| Update 5 March 2004 by Amazing Ben |
| -- Riding on the Metro -- |
| Well, the good news is that I have finally moved all of my files over to the brand new super-hot internet address www.amazingben.com. The bad news is that I had to reset my counter, which was up to like 725 or something. I guess if everyone who visits here just refreshes the site a bunch of times we can get that back. I will be searchable again, damnit! Also, I figured out how to get it to not just say "index" when you bookmark my page, as I'm sure you all do because that's what you do with pages that don't suck (this one falls under that categeory in case you were unsure). And now... the update! I only live a couple of miles out of the city, and I am lucky enough to be able to take the local mass transit system to and from work every single day. The tracks run right past my apartment building, and if I so desired I could hurl a rock from my bedroom window and hit the train with it. This is very convienient, as I am not required to own a car to sustain life. I can go to the grocery store, the mall, work, and pretty much anything I would want to go to (except Target) just by throwing on some pants and running after the train. |
| Now I personally have not had many problems with the T's service. The trains come pretty regularly on the weekdays, the drivers are relatively indifferent, and I have never been run over by an MBTA vehicle. I don't think you can really ask for too much more out of your mass transit provider. No, the thing that bothers me the most about my commute are the people who ride the train. They make me loathe humanity as a whole and are so maddening that they could turn an innocent bunny rabbit into a homicidal psychopath. In my year of living here, I have found that there are only five types of people who ride the train, and almost all of them make me want to gouge out my eyes with a q-tip. Here they are. |
| The Fucking Important Guy |
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| The train I take every morning, running down the street I live on. |
| Holy crap is this guy important. He has someplace to be, and even if he devised some way to teleport instantly to his destination he still would not be there fast enough. This guy does not have any time to fuck around with the worthless peons and dregs of society because he has to get cracking kissing some corporate bigwig's ass all day so that he can get a promotion and can afford transportation other than the T. This guy likes to either incessantly tap on his PDA or read some corporate propaganda about how to take advantage of disabled underprivelaged retards while simultaneously depleting the world's natural resources and doing illicit narcotics off drugged-up underaged hookers. Also, he's usually so preoccupied with this that he doesn't even think to offer his seat the the armless pregnant woman trying to balance herself in the aisle while the train is moving. The point is, you can't talk to this guy because he is just too goddamned cool. You better just get the fuck out of his way because he's always looking towards the future and is so caught up in it that he will trample your ass if you don't get away from the exit when he wants to get out. Other than the possibility that he will crush you underneath his faux leather loafers, the Fucking Important Guy doesn't really bother me that much. He doesn't want to be bothered, and I'm not really in any mood to bother him anyways. This is the least offensive category of MBTA patron and the one that I more than likely fit into. |
| God, my schedule is so packed because I am a Fucking Important Guy. |
| This is what it looks like when the Fucking Important Guy gets pushed off the train. |
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| Obnoxious Children |
| This can also read "All Children", because children in general are fucking irritating. This planet is overpopulated as it is, and we don't need any more people spreading the STD that is pregnancy. Yet for some godforsaken incomprehinsible and probably unholy reason people actually want to bring little hellions into this world. Not only that, but they feel the need to bring them onto the train without a muzzle. Here's a tip assholes: I do not want to hear your howling brat's ear-splitting shrieks. Yeah, I know it's not supposed to be as annoying when it's your kid, but none of these fuckers are my kid. If they were I probably would have had their vocal chords surgically removed by now. This also includes the fucking kids who think its funny or something to whine or laugh really loudly. First off, let me say that the laughter of children grates on my soul. Secondly, I don't care how many times you say "But I want it now" you little punk, you're obviously not getting it. So just shut the hell up and I won't have to throw you out the window into oncoming traffic. One of the worst parts is that some weird reason, parents only seem to react to this in one of two ways. They either totally ignore it and let the kid scream itself to sleep or they think its cute and laugh at it, which only further encourages the fucker to continue. Look, as a parent it's your responsibility to shut your kid up. Otherwise, one of us is going to have to die, and I'm a lot bigger than you. |
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| Either die or get off the train. Those are the only acceptable options. |
| The Cross-Country Backpacker |
| This is the guy who should have taken a cab or rented an eighteen foot moving truck instead of taken the train. This person believes that he needs to carry all of his worldly belongings with him at all times wherever he goes, and as long as he can wedge himself into the train with all of his gear everything is copasetic. This person is a problem for two reasons, the first of which is the fact that he can't stand anywhere near you without whacking you with whatever he's carrying. There are few things that make me want to commit a felony like having some punkass college freshman spins around to talk to his dumbass friends and cracks me in the solarplexus with a backpack filled to the top with books, rice, and ground up cynderblocks. No to mention that if he stands anywhere near me I have to essentially press up against the window so that there is enough room for the two of us in the aisle. Look, it's one thing if you're taking home a couple of bags of groceries. There's no need to put your baby grand |
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| piano back and also carry her royal highnesses matched luggage home. Just pay the seven dollars and call a taxi. Or better yet, do strap it on, but instead of riding the T just throw yourself off a bridge. Then we'll see how fucking important all that crap is. The other reason why The Cross-Country Backpackers drive me crazy is because there is only so much room in the aisles of these trains, and it is not big enough for two people and a set of patio furniture. When the train gets to its destination, you only really have about fifteen seconds to fight your way off before the doors close and you're stuck walking back from the next stop. It's difficult enough as it is to negotiate the sea of humanity, and I don't need to try and get around some jackass' camping gear as well. On the flip side, if some jerk is trying to get off the train and get around someone with a huge US-Army issued ALICE pack on, the o?nly way they can get by is if the guy with the pack turns around, and I inevitiably get whacked with the backpack. Plus, there are the people who think that it's ok to bring stuff and just leave it in the aisle for people to trip over. I can't tell you how many times I almost busted ass over some fucking bicycle or stroller or something. Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you don't have to fold your damned stroller up. Though the actual stroller isn't nearly as bothersome as the item it sometimes contains... |
| Note the similar facial expressions between the junk woman and the child. |
| The Only Person on the Train |
| This is a pretty broad category that encompasses a number of different personalities. They all have one thing in common though, and that is that they think that they can be as loud as their larynxes will allow and no one cares because we all like the sound of their voice as much as they do. This is obnoxious in children, and it is no different with adults. The only difference is that these people should at least be able to comprehend how fucking irritating they are. Often times The Only Person on the Train is some random bimbette college chick who is on her cell phone with her dumbass friends and wants to announce to everyone on the train that she is actually on a cell phone and talking to a real person and therefore important and desirable in a sexual way. It is also a little known fact that these people will actually die if they have to go more than fifteen minutes without direct human interaction, which is why they whip out their cells the second the train goes above ground. Now I don't even really have a problem with people talking on their cell phones per se, it's just these women with their phony valley-girl accents emitting ear-splitting shrieks into their cell phones in an attempt to communicate how drunk they're going to get tonight at this party they've been invited to because they are so amazingly cool. |
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| You think you're hot, but everyone hates you. (Note: They are never this hot) |
| Guess what? No one cares. |
| Another incarnation of The Only Person on the Train is the person who somehow mistakes public transportation for an American Idol audition. Sometimes these people are just belting out whatever they're listening to on their headphones, but more often then not they are just singing to serenade the other passengers. These people are usually abysmal singers and should be forbidden from singing alone in the shower, let alone terrorizing the populace with their Elton John impersonations. If I wanted to hear shitty music on the train, I would have brought my portable CD player, freakshow. Nobody wants to hear your god-awful rendition of "Unchained Melody". The worst part is that it's not even drunk people who are singing on the train. No, those people have a much better way of expressing themselves. |
| Drunk assholes on the train love to scream as loudly as possible, and possibly chant team fight songs. This is especially previlent during baseball season, where you can't get on the train after work for like four months without a bunch of drunk idiots cramming on and screaming incomprehensibly at each other. They also like to attempt to recreate the beeping sound that the train intercom makes and announce the names of the stops, especially if that stop is Longwood. They even have a tendency to call out "Longwood" when that isn't the stop we're arriving at. Fucking clever, guys. I wasn't laughing the first time a group of fuckheads yelled out "Booop! Longwood!", and now every time I hear it I just want to kick all of them in the head until I dislodge whatever tumors are causing them to be fucking douchebags. |
| At least they usually have the courtesy to get off the train before they throw up. Usually. |
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| Derelict My Balls |
| My week would not be complete without some fucking creepy dude riding on the train either yelling at people or just freaking me out. Usually these people are accompanied by numerous garbage bags and dirty rags, but this is not always the case. Now it's difficult to write about this without sounding like a pompous asshole who is against the lower class or whatever, but I really don't like it when scary homeless guys sit on the train and talk to themselves loudly or make weird noises. They almost always reek of alcohol, and sometimes they are menacing or threatening towards other people. I think it's worse for Andrea because she is actually attractive enough to have these goons trying to hit on her. I mean, if she wanted some creepy dude ogling her she would have just stayed home with me. Plus, you never really know what a whacked-out hobo will do. Sometimes they are peaceful and awesome, but sometimes they are violent and angry and will try to spit on you for no reason, which is decidedly not awesome. The point is that I don't like the odds and I just try to avoid these guys whenever possible. |
| "I'm creepy. Now come over here so I can spit on you!" |
| I think that pretty accurately describes the five main types of people who I have to deal with every morning and every afternoon. Every single one of them is annoying in their own right, but I am too broke to afford parking, insurance and car payments. So I deal with them every single day, and the only thing that really gets me through is the mental image of them getting thrown the fuck off the train. And thinking about what I'm going to put up on my website. Well, this update was a lot more angry and violent than I had originally anticipated. I'm not really an angry dude, I think I just become one when thinking about the subject at hand. Next week I'll see what I can do about thinking happy thoughts. |
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| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
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