| Update 16 March 2004 by Amazing Ben |
| -- Prepare for Culture -- |
| Are you tired of being labeled as a "stupid American" by foreigners and Canadians? You should be, because they're all making fun of you behind your back for being unattractive and ignorant. Fear not, however, because your paragon of virtue Amazing Ben will enlighten you in the ways of culture this week through another excellent update. After this lesson, you will be able to communicate with many people of different ethnicities and convince all of them that you are superior to them. The language barrier now can become the weapon with which you can assert your awesomeness. After this course, you will be able to dine with queens and sleep with prostitutes in countless countries around the world. But first, be sure to to check out these Amazing Ben approved activities: |
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| Spanish |
| Spanish is one of the most widely spoken languages in the world, so it's good to know how to communicate in it. I took Spanish from 5th grade through 8th grade, and was tutored by my Columbian next door neighbor. This is also a useful language to know if you want to impress foxy senioritas pretty much anywhere in the United States. |
| Useful Phrases |
| Que dios te Ayude. Por favor, mantenga su allejadro de las puertas. Esta un fiesta en mi pantalones. Tu es inviditad. Si, quando mono fluave desti me cula. Esa ha cojido más huevos que una sartén. |
| May God help you. Please, stand clear of the doors. There is a party in my pants. You are invited. Yes, when monkeys fly out of my butt. She has held more eggs (testicles) than a frying pan. |
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| French |
| J'ai ferrai le putain sur les trottoirs de Tallahassee. Le sange es sûr la branch. Ta mere suce des our dans le forest. Combien de vos clients sont morts? Il y a un dragon dans ma lit! |
| Useful Phrases |
| I will prostitute myself on the streets of Tallahassee. The monkey is on the branch. Your mother sucks bears in the forest. How many of your clients have died? There is a dragon in my bed! |
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| Useful Phrases |
| Greek |
| Skata merigani. Pousti clefti. Ti epathe? Den mpories na vieis to boutso? Salta gamisu. Tha sou gamiso to hotio. |
| Shit with oregano. Queer theif. What's the matter? Can't find your cock? Go fuck yourself. I will fuck your village. |
| Useful Phrases |
| Kos okht ile nafadak. Elif air ab dinikh. Haneek rabbak. Edash bet kalef bentok? Al hamdu leelah! |
| Fuck he who brought you to this life. A thousand dicks in your religion. I will fuck your god. How much for your daughter? Praise Allah! |
| Arabic |
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| Useful Phrases |
| Portuguese |
| Eau gostaria de ver un menu, por favor. Por favor, fale devegar. Que se foda essa merda, tô caindo fora. Boquete. Posso chupar a tuas mamas grandes? E un limdu dia! |
| May I please see a menu. Please speak slower. Fuck this shit, I'm outta here. Blowjob. May I touch your large breasts? It is a beautiful day! |
| Useful Phrases |
| Italian |
| Sono un itatzo de the. La porte facto de zuppa. Quello non sembra sano. Grillo. Spagnola. |
| I am a glass of tea. The door is made of soup. That does not seem healthy. Penis. Sex with breasts. |
| Useful Phrases |
| Russian |
| Zdrastvooeetye tavareeshee. Menye ne ravneek! Perestan menye zhabat mozgi svojimi voprosamee. Pocheemu ti takoy galuboy? Oo tebeya galavah kak oon a bizyani jopuh. Oo tebeya ochen malenki hui. Tebeya cholodna. |
| Greetings, comrades. There are no equals to me! Stop fucking my brain with your questions. Why are you so gay? Your face looks like a monkey's ass. You have a very small penis. You are sexually frigid. |
| Useful Phrases |
| German |
| Essen ist das letze, was Sie brauchen. Gehe dahin, Übler! Kehre zurück in deine dreckige Hühle! Es macht mir nichts aus, vor einer Gruppe nackter Fremder nackt zu sein, solange sie aelter und hasslicher sind als ich. Der hat einen Affen. Gemuchlicheit, besonderes kopfshmertz. Laufen-Sie nicht auf du ratvig. Geschlecht mit der Öffnung. Ich steche dir die Augen raun und pisse dir ins Gehirn, du kleines schules Arschelock. Du bist ein ferrukt Hobbyflecken. |
| Food is the last thing you need. Begone, Evil One! Return to your filthy lair! I don't mind being naked infront of a group of naked strangers, as long as they are all older or uglier than I am. Becoming the monkey. (Feeling a little drunk) Good times, especially headache. Do not walk on the bike path. Sex with the mouth. I will poke out your eyes and piss in your brain, you gay asshole. You are an insane semen stain. |
| Useful Phrases |
| Latin |
| Te odeo. Interfice te cum cochleare. Recedite plebes! Gero rem imperialem! Utinam babari spatinum propium tuum invadant. |
| I hate you. Kill yourself with a spoon. Stand aside commoners! I am on Imperial business! May barbarians invade your personal space. |
| Useful Phrases |
| Vietnamese |
| Hong yi kwah may-ah may boowah. |
| Your mother has big balls. |
| Amazing Ben's Amazing Link of the Day Suggested Listening: Big Lizard in My Backyard by The Dead Milkmen. R.I.P. Dave Blood. |
| Now, Prepare to choke on culture, you dolts! |
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| French is the language of love, and also the language of commie terrorist traitors who hate America and freedom because they don't think it's a good idea to drop bombs on a country that hasn't taken aggressive action against another country. This is a useful language to know if you want to impress hot madames with hairy armpits. I took four years of French in High School but most of these phrases come from Hot Andrea. |
| This is a good language to know if you want to impress Greek chicks. And you know what they say about Greek chicks. They say that they are hot. That is why Hot Andrea is who she is. Because she is Greek. Most of these phrases are from her as well, because I don't know anything about Greek. (Note: These are phonetic pronunciations, as Greeks use a crazy alphabet.) |
| It is common knowledge throughout the heirarchy of the United States that all Arabs are terrorists, and while it is useful to speak Arabic (because maybe then we'd understand why some of them are so pissed off) anyone who can speak it is obviously a subversive and should be arrested and held without charges. Arabs also believe that that God speaks Arabic, which is crazy because Billy Graham told me that God speaks English and kills anyone who doesn't. I took two semesters of Arabic in college because it's useful if you want to pick up hot Muslim chicks. Note: They're hot because they always have to wear so much clothing. Also, these are phonetic pronunciations because Arabs use a crazy terrorist alphabet. |
| Portuguese is the native language of people like Vasco de Gamo and Ferdinand Magellan. I'm sure there are more Portuguese people, but I have never heard of any of them. The big deal about Portuguese is that it is the official language of Brazil, and you need to know it if you want any chance of having casual sex with loose Brazillian women at carnivál. I had a book on how to speak Portuguese, and Andrea had a Brazilian friend. |
| Was it Italian that was the language of love? I don't remember. I think it's French though. This is a good language to know if you want to visit Rome or Venice and get it on in a gondola or on the back of a Vespa scooter with a really hairy person. I think most of this came from an episode of Cartoon Planet, and I have no idea how I know the rest. |
| Russia is the place to rock for Soviet paraphanalia, which I used to be really into, and kind of still am. I took four semesters of Russian in college to use on my dream date with Milla Jovovich. Don't be fooled by the Russians, dude. Many of them are really unattractive, but the ones that are hot are in fact super-omega hot. These phrases are also done phonetically. Russian culture has no need for our corrupt Western alphabet. |
| NO FLAG PICTURE AVAILABLE |
| Germany is loaded with hot fraulines that you are going to need to impress with your culture skills. I learned all the German I needed from my roommates in college. I learned all the German swears in the month that I was an exchange student in Berlin. |
| With your newfound mastery of the dead language Latin, you can communicate with archaeologists and Roman Catholic priests. The possibilities are endless! |
| This is the language of the people who fiercely fought the United States to a draw in the 1960's and 70's. This choice phrase comes from Hot Andrea's luscious lips. |
| Well, I guess that's more than enough culture for one day. As long as you can commit these useful phrases to memory, no one will question that you are a person of refined taste and eloquence wherever you visit. Note: My Stupid Website, its authors and subsidiaries accept no responsibility for physical or emotional dismemberment or damage resulting from use of these phrases. In fact, we laugh at them. Also, much of this was taken from www.insultmonger.com. ACL update: No surgery required, just a cast for the next couple of weeks. Now I'll never be a teen model. |
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| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
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