This past weekend, I was amazed as my girlfriend used the internet to track down a couple of long-lost relatives. You see, she has a very unique last name, and when she Googles it all of the hits are web pages that talk about her immediate or extended family. Well surprisingly enough, I found that not only can I not Google "Thompson" and get news of my family, but I can Google "Ben Thompson" and I'm not even in the top one hundred hits! What are the odds that there would be more than a hundred people in the world named Ben Thompson? Are we that common? Am I that boring?
Luckily, upon visiting several websites and drunkenly drag racing along the information superhighway I finally discovered one thing that sets me apart from the pack: I am the most attractive Ben Thompson on the internet. Sure, I know many of you are saying, "I know you're fucking sexy, Ben, but are you really the hottest Ben Thompson in the universe?"
This Ben Thompson is running for President of the United States. I'm not really sure what his party affiliation is, nor am I certain of any of his policies or ideas. From the picture I gather that he represents hideous ties and gigantic American flags for everyone. One thing that I am certain of is that my teeth are more aligned and my hairline is vastly superior to his. Thusly, I can say without hesitation that I am more attractive than this Ben Thompson.
Here is another Ben Thompson who could really kick some ass. This guy was a sherriff in the old west, who apparently had some ties to Wyatt Earp. He laid the law down, capping motherfuckers left and right with his peacemaker. For all you non-history majors, n the Old West gatts and pieces were called "pistols" or "peacemakers". This guy didn't fuck around, though. He had a job to do, and the world was far less crowded by the time he was through. While he could probably quick-draw the living fuck out of me, he was another Ben Thompson who fell victim to the dreaded receding hariline. Also, while his charming handlebar moustache and rugged good looks were the "in" styles back in the 1800s, by today's standards I am more attractive than this Ben Thompson.
This Ben Thompson is a musician of sorts, being the lead guitarist and vocalist for The Ben Thompson Band. TBTB's music is like an indie/emo/dave matthews wannabe kind of thing, and his voice is about seventeen octaves higher than it looks like it should be. More importantly, however, I am more attractive than this Ben Thompson.
This Ben Thompson is a tortured artist who takes himself way too seriously, much like every other tortured artist that has ever lived. I think he welds or something, I didn't really spend a lot of time on his website, because it was so brooding and eccentric that I had to stop or else I was going to go insane. For this reason, this was the only picture I found of this guy. You can't see him very well, but you can see enough to know that I am more attractive than this Ben Thompson.
Holy crap, who is this sexy bastard? I can't seem to think of his name because I am totally paralyzed with desire by looking at his massively bulging upper body muscles. He is so hot that my E drive just caught on fire and now teeming throngs of incredibly attractive women have flocked to my cubicle, trying to sleep with me just because I am p?retending to know someone this hot. This is the irrefutable evidence I present to you - No one is more attractive than this Ben Thompson!
But don't take my word for it:
