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-- Outrun the Radiation --
Update 11 February 2004 by Amazing Ben
    For too long now, Americans have been forced to live in fear of Nuclear War (or as our President likes to say it, Nukular War).  First, it was World War III and the godless commies in the Soviet Union.   Then, it was nuclear terrorism from the godless Muslims and their stealth missiles that are totally invisible to the naked eye but actually still totally exist.  In fact, history teaches us that  if everyone starts believing in the God that we tell them to all and the system that we force on them then all of our problems will go away.  That is because everyone who has ever believed in Jesus has always been right about everyhing that they have done, even when it was wrong.  Unfortunately, until we can convert everyone in the world in the forgiving and diplomatic way that the benevolent ruler Charlemagne did, we will be threatened by people who strangely dislike us for some reason that I don't understand but I think it's because they are evil and enjoy just being mean. 
    
     Fear not however, loyal American citizens!  I, Ben Thompson, along with the help of ready.gov, have come bearing strategy on how to survive the detonation of a nuclear bomb!  Yes, with this guide you won't die until years later, probably of malnutrition and radiation poisoning.  The important thing is that you won't be instantaneously blinked off the face of the Earth and will live to have to opportunity to eat rats and battle mutated cacti.
Step One to Surviving a Nuclear Attack:  Seek Shelter.
Ready.gov Says:
Take cover immediately, below ground if possible, though any shield or shelter will help protect you from the immediate effects of the blast and the pressure wave.

Amazing Ben Says:
 It's a good idea to start building your own fallout shelter now, because the radiation is probably going to hang around for a long time and you don't want to be stuck in a tiny vault with a bunch of screaming babies or obnoxious blondes who talk very loudly in shrill voices about nothing of consequence.  If you have your own vault, you get to only let in the people you want and that makes for a more enjoyable holocaust experience.  Also, be sure to stock your vault with all of the essentials for surviving the post-apocalyptic world:  Moon pies, batteries for your Game Boy, pornographic literature, and a couple of assault rifles chambered for 7.62mm ammunition so you can used captured Soviet rounds.
If you're close enough to see this, you're pretty much fucked.
Step Two:  Evacuate the Blast Site.
Ready.gov Says:
     Consider if you can get out of the area or if it would be better to go inside a building and follow your plan to shelter-in-place.

Amazing Ben Says:
   Yeah, if you're half a block away from the blast site, you can probably afford to casually stroll into someone's house and start looting their shit, because EVERYONE AROUND YOU WILL BE DEAD.
   Seriously, though, the government isn't fucking around with this.  The arrow pointing away is incredibly thick for a reason.  That's because you need to panic immediately and get the fuck away from all of the fire and death as fast as you can.  You're still going to grow a third arm and die soon from the incredible amounts of radiation you have already taken in, but at least you'll have the chance to make the most of your last hours on Earth.
The ultimate authority on the subject for the residents of Clackamas and Yamhill Counties...   until now.
Step Three:  Protect Yourself from Radiation.
Ready.gov Says:
Shielding: If you have a thick shield between yourself and the radioactive materials more of the radiation will be absorbed, and you will be exposed to less.
Time: Minimizing time spent exposed will also reduce your risk.
Distance: The farther away from the blast and the fallout the lower your exposure.
Amazing Ben Says:
Big Wall:  Get behind one.  Or, according to the physics of the Dennis Rodman / Jean-Claude Van Damme movie Double Team, you can just duck behind a Pepsi machine. 
Get the Fuck out of Town Immediately and Stay Away from the Goddamned Radiation-Filled Crater:  If you haven't figured this one out for yourself already, you deserve to be dusted out of existance because you are a moron.
Don't Stare at the Radiation Like a Fucking Retard:  Again, I shouldn't really have to tell you this.  When your hair starts coming out and your balls fall off it means you're taking in too much radiation.  You are going to either mutate or die.
The commies hate Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri and the Dakotas almost as much as Americans do.  Luckily Boston, Washington D.C. and New York City are only medium risk.
    Ok, folks, that's about it.  I apologize - I wasn't expecting this update to be this weak when I started it.  I'm pretty much done now though, and I'm not going to redo it.  Deal with that. 

     Next week, prepare to get your face stabbed off with another update by The Corporate Ninja.
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