| Update 23 April 2004 by Amazing Ben |
| -- Everything I Do is Awesome -- |
| You know, there just aren't enough updates out there that discuss how awesome I am. I mean, you'd almost start to question why the word "Amazing" appears in my name if I wasn't heaping massive portions of egomania on you at least once a month. So here it goes. I am the ultimate man. I know this may not come as news to many of you but I am receiving a lot of hits these days from outside sources and search engines (see the new Search Terms page for the interesting terms people have used to search for me) and I feel as though I should clarify for all the newcomers that I actually am like Patrick Swayze, Clint Eastwood and Larry Bird all rolled up into one person. It really came to my attention when Sex sent me an email with the subject "Everything You Do is Awesome." I thought about it for a minute and then was like "Yeah, that is true." So that's what I'm writing about this week. Here are all the things that make me a better person than you. |
| Amazing Ben Can Outdrink Anyone |
| It is an important male attribute to be able to drink your fellow males under the table so that you can taunt them for not being able to hold their liquor. This is because the amount of liquor you can hold before throwing up is obviously directly related to the size of your manhood and the size of your manhood is scientifically proven to be related to how awesome you are. That's why it's called manhood. While I was once a professional drinker, I am confident that I can still kick anyone's ass at a shot-for-shot drinking contest despite the fact that I haven't been fully besonderized in about fifteen months. That is because I am the ultimate man and have an iron constitution and gigantic testicles and it has nothing to do with the time-tested Amazing Ben method of "your bottle is full of vodka and my bottle is full of water". |
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| This fat bastard wishes he was as diabolical as I am. |
| Amazing Ben is an All-Pro Athelete |
| When I'm not busy destroying my knee I am destroying my opponents in the sports arena. I mean, I don't want to brag (yes I do) but I was the leading scorer for the Coconut Creek Boys' 14-16 Recreational Basketball League back in 1995 when our team went undefeated 15-0 to win our second straight Championship. But I didn't just dominate the small-town rec leagues either. When I was on the high school football team I was on the special squad that came into the game with under ten minutes left while we were trailing by 20+ points. That's because it would have been unfair for the other team for me to be in the entire game, so we had to give them a little bit of a head start before Amazing B. threw on his helmet and doled out some punishment. Yeah, there's nothing like a 165-pound Wide Receiver coming into the game as a third-string Defensive Tackle. Sure the 250+ pound Offensive Guards would scoff when I lined up across from them but they weren't laughing when I recorded my 0.5 sacks, 1 tackle and 4 dog-pile jump-ons that season. They just underestimated me because I had cleat-marks on my helmet and a mark from when one of my teammates threw the kicking tee at me. Oh, as a side note there's a little update on the Amazing Ben knee situation. The ACL was a sprain and is now almost completely healed, but I also have a torn meniscus and a dislocated patella so I have to go to the orthopedic surgeon sometime next week to discuss possible arthroscopic surgery. But only REAL atheletes get their knees scoped. And that's exactly what I am, baby. Don't you forget it. |
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| I could be a pro athelete. |
| Amazing Ben is Sexually Desirable |
| This kind of goes without saying I'm sure, but I should list it on my resume of how totally awesome and manly I am. If James Bond and Vin Diesel have taught us anything it's that the hotter the women you get with the more of a man you are. My girlfriend actually has the word "Hot" appear in her name, so what does that say for me? I think just that I am the coolest guy ever. I mean, so what if it actually took me three years to get her to be my girlfriend and instead of being suave or tough I was just really persistent? Cute and goofy is sexually desirable also, just in a different way I think. So while Bond gets his chicks by saving them from burning buildings while Russian soldiers lob grenades at them I got Hot Andrea by tripping over a post and falling down while waving at her and trying to pretend like I was cool. I suppose it's possibly that her standards are just low and I was the first guy to hit on her that month that wasn't a migrant worker or menial laborer, but I think I'm going to stick with my theory that it's because I'm retardedly sexy and it's physically impossible for any woman to possibly attempt to resist me. |
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| How could this possibly fail? |
| Amazing Ben is Super-Intelligent |
| Now don't go getting the impression that I'm just a big musclehead that only has chiseled features, a ridiculously cut upper body and stunning movie star good looks to offer. I am also is possession of above-average intelligence, which would explain why I have been known to occasionally put together a coherent sentence that isn't totally grammatically incorrect. It's also why I can offer you brilliant works of towering literary genius such as The Ultimate Zombie Survival Guide through the cutting-edge medium of a crappily-produced, uninspired and infrequently funny humor website. Looks like all the massive blunt head trauma hasn't caught up to me yet though because I'm apparently still clever enough to surreptitiously plug about twenty of my previous updates into about four or five paragraphs. |
| Amazing Ben is a Kung Fu Master |
| I can beat the hell out of anyone anywhere anytime. This is because I was born in a tiny Shaolin monestary nestled deep in the mountains of downtown Philadelphia to two people who occasionally watched kung fu movies and reportedly knew some Asian people who may or may not have been actual ninjas. I mean, it's pretty much like I was spawned from Bruce Lee and Michelle Yeoh so it shouldn't suprise you to hear that I have never been defeated in hand-to-hand combat. I guess it might help that I usually pick my fights with my incredibly drunk asshole friends, inanimate objects or people who weigh under one hundred and twenty pounds and preferably have some sort of degenerative muscle or bone disorder. Either way, in the four years I dedicated to training and teaching martial arts and the many more years I dedicated to watching Jet Li movies I have learned that it is possible to defeat someone bigger or stronger than you by following these simple rules for fighting: 1. Hit the other person. 2. Don't get hit. If you forget just observe this simple diagram: |
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| You'd be suprised how many people just can't get the hang of this. |
| Someone drew this in MS Paint which is impressive and sad. |
| Well, if that isn't enough to convince you then I don't know what is. Between my career as an All-American Defensive Tackle (I was actually recruited by Florida and Florida State before blowing out my knee), my physical prowess and the fact that I am constantly exuding gallons of pheremones that cause women to literally throw themselves at me twenty-four hours a day I am on a level of coolness far beyond anything that you could possibly comprehend with one hundred percent of your brain. I think I've pretty effectively demonstrated that with this absolutely hilarious and intellectually stimulating article. Thank you and goodnight. I said goodnight. Also in totally bitchin' website news be sure to check out the new Links Page. There's a link to it in my ghetto attempt at frames or whatever on the top left hand portion of the page. I will update it rather infrequently. |
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| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
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