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| Ben Thompson: My Stupid Website. |
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-- The Corporate Ninja Will Fucking Kill You -- |
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Update 10 December 2003 by The Corporate Ninja |
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Greetings and most humble salutations, my esteemed and honored web page viewers. I am The Corporate Ninja, office manager for a publicly-traded mega-conglomerate and master of the ancient art of Ninjitsu. I live my life like most people, trying to focus my Chi, attain harmony with nature and increase profits and productivity.
My employees love me, mostly because of my excellent managerial skills and constant efforts to make our workplace an exciting and productive environment. We have several morale-boosting activites, such as shuriken accuracy competitions and company picnics, and my employees love the bi-monthly inter-office gladatorial combat where they battle to the death for honor and pay raises. |
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That's me. Our office is done in colors that destroy the eye. |
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| My office door is always open, and people are able to share any information they want with me. We work together to find an acceptable solution to their problems and to do what is best for the company. For instance, when one of my admins told me that we were unable to move fifteen hundred units by Friday, I told her that she needed to find a way or else I was going to fucking slaughter her entire department and place their heads on stakes outside my office to make an example to all of what happens when you slack off because you're fucking the shipping clerk in the mechanical room and not getting your work done. She worked twenty-four hours a day for the next three days, and the units were shipped. Therefore, we were able to find an arragement where the work would be completed and she would escape with her life. Everyone wins! |
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Hard at work reviewing some files. |
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| That's not to say that I'm a pushover as a boss though! I really try to squeeze one hundred and ten percent out of all my employees, either through motivation or by threat of physical violence. I know many people prefer having pansies as bosses, because they care about your feelings and crap like that, but nothing gets people motivated like sheer terror. Just to keep people on their toes, sometimes I hide behind cubicle walls or bookcases and listen in for people who are wasting the company's money by not being productive. I lie in wait until I hear something negative, and then I spring into action, leaping from my hiding place and beating some team spirit into the startled dissenter with my Nunchaku of Good Morale. Then, when they are lying broken and bloodied on the carpet, I instill a sense of company pride into them by gloating about my glorious victory and insulting their intelligence and physical prowess. Here is a picture someone took of me springing from behind the water cooler to decapitate Matt in IT because he couldn't fucking get it into his goddamn head that I needed Office 2000 installed on my computer IMMEDIATELY and not after lunch. Come on people, what's more important here? This weakling stuffing his fat ass with dead animal fat and cholesterol or me being able to access last quarters spreadsheets? |
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That'll teach you to disobey me, pussy! |
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| Well, I guess I've told you a little bit about me and what I do... I will return next week and give you all a little bit more insight into the world of office politics and face-kicking. |
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