| Update 26 March 2004 by The Corporate Ninja |
| -- The Corporate Ninja has a Date -- |
| Honorable and esteemed readers I once again bid you welcome to a most humble web update by The Corporate Ninja. I have been a little busy in the past few weeks, though I suffer not from some cripping knee injury. Injury is a sign of weakness and allowing others to see your weaknesses leaves you vulnerable for a devastating counterattack. When I broke my arm in four places trying to chop down a tree with my bare hands I did not bow to the shame of wearing a sling and visiting a health care professional. Rather, I hit as many people as possible with that arm to prove that there was in fact nothing wrong with it. I used my zen power of mind over matter to ignore the shooting pains that accompanied my terrifying blows, cleverly concealing them by shrieking "Ow, fucking cockass!" everytime the pain became unbearable, which was basically all of the time. Luckily I always yell things like that for no reason, so nobody had the gall to insinuate that I was weak and anything other than the invincible fighting machine all of you readers know me to be. The purpose of my update this week does not involve asserting my physical superiority over Amazing Ben however, as that would take little convincing and will possibly be a good idea for another week when I can't think of anything interesting to write about. No, this week I will share with you an excellent date I had with a woman of surpassing beauty and noble reputation. |
| I was "set up" as my coworkers put it (though I only use that phrase when I have been either framed for murder or ambushed by former allies) with a friend of Roger from Quality Assurance. Now part of me believes that he was offering his friend up in an attempt to spare his job and his life, but he should have known better than that. I am not the type of Office Manager to provide favors in return for sucking up. If an employee is incompetent he is quickly dispatched regardless of how many women or mind-altering drugs he provides to me. Anyways, on to the date. I was scheduled to meet the lovely Sarah Anderson at a semi-fancy restaurant in the suburbs on Saturday night for a nice dinner and maybe a movie. I put on my best mask and stealthily made my way from rooftop to rooftop until finally making my way inside the restaurant complex and arriving at the rendezvous point at the appropriate time. It was a little awkward at first because I don't believe that she was used to her blind dates dropping in from the ceiling under the cover of a smoke bomb, but I think I quickly rebounded with a smooth opening line: |
 |
| "Humble greetings, Sarah Anderson! Prepare to be dated by The Corporate Ninja!" "Um, ok." "Let us proceed to the dining area! Stay behind me and I will make sure the way is clear!" "Ok... clear from what?" "Shh! I must concentrate!" (sigh) |
| I knew that she was sighing as a result of the uncontrollable desire she had for my total selflessness and superior physique. We made our way to the dining area without incident and the hostess could tell that I meant business and gave us a seat right away. Dinner was nice. We conversed about many things such as the weather and how I was going to eat dinner with a mask on. She droned on for a while about her job or something but I pretened to listen intently because that's what guys are supposed to do on a first date, but really I was looking at my reflection in her eyes to see if someone was trying to sneak up behind me. Finally we met our obnoxious waiter and he took our orders. I ordered a salad because I wanted her to think that I was sensitive, and she did the same thing because it was the cheapest thing on the menu and she did not want to make me spend a lot of money on her. Our waiter took the orders but there was something about him that seemed wrong. My suspicions were confirmed when my salad was brought out without any bacon pieces on top even though I had specifically requested that he personally made sure there were bacon pieces on top. "How can I eat a meal that does not include meat?" I demanded. "I am not an animal! Humanity ate its way on top of the food chain and I intend to keep it there!". He did not seem shaken by my displeasure with the meal. He just calmly picked up the plate and told me that he was sorry the wrong thing was brought out and that he see if he could correct it. I utilized my many years of ninja etiquette training to politely inform him that his suggestion was not fucking good enough and if he didn't personally go into the back and correct the issue himself I would break him into a thousand pieces and dishonor his family's name. Then he told me that he was not allowed to go into the back but that he could give it to a food preparer and did I want any Parmesan cheese. Again I informed him that this was not an acceptable solution and relieved him of his waiterly duties by calmly slapping the salad bowl out of his hand and decapitating him with my katana blade. |
 |
| With the waiter dispatched, I winked to my date and then raised my hand to indicate that a replacement waiter was needed. Sarah Anderson seemed strangely unfrazzled by the event she had just witnessed (usually women freak out when I start lopping of heads) which was a big bonus in my book, even though I know it's probably because it was difficult for the artist rendering these depictions to redraw her character so he left her exactly the same through all three images. A chef came out of the back but my Ninja Sense and astute powers of observation indicated to me that he was not going to provide us with a new waiter nor was he going to bring me my damned bacon. I divined this because he was screaming loudly and waving a cleaver at me. Quickly I sprung into action, vaulting up on the table and planting a flying side kick to his greasy face, sending the cleaver flying and dropping him instantly. |
 |
| Sarah Anderson hinted that someone was probably calling the cops and everyone in the restaurant was screaming and running around, so unfortunately we had to prematurely end our date. I offered to take her back to my Ninja Hideout so that we could lay low for a while but I don't think she interpreted that the way I meant it and just told me she would get home herself. She declined my offer of smoke bombs and covering fire and went on her way. I used my superior stealth abilities to leave the scene before the cops arrived, confident that I had just had the best date ever. I am still waiting for her to call me back. She hasn't yet, but that's probably just because she doesn't want to come off as being too needy. |
 |
| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
|