Update 2 April 2004 by Amazing Ben
-- The Ultimate Zombie Survival Guide --
    This past week I went to go see Dawn of the Dead and it really helped me to realize that there is a disturbing social truth that affects all of us, not only on a national level but in a global sense as well.  The sad fact of the universe right now is that humanity is grossly underprepared for a zombie invasion.  I mean, for the first twenty minutes of the movie people are just running around getting bit by zombies and then becoming zombies themselves.  In the actual event that the dead once again walk the Earth humans need to not be pussies and just kick the crap out of the undead and send them back to Hell.  To this end, the purpose of this article is to educate the 10+ people who visit this website in how to accurately recognize and deal with an invasion of the walking dead.  Now there is much to learn about the habits and nature of zombies but I assure you that once you commit this entire update to memory, maybe refreshing the page every once in a while and making my hit count higher than J. Matt Hoch's, you will be able to beat the unholy brains out of these monsters and take the planet back for humanity.
Origins:
There are a couple of different theories regarding the origins of zombies.
Biologically Engineered Virus:  The most common and widely accepted theory today is that zombies are the result of top secret virus research that has gone awry.  Nowadays most governments and corporations are investing millions of dollars in the construction and maintenance of giant underground secret labs, located deep under the ground.  In these labs, they are working on developing a super-powerful biological weapon designed to turn enemy soldier into zombies because they would be easier to kill.  This is because zombies are not intelligent enough to operate guns or heavy machinery.  Unfortunately, most of the funding for these projects goes into scientist's salaries and production of giant reinforced glass cathode ray tubes and no money is left to spend on securing the actual virus.  So inevitably some clumsy chemist slips on a banana peel and cracks the vial containing the super zombie serum and all of a sudden everyone in the facility is eating each other.
God Hates Everyone in the World:  This is the theory that God randomly decided that this planet sucks and wants to shake things up a little by making everyone bite each other all the time.  It actually says in the book of Revelations that "When Hell is full the dead shall walk the Earth and lo, the undead shall eateth all of the brains of the living and thou shalt in turn eateth the brains of thy neighbor.  Thus is the price thou shalt pay for making thy Lord disinterested in thee."
Voodoo Magic:  This theory is a little more uncommon than the other two, but that doesn't make it any less plausible and all of you future zombie-hunters should know and understand it.  The simple truth is that voodoo priestesses in New Orleans can bring people back from the dead and read your palms all for a small fee.  In fact, the words Zombie and Voodoo are actually both derived from an ancient African dialect, as are the words Chimpanzee and Impala.  I don't really remember where I was going with that.  The point here is that voodoo can create a zombie, and then once that zombie starts biting people, it's easy for things to get out of control rather quickly.
Outbreaks:
Zombies propagate their species by biting humans and making them into zombies.  Because of the short period of time between infection, death and undeath it is possible for a zombie infection to spread very rapidly.  This is why immediate action is required as soon as an outbreak has been identified.

Please see Kevan Davis' Zombie Infection Simulator v2.3 in order to truly grasp how zombie outbreaks occur.
Zombie Types:
There are several different versions of the walking dead.  You should be prepared to deal with all of them.
Zombies '77:  These are the shambling, unintelligent zombies that your parents grew up with.  Back in the 20th century zombies were slow and lumbering undead beasts that hobbled towards living humans with their arms outstretched, quietly mumbling "brains... brains...".  These zombies can be easily avoided by running away or climbing a tree but can pose quite a problem in large groups, which is almost always the case.  That's when the heavy artillery is required (see below).
Modern Day Zombies: This is the current evolution of the walking dead, as seen in Dawn of the Dead, Thriller and 28 Days Later.  They don't take their time trying to get to you but rather sprint towards their prey upon recognition.  They're fast, strong, their residual memory makes them slightly more intelligent than their predecessors and some of them have better dance moves than you would expect from a creature with no real central nervous system.  This type of zombie is one of the most dangerous and you should always proceed with caution when dealing with them.
Armed Zombies: This form of zombie is not often encountered but is potentially the most lethal.  These are the undead incarnations of space marines, crack dealers, prison security guards and other professionals that were required to operate firearms in their previous lives.  Since blasting dirtbags was second nature to them in their first life, their minimal residual memory allows them to still use these items even in undeath.  Fortunately being dead has deteriorated their eyesight a little, affecting their aim, and they may have difficulty reloading.  Regardless of these facts, armed undead should be avoided at all costs unless you have adequate firepower to deal with them.
Zombie Animals: Human zombies usually do not thirst for the brains of animals and will not attack them.  This does not mean that animals are incapable of contracting the zombie virus though, and there have been many reports of undead animals, particularly dogs, threatening human lives.  Undead dogs are best dealt with by kicking them in the head.
Note:  When I saw Resident Evil in the theater, there was some punk kid sitting behind me and when he saw the scene with all the empty cages he quietly said "That's a lot of dogs...  That's a lot of kicking." I usually hate it when people talk in the theater, but that was a good line.
Rob Zombie: He was the lead singer for the band White Zombie and is now doing his own thing with a solo career.  Mr. Zombie is the mastermind behind such ingenius works as More Human Than Human, Dragula, Living Dead Girl and House of 1000 Corpses.  Well I'm not sure about the last one, I never saw it.  I do respect the fact that he had the balls to front his cash to produce a movie that he would love and have it feature all of his favorite movie stars from when he was growing up, not really giving a crap about whether or not anyone else would like it.  He doesn't even mess around with the name; you pretty much know what you're getting into.  You don't accidently go, "Oh honey, I don't know what to see on our date... oh, House of 1000 Corpses!   I wonder what that's about?  Maybe it's a nice romantic comedy that will make you want to get it on with me later.  Let's see it."
Creating Zombie Death:
Even zombies want to grope Milla Jovovich.
Now that you know what you're dealing with it's time to learn how to exterminate them.
Please observe the following picture for complete details on how to create maximum zombie death:
Note:  Doom III is going to kick ass.
Chainsaw: The gasoline-powered chainsaw is your basic melee weapon for zombie dismemberment and can be extremely effective when battling the undead in confined areas.  Just fill her up, pull the ripcord, press the trigger and watch the body parts fly.  If there is one thing research has proven it's that it is physically impossible to combat a zombie infestation without slaughtering at least one of them with a chainsaw, so you don't really want to be left out.  Besides, when else are you going to get an opportunity to hack something up with one of these things?
Handgun: The handgun is generally rather ineffective against zombies unless in the hands of someone who knows how to use it.  It is important to understand that zombies' brains have deteriorated to the point that they have no sensitivity in any part of their body, thereby making them basically oblivious to pain.  The only way to take them down is to shoot them in the head and render their brain inoperative.  Note:  This is not a universal law for all zombies, so your best bet is to burn the bodies after shooting them.  Large calibur rounds such as .45's, .357's or .50 cal's will have the stopping power to take down a creature even if you don't get a kill shot, and a pair of Desert Eagles in the hands of a capable marksman can very easily equal zombie massacre.
Shotgun: Shotguns are the industry standard for zombie destruction.  Excellent in close quarters and powerful enough to explode zombie heads, the shotgun is the preferred method of zombie annihilation among professionals.
Assault Rifle: Never pass up the opportunity to rain death upon the already dead with some serious firepower.  If you can get to a gun store, many times you'll be able to find an M4 or AK-47 or something that spits out a lot of rounds in a short period of time.  Just be sure to stock up on ammunition as well.
Machine Gun: Light or heavy machine guns can easily turn the tide of battle even if you are largely outnumbered.  Plus you don't even really have to be a good shot.  Just point and spray. 
Rocket Launcher: When you can get your hands on this kind of firepower it can be devastating to your unsuspecting zombie enemies who aren't smart enough to know that the tube you're pointing at them isn't cajun seasoning to make yourself more delicious but is actually an instrument for distributing large quantities of munchy crunchy chocolatey death.
Other Weapons: If zombies are controlling the streets, many times you will have to make due with whatever you can get your still-warm hands on.  This includes using a little ingenuity and getting it done MacGyver-style.  If you know what you're doing you can make everything from a board with a nail in it to a pipe bomb to a blowtorch.  It's probably worth a shot even if you don't really know what you're doing.  I mean, the worst thing that could happen would be that you blow yourself up, which in my book is still preferable to being eaten to death by zombies.
Conclusion:
I have given you all the information.  I have told you the origins and characteristics of most of the zombies you may be facing.  I have shown you the weaponry for dealing with them.  I have made you totally sick of hearing the word zombie.  There is really nothing more I can do for you.  Learn my wisdom.  Pass it on to your children and your children's children so that one day, when God finally gets sick of all of our bullshit, when some dork forgets to cork his erlenmeyer flask, when nuclear radiaton corrodes our genes or when some voodoo shaman finally resurrects Elvis humanity will stand tall, release all of it's pent-up rage in a healty and thereaputic way and triumph over death itself...
We will defeat:
Morningstar of Disruption: The Morningstar of Disruption is a magical item that on impact has a chance to disrupt undead, effectively blasting them out of existence in a flash of yellow and red.  The odds of aquiring such an item are relatively slim unless you have access to a 14th-level Priest of Tyr, but on finding it you have a powerful weapon and the chance of gaining one thousand experience points and possibly leveling up.
Go Somewhere Else:
Ben Thompson:  My Stupid Website.
Go Somewhere Else: