Today I finally returned from the extended holiday vacation that my honorable employers grant me around this time every year. When I came back, however, I noticed there was something horribly, horribly wrong. Here is my epic tale of sadness, loss, revenge and determination. Prepare yourself!
It was difficult to get out of bed this morning, since I had so many days to just sleep in and relax over the past ten business days. That did not stop me from going to work in the same totally X-treme gonzo balls-out way that I always do.
Obviously there was some kind of mistake here. I am allowed ten business days of paid vacation a year, and that was what I was just on. I posed this problem to the Executive Vice President, but he just got all sweaty and told me to take it up with accounting. When I called accounting, they told me some crap like I had actually been suspended for the last two weeks because I accidently strangled the CEO's son and cracked a wine bottle over his wife's head at the Christmas Party. I told him that I did not remember going to a Christmas Party so therefore it didn't happen. Accounting, however, made it clear to me that they did not intend to pay me for my vacation.
Perhaps the Christmas Party story was true, I thought to myself. There was one morning a week or so ago that I woke up in the planter outside my apartment building trapped under a huge log and wearing only my mask and sword, but I thought that was just part of my training. Either way, I was apparently going to have to use some tact. I told the man on the phone that I was going to force-feed him his own testicles if he did not produce a paycheck in the next eight hours. He told me to relax. I told him I was relaxed, and if he wanted me to stay that way he needed to rectify the situation. He then told me to come down to the accounting department to work out this glitch. This was acceptable. I knew that we could work out our differences peacefully.
