coming down from the ceiling at random intervals, waiting to crush you if you walk under them. Now, lesser video game heroes have to waste thier time either getting the timing down perfectly or running around looking for a hammer-shutoff switch. Not Ragnar! The correct solution in this case is to SMASH THE HAMMERS WITH AN AXE. That way they stop working and you can walk over the rubble. After much time spent was wasted on attempt to rationally solve the first few puzzles, Clay and I came up with a good rule of thumb, which is "Ragnar Smash!". This strategy didn't fail us over the course of the game. |
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| Viking warriors scour the horizon for asses that need kicking. |
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| Everything can be smashed. |
| Rune: Viking Warlord has Flying Severed Heads |
| The one player game isn't the cool part of this game, however. The reason to play this game is the multiplayer mode where you can get up to four Vikings hacking furiously at each other. This borders on ridiculous as you see several poorly-animated muscle-bound men clumsily running around in circles swinging wildly, jumping and throwing their weapons at each other. This is especially awesome when you turn on the horribly inappropriate "Moon Gravity" option, which allows your Viking to leap hundreds of feet in the air and hurl gigantic swords incredible distances. This can lead to totally fruity hurling matches where two guys stand about thirty feet from each other, constantly lobbing axes, maces and swords at each other. The crowning achievement of this multiplayer violence is when someone manages to get their hands on some severed body parts. See, once someone gets smashed into tiny pieces with a giant hammer or chopped into bits by a battle axe it is sometimes possible to collect the deceased character's parts and use them as weapons. Few things are more humiliating than being decapitated, respawning and then having someone beat you to death with your own arm or chuck your severed head at you. Not to mention that it makes an awesomely disgusting sound when you get whacked with any of your parts. But seriously, how could you not love a game that lets you pull someone's head off than then lob it at them with the aid of Moon Gravity? |
| Rune: Viking Warlord Brings out the Worst in Everyone |
| The best part of this game is it's ability to revert anyone to the most primal of behavior. This is especially true when players are in various stages of inebriation or drunkenness. Most people initially react to this game in the same way: Stage 1, Disinterest: "I can't get the hang of controlling this! These graphics suck ass! Who just killed me?" Stage 2, Swearing: "What the fuck is happening? Fuck you guys! Cockass son of a bitchlicker!" Stage 3, Pride: "Holy crap, I just killed you! I can't believe how bad you guys suck! I am the master of you!" This all happens over the course of about ten minutes, since there is not much of a learning curve to the game and there isn't much skill involved since one hit usually results in a kill. The game degenerates pretty quickly from there, as the severed body parts start flying and inevitably someone mentions that it is in fact "Hammer Time". What I really love about this game is how nobody is safe from this rapid degradation. My girlfriend became a swearing axe-wielding maniac within minutes of picking up the controler. Even people who are generally softspoken can't help but swear their brains out when getting in on the multiplayer action. For instance, Andrea's brother's girlfriend was over once. I had met her like twice and I think I had spoken to her once. She seemed pretty quiet but it wasn't long before she was trash talking and swearing at everyone like a pro. I guess nothing makes you feel like a hardass quite like lopping someone's head off and winging it at a wall. |
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| You can tell that I'm not involved in this battle because no one is running around throwing things. |
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| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
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